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最新日記 - 如何讓他人樂意改變】


新增日期:2012-04-18 15:16|Posted by 錦瑩 at 愛情國小

源頭水乾樹成長 的腳印 霍斯陸曼˙米加˙達路 的腳印 Peggy_Hsu 的腳印






什么意思呢?

I dont really catch your intercession.

{代禱} 感謝 神和謝謝各位代禱勇士!最新消息:我決定於本週五搭機經香港赴中國一趟親自辦理,省卻其他的麻煩,已經跟工作部門溝通了一下,亦得到通融讓我請假一週。請繼續紀念辦理的過程,希望一切順利,盡速拿到要拿的文件,那就感謝讚美 主了!
謝謝各位代禱勇士大有功效的禱告

主內平安!感謝您忠心駒勞為兩位牧者宣教出入求平安。願 主記念並賜福與您。

1. 感謝主保守林大中牧師於二月底於中國河南省聚會時,雖遭到中國政府公安機關逮捕,但當日已被釋放出來。
如今已平安返美,部分隨身電子物件遭到扣留。中國政府至今仍未實行真正信仰自由,包括自由傳道,依然逮捕
傳講純正信仰的傳道人。請為林牧師目前之處境,家庭教會之安全,中國政府對於宗教信仰之改革開放代禱。

2. 求 主保守林大中牧師出入大陸平安,林牧師於日昨再度重返宣教區服事。http://www.todmi.org/index.html

3. 求 主保守洛福教會姜明磊牧師在大陸宣教 4/13~4/23 ,台灣宣教 4/24~5/1出入平安。


明天還要上課 . 我先休息了 . 晚安!神賜福妳

流淚撒種的必歡呼收割

如何讓他人樂意改變】

如何讓他人樂意改變身為領導者的我們應該隨時記住以下要點:

一、要誠懇。對自己做不到的事不要輕易許諾。不要老是想著自己的利益,而要關注別人的利益。

二、要確實知道你想要別人做什麼。

三、要突顯。問問自己,什麼是別人真正想要的東西。

四、想想看,別人若照你的意思去做,會有什麼好處。

五、你所給予的好處,是否為對方真正所需?

六、在你要求別人做事的時候,應讓對方明瞭他會因此而獲得某些好處。舉個例子:我們可以直截了當如此命令:「約翰,明天有顧客要到店裡來,我要你把倉庫整理好。清掃一下,把貨品在架上排整齊,櫃檯也要擦乾淨。」或者,我們可以把同樣的意思,用另一種方法表達,尤其可讓約翰知道自己做這事有什麼好處。「約翰,有件事我們要馬上做,假如現在完成,等一下就不會有太多事擠在一起了。明天,我請了幾個顧客到店裡來,也要讓他們參觀一下倉庫。但現在倉庫很亂,假如你能把倉庫清掃乾淨,把架上的東西放整齊,並且把櫃檯擦乾淨,這樣不但會顯得我們做事有效率,而且也能讓顧客留下好的印象。」

你所建議的這些事,約翰會樂意去做嗎?也許不是很樂意,但總比你沒有指出好處時要好些。假如你知道約翰對自己所管理的倉庫情形相當在意,而他也很樂意為公司的形象貢獻一點心力,那麼,你這麼說,他一定會樂於合作。此外,你還指出這件事無論如何要做,所以,早點完成,等一下就輕鬆多了。

當然,假如也不是每次這麼說,對方都會有良性反應。但經驗顯示,這麼做,通常都比較能讓人改變態度。對員工是這樣,對孩子也是,不只是告訴他要做什麼,還要讓他知道這麼做對他的好處是什麼,自然而然他會更樂意照著我們的意思去做



NCIS(電視連續劇) From Wikiquote出自維基語錄

Contents內容 [hide]
1 JAG Pilot Episodes 1 JAG的試點情節
1.1 Ice Queen 1.1 冰女
1.2 Meltdown 1.2 消融
2 Season 1 2條 第1季
2.1 Yankee White [1.1] 2.1 洋基白色[1.1]
2.2 Hung Out To Dry [1.2] 2.2 掛出幹[1.2]
2.3 Seadog [1.3] 2.3 Seadog [1.3]
2.4 The Immortals [1.4] 2.4仙[1.4]
2.5 The Curse [1.5] 2.5 詛咒[1.5]
2.6 High Seas [1.6] 公海 2.6 [1.6]
2.7 Sub Rosa [1.7] 2.7 分羅莎[1.7]
2.8 Minimum Security [1.8] 2.8 最低安全[1.8]
2.9 Marine Down [1.9] 2.9 海洋向下[1.9]
2.10 Left For Dead [1.10] 2.10 左死[1.10]
2.11 Eye Spy [1.11] 2.11 眼間諜[1.11]
2.12 My Other Left Foot [1.12] 2.12 我的其他的左腳[1.12]
2.13 One Shot, One Kill [1.13] 2.13 一炮,一殺[1.13]
2.14 The Good Samaritan [1.14] 2.14戈德薩馬里滕[1.14]
2.15 Enigma [1.15] 2.15 之謎[1.15]
2.16 Bete Noire [1.16] BETE黑角 2.16 [1.16]
2.17 The Truth Is Out There [1.17] 2.17真相就在那裡[1.17]
2.18 UnSEALed [1.18] 2.18 啟封[1.18]
2.19 Dead Man Talking [1.19] 2.19 死的人[1.19]
2.20 Missing [1.20] 2.20 缺少[1.20]
2.21 Split Decision [1.21] 2.21 分裂的決定[1.21]
2.22 A Weak Link [1.22] 2.22薄弱環節[1.22]
2.23 Reveille [1.23] 2.23 起床號[1.23]
3 Season Two 3 第二季
3.1 See No Evil [2.1] 3.1 見沒有邪惡[2.1]
3.2 The Good Wives Club [2.2] 3.2好妻子俱樂部[2.2]
3.3 Vanished [2.3] 3.3 消失[2.3]
3.4 Lt. 3.4 中將 Jane Doe [2.4] Jane Doe的[2.4]
3.5 The Bone Yard [2.05] 3.5骨場[2.05]
3.6 Terminal Leave [2.6] 3.6 終端離開[2.6]
3.7 Call of Silence [2.7] 3.7 呼叫沉默[2.7]
3.8 Heart Break [2.8] 3.8 心碎[2.8]
3.9 Forced Entry [2.9] 3.9 強行進入[2.9]
3.10 Chained [2.10] 3.10 連鎖[2.10]
3.11 Black Water [2.11] 黑色水 3.11 [2.11]
3.12 Doppelganger [2.12] 3.12 分身[2.12]
3.13 The Meat Puzzle [2.13] 3.13肉類謎[2.13]
3.14 Witness [2.14] 3.14 見證人[2.14]
3.15 Caught on Tape [2.15] 3.15 抓住磁帶上的[2.15]
3.16 Pop Life [2.16] 3.16 波普生活[2.16]
3.17 An Eye for an Eye [2.17] 3.17 以眼還眼[2.17]
3.18 Bikini Wax [2.18] 3.18 比基尼蠟[2.18]
3.19 Conspiracy Theory [2.19] 3.19 陰謀論[2.19]
3.20 Red Cell [2.20] 3.20 紅細胞[2.20]
3.21 Hometown Hero [2.21] 3.21 家鄉的英雄[2.21]
3.22 SWAK [2.22] 3.22 SWAK [2.22]
3.23 Twilight [2.23] 3.23 暮光之城[2.23]
4 Season Three 4 季節三
4.1 Kill Ari: Part 1 [3.1] 4.1 殺阿里:第1部分[3.1]
4.2 Kill Ari: Part 2 [3.2] 4.2 殺阿里第2部分:[3.2]
4.3 Mind Games [3.3] 4.3 智力遊戲[3.3]
4.4 Silver War [3.4] 4.4 銀戰爭[3.4]
4.5 Switch [3.5] 4.5 開關[3.5]
4.6 The Voyeur's Web [3.6] 4.6 偷窺的Web [3.6]
4.7 Honor Code [3.7] 4.7 榮譽代碼[3.7]
4.8 Under Covers [3.8] 4.8 在封面[3.8]
4.9 Frame-Up [3.9] 4.9 陷害[3.9]
4.10 Probie [3.10] 4.10 Probie [3.10]
4.11 Model Behavior [3.11] 4.11 模型行為[3.11]
4.12 Boxed In [3.12] 4.12 [3.12]盒裝
4.13 Deception [3.13] 4.13 欺騙[3.13]
4.14 Light Sleeper [3.14] 4.14 輕夢[3.14]
4.15 Head Case [3.15] 4.15 頭案[3.15]
4.16 Family Secret [3.16] 4.16 家庭秘密[3.16]
4.17 Ravenous [3.17] 4.17 貪婪[3.17]
4.18 Bait [3.18] 4.18 誘餌[3.18]
4.19 Iced [3.19] 4.19 冰[3.19]
4.20 Untouchable [3.20] 4.20 賤民[3.20]
4.21 Bloodbath [3.21] 4.21 血洗[3.21]
4.22 Jeopardy [3.22] 4.22 危險[3.22]
4.23 Hiatus: Part 1 [3.23] 4.23 裂孔第1部分:[3.23]
4.24 Hiatus: Part 2 [3.24] 4.24 裂孔第2部分:[3.24]
5 Season 4 5 第4季
5.1 Shalom [4.1] 5.1 沙洛姆[4.1]
5.2 Escaped [4.2] 5.2 逃逸[4.2]
5.3 Singled Out [4.3] 5.3 單挑[4.3]
5.4 Faking It [4.4] 5.4 偽造[4.4]
5.5 Dead And Unburied [4.5] 5.5 死亡和掩埋[4.5]
5.6 Witch Hunt [4.6] 5.6 政治迫害[4.6]
5.7 Sandblast [4.7] 5.7 噴砂[4.7]
5.8 Once A Hero [4.8] 5.8 一旦英雄[4.8]
5.9 Twisted Sister [4.9] 5.9 扭大姐[4.9]
5.10 Smoked [4.10] 5.10 煙[4.10]
5.11 Driven [4.11] 5.11 驅動[4.11]
5.12 Suspicion [4.12] 5.12 猜疑[4.12]
5.13 Sharif Returns [4.13] 5.13 謝里夫返回[4.13]
5.14 Blowback [4.14] 5.14 反吹[4.14]
5.15 Friends & Lovers [4.15] 5.15 朋友及情人[4.15]
5.16 Dead Man Walking [4.16] 5.16 死的人走[4.16]
5.17 Skeletons [4.17] 5.17 骷髏[4.17]
5.18 Iceman [4.18] 5.18 冰人[4.18]
5.19 Grace Period [4.19] 5.19 寬限期[4.19]
5.20 Cover Story [4.20] 5.20 封面故事[4.20]
5.21 Brothers In Arms [4.21] 5.21 在兄弟連[4.21]
5.22 In The Dark [4.22] 5.22 在黑暗的[4.22]
5.23 Trojan Horse [4.23] 5.23 特洛伊木馬[4.23]
5.24 Angel Of Death [4.24] 5.24 死亡天使[4.24]
6 Season 5 6 季節5
6.1 Bury Your Dead [5.1] 6.1 埋葬你的死人[5.1]
6.2 Family [5.2] 6.2 家庭[5.2]
6.3 Ex-File [5.3] 6.3 前文件[5.3]
6.4 Identity Crisis [5.4] 6.4 認同危機[5.4]
6.5 Leap of Faith [5.5] 6.5 信仰的飛躍[5.5]
6.6 Chimera [5.6] 6.6 嵌合體[5.6]
6.7 Requiem [5.7] 6.7 安魂曲“[5.7]
6.8 Designated Target [5.8] 6.8 指定目標[5.8]
6.9 Lost and Found [5.9] 6.9 失物招領[5.9]
6.10 Corporal Punishment [5.10] 6.10 體罰[5.10]
6.11 Tribes [5.11] 6.11 部落[5.11]
6.12 Stakeout [5.12] 6.12 放樣[5.12]
6.13 Dog Tags [5.13] 6.13 狗標籤[5.13]
6.14 Internal Affairs [5.14] 內部事務 6.14 [5.14]
6.15 In The Zone [5.15] 6.15 在區域[5.15]
6.16 Recoil [5.16] 6.16 反沖[5.16]
6.17 About Face [5.17] 6.17 關於臉[5.17]
6.18 Judgment Day [5.18,19] 6.18 審判日[5.18,19]
7 Season 6 7 季節6
7.1 Last Man Standing [6.01] 7.1 最後的男子站在 [6.01]
7.2 Agent Afloat [6.02] 7.2 代理水上 [6.02]
7.3 Capitol Offence [6.03] 7.3 國會的罪行 [6.03]
7.4 Heartland [6.04] 7.4 哈特蘭德 [6.04]
7.5 Nine Lives [6.05] 7.5 九死一生 [6.05]
7.6 Murder 2.0 [6.06] 7.6 謀殺2.0 [6.06]
7.7 Collateral Damage [6.07] 7.7 附帶損害 [6.07]
7.8 Cloak [6.08] 7.8 披風 [6.08]
7.9 Dagger [6.09] 7.9 匕首 [6.09]
7.10 Road Kill [6.10] 7.10 路殺 [6.10]
7.11 Silent Night [6.11] 7.11 平安夜 [6.11]
7.12 Caged [6.12] 7.12 籠 [6.12]
7.13 Broken Bird [6.13] 7.13 殘破的鳥 [6.13]
7.14 Love & War [6.14] 7.14 愛與戰爭 [6.14]
7.15 Deliverance [6.15] 7.15 拯救 [6.15]
7.16 Bounce [6.16] 7.16 彈跳 [6.16]
7.17 South by Southwest [6.17] 7.17 南由西南 [6.17]
7.18 Knockout [6.18] 7.18 淘汰賽 [6.18]
7.19 Hide and Seek [6.19] 7.19 捉迷藏 [6.19]
7.20 Dead Reckoning [6.20] 死決戰 7.20 [6.20]
7.21 Toxic [6.21] 7.21 毒性 [6.21]
7.22 Legend: Part 1 [6.22] 7.22 傳奇:第1部分 [6.22]
7.23 Legend: Part 2 [6.23] 7.23 傳奇第2部分:[6.23]
7.24 Semper Fidelis [6.24] 7.24 森佩爾菲德利斯 [6.24]
7.25 Aliyah [6.25] 7.25 Aliyah [6.25]
8 Season 7 8 第7季
8.1 Truth or Consequences [7.01] 8.1 真相或後果 [7.01]
8.2 Reunion [7.02] 8.2 團圓 [7.02]
8.3 The Inside Man [7.03] 8.3 內部人 [7.03]
8.4 Good Cop, Bad Cop [7.04] 8.4 好警察,壞警察 [7.04]
8.5 Code of Conduct [7.05] 8.5 守則的行為 [7.05]
8.6 Outlaws and In-Laws [7.06] 8.6 水滸傳“和公婆 [7.06]
8.7 Endgame [7.07] 8.7 殘局 [7.07]
8.8 Power Down [7.08] 8.8 掉電 [7.08]
8.9 Child's Play [7.09] 8.9 兒童遊戲 [7.09]
8.10 Faith [7.10] 8.10 信仰 [7.10]
8.11 Ignition [7.11] 8.11 點火 [7.11]
8.12 Flesh and Blood [7.12] 8.12 肉和血 [7.12]
8.13 Jetlag [7.13] 時差 8.13 [7.13]
8.14 Masquerade [7.14] 8.14 避世 [7.14]
8.15 Jack Knife [7.15] 8.15 傑克刀 [7.15]
8.16 Mother's Day [7.16] 8.16 的母親節 [7.16]
8.17 Double Identity [7.17] 8.17 雙重身份 [7.17]
8.18 Jurisdiction [7.18] 8.18 管轄權 [7.18]
8.19 Guilty Pleasure [7.19] 8.19 內疚的快感 [7.19]
8.20 Moonlighting [7.20] 8.20 走穴 [7.20]
8.21 Obsession [7.21] 8.21 痴迷 [7.21]
8.22 Borderland [7.22] 8.22 邊疆 [7.22]
8.23 Patriot Down [7.23] 8.23 愛國者向下 [7.23]
8.24 Rule Fifty-One [7.24] 8.24 第五十一 [7.24]
9 Season 8 9個 賽季8
9.1 Spider and the Fly [8.01] 9.1 蜘蛛和蒼蠅 [8.01]
9.2 Worst Nightmare [8.02] 9.2 最可怕的噩夢 [8.02]
9.3 Short Fuse [8.03] 9.3 短保險絲 [8.03]
9.4 Royals and Loyals [8.04] 9.4 皇家和忠誠者 [8.04]
9.5 Dead Air [8.05] 9.5 死氣 [8.05]
9.6 Cracked [8.06] 9.6 破解 [8.06]
9.7 Broken Arrow [8.07] 9.7 斷箭 [8.07]
9.8 Enemies Foreign [8.08] 9.8 天敵外資 [8.08]
9.9 Enemies Domestic [8.09] 9.9 天敵國內 [8.09]
9.10 False Witness [8.10] 9.10 假見證 [8.10]
9.11 Ships In The Night [8.11] 9.11 船舶在夜間 [8.11]
9.12 Recruited [8.12] 9.12 招募 [8.12]
9.13 Freedom [8.13] 9.13 自由 [8.13]
9.14 A Man Walks Into A Bar... [8.14] 9.14 一個男人走進一家酒吧... [8.14]
9.15 Defiance [8.15] 9.15 無視 [8.15]
9.16 Kill Screen [8.16] 9.16 殺敵屏幕 [8.16]
9.17 One Last Score [8.17] 9.17 一個最後分數 [8.17]
9.18 Out of the Frying Pan... [8.18] 9.18 煎鍋... [8.18]
9.19 Tell All [8.19] 9.19 告訴所有的 [8.19]
9.20 Two-Faced [8.20] 9.20 兩面派 [8.20]
9.21 Dead Reflection [8.21] 9.21 死的思考 [8.21]
9.22 Baltimore [8.22] 9.22 巴爾的摩 [8.22]
9.23 Swan Song [8.23] 9.23 絕唱 [8.23]
9.24 Pyramid [8.24] 9.24 金字塔 [8.24]
10 Season 9 10 第9季
10.1 Nature of the Beast [9.1] 10.1 大自然的野獸[9.1]
10.2 Restless [9.2] 10.2 不寧[9.2]
10.3 Penelope's Papers [9.3] 10.3 佩內洛普的文件[9.3]
10.4 Enemy on the Hill [9.4] 10.4 敵山[9.4]
10.5 Safe Harbor [9.5] 10.5 安全港[9.5]
10.6 Thirst [9.6] 10.6 渴[9.6]
10.7 Devil's Triangle [9.7] 10.7 魔鬼三角[9.7]
10.8 Engaged (Part 1) [9.8] 10.8 就業人數(1)[9.8]
10.9 Engaged (Part 2) [9.9] 10.9 就業人數(第二部分)[9.9]
10.10 Sins of the Father [9.10] 10.10 罪孽的父親[9.10]
10.11 Newborn King [9.11] 10.11 新生王[9.11]
10.12 Housekeeping [9.12] 10.12 管家[9.12]
10.13 A Desperate Man [9.13] 10.13 一個絕望的人[9.13]
10.14 Life Before His Eyes [9.14] 10.14 在他眼前的生活[9.14]
10.15 Secrets [9.15] 10.15 秘密[9.15]
10.16 Psych Out [9.16] 10.16 精極度緊張OUT [9.16]
10.17 Need to Know [9.17] 10.17 需要知道[9.17]
10.18 The Tell [9.18] 10.18推薦[9.18]
10.19 The Good Son [9.19] 10.19 的好兒子[9.19]
10.20 The Missionary Position [9.20] 10.20傳教士姿勢[9.20]
10.21 Rekindled [9.21] 10.21 重燃[9.21]
10.22 Playing with Fire [9.22] 10.22 扮演與消防[9.22]
10.23 Up In Smoke [9.23] 10.23 在煙霧[9.23]
10.24 Till Death Do Us Part [9.24] 直到死亡 10.24 我們的一部分[9.24]
11 Cast 11投
12 External links 12 外部鏈接


[ edit ] JAG Pilot Episodes [ 編輯 ] JAG的試點情節 NOTE: Before being launched as its own series, NCIS was featured as a two part episode in Season 8 of the Series JAG 注:作為推出自己的系列之前,NCIS在第八季兩部分的系列情節JAG的特色作為

[ edit ] Ice Queen [ 編輯 ] 冰上皇后 Ducky : Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once. 鴨子 :代理黑爵士,我想起一個年輕的女人,我一次屍檢。
Gibbs : [looking at the body] When'd she die? 吉布斯 : 身體] When'd的她死了嗎?
Ducky : Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. 鴨子 :噢,天哪,在好萊塢。 Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago.讓我們來看看,它有至少20年前。 She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto --她是一位助理電影剪輯和電影編輯的妻子深陷其中現行犯 -
Gibbs : [interrupting] This one, Ducky. 吉布斯 :[打斷]這其中,迷人。 When did this one die?什麼時候這個人死去?

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Gibbs : Cause of death? 吉布斯 :死因?
Ducky : Well, it wasn't the arrow. 鴨子 :嗯,這是沒有箭頭。

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Tony : [refering to the Caf Pow ] Is that number 2 or 3 today? 托尼 :[轉介由那些到咖啡戰俘 ] 2號或3今天?
Abby : If you must know, it's number 4. 艾比 :如果你一定要知道,這是4號。
Tony : [holds up evidence bag] I brought you a present. 托尼 :[證據袋]我給你帶來一份禮物。
Abby : [smiles] And you wonder why you're still single. 艾比 :[微笑]你不知道你為什麼還是單身。

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Tony : You redecorating? 托尼 :你裝修了嗎?
Abby : I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit. 艾比 :我想我亮了一下地方。
Tony : You take these? 托尼 :你把這些嗎?
Abby : Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5 . 艾比 :是啊,這是一個什麼樣的截面12號做L5的三級 。
Tony : Shotgun-shattered backbone? 托尼 :獵槍,破碎的骨幹?
Abby : Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum . 艾比 :雅,有1 小腦的截面icepick,中間的一個。
Tony : [grimaces, then looks at another picture] Duodenum? 托尼 :[鬼臉,然後在另一張照片看起來] 十二指腸?
Abby : Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". 艾比 :是啊,我喜歡把它稱為“十二指腸與鹼液獵”。 It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.這是一個悲慘的結局Drano酒量。
Tony : You need to get out more, Abby. 托尼 :您需要得到更多的,艾比。
Abby : Is that an invite? 艾比 :這是一個邀請嗎?

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Abby : [lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car] Let your fingers do the talking. [to Tony] Why'd they tow it? 艾比 :[起重受害人的汽車指紋]讓你的手指來說話[托尼為什麼他們拖它。?
Tony : It was abandoned in a lot at Great Falls. 托尼 :它被遺棄在很多大瀑布。 Any of those finger prints big enough to be a man's?這些手指的任何輸出足夠大,是一個人的嗎?
Abby : Yep. 艾比 :是的。 Whoever was riding shotgun.誰是騎著獵槍。
Tony : How fast can you run 'em? 托尼 :有多快,你可以運行'?
Abby : Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner... 艾比 :一般約12個小時,但吃飯......
Tony : Get me an ID in two, and I'll make it Cafe Alantico. 托尼 :我在這兩個ID,我會讓它咖啡Alantico。
Abby : Sweet. 艾比 :甜。

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[Vivian is reading Rabb his rights] [維維安正在讀拉布他的權利]
Rabb : I know my Article 31 rights, and I waive them. 拉布 :我知道我的第31條的權利,我放棄他們。
[she continues reading them] 她繼續讀他們]
Rabb : I said I waive them. 拉布 :我說我放棄他們。
Gibbs : She used to be FBI. 吉布斯 :她曾經是聯邦調查局。


[ edit ] Meltdown [ 編輯 ] 消融 Rabb : There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt. 拉布 :在這種情況下有足夠的孔,以提高合理懷疑。
Lt. Cmdr. 少校。 Coleman : There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. 科爾曼 :也有足夠的證據,以配合您的謀殺和證人的字符串。 Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.你的同事會證明你和中尉歌手直到她的死亡時間之間的氣話。
Rabb : Well, it could be worse, I guess. 拉布 :嗯,它可能會更糟,我猜。
Coleman : How? 科爾曼 :如何?
Rabb : I could not have an alibi. 拉布 :我不能有一個藉口。
Coleman : [in annoyance] You have an alibi? 科爾曼 :[煩惱]你有一個藉口?
Rabb : No. 拉布 :不可以。

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[Ducky is telling his findings in court] [鴨子告訴他的研究結果,在法庭上]
Major McBurney : What else did you discover? 主要麥克伯尼 :你發現什麼?
Ducky : On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. 鴨子 :在她的左臀部,我發現了一個跟?豹紋身。 Majestic.大氣磅?。 Brilliant.輝煌。 I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration.我只看到其他類似的:在布宜諾斯艾利斯的探戈舞者死於脫水。 I was on sabbatical at the ti--我是在休假在TI -
McBurney : [interrupts] Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer. 麥克伯尼 :[中斷]醫生,我是問有關中尉歌手的。
Ducky : She wasn't in Buenos Aires... 鴨子 :她是不是在布宜諾斯艾利斯......

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Coleman : Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall? 科爾曼 :醫生是沒有可能的LT受傷的意外跌落的結果嗎?
Ducky : [very seriously] Well the railing is very high. 鴨子 :[非常嚴重]嗯是非常高的欄杆。 It's quite unlikely.這不太可能。 Unless the LT's unconscious body levitated and dropped over the side.除非在LT的無意識的身體懸浮丟棄在一邊。 I've heard--我聽說 -
Coleman : [cutting him off] Thank you Doctor. 科爾曼 :[他]謝謝你,大夫。

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[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat] [拉布指揮官的名字後,發現在帽子上]
Abby : If the hat does fit, you can't acquit. 艾比 :如果帽子不適合,你不能開釋。
[both lawyers give Abby a funny look] 雙方的律師給阿比一個有趣的]
Abby : Oh, come on; one of you would have said it if you had thought of it first. 艾比 :哦,來吧,你會說,如果你想到這一點,首先。

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Vivian : I'm sorry, I almost blew it. 維維安 :對不起,我差點搞砸了。
Gibbs : [disapprovingly] Almost? 吉布斯 :[不以為然]乎?
Tony : I still like you. 托尼 :我還是喜歡你。
[ edit ] Season 1 [ 編輯 ] 第1季 [ edit ] Yankee White [1.1] [ 編輯 ] 洋基白 [1.1] Note: Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service . 注:代理凱特琳“凱特”托德開始首發作為代理美國特勤局 。 A navy officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in Charge.一個海軍軍官死亡,而登上空軍一號 ,她是特別代理費。 Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in the second episode joined NCIS.托德辭去在首發年底特勤,並在第二個情節加入NCIS。


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Gibbs: We're LEO's. 吉布斯:我們是獅子座的。
TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn. TSA代理丹尼斯:啊,我是摩羯座。
Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer. 托尼:LEO,執法人員。
Gibbs: Are you... 吉布斯:你是... new at this, Dennis?在這個新的,丹尼斯?
Dennis: First week! [checks their papers] NCIS. 丹尼斯:第一週[檢查他們的論文] NCIS! Never heard of it.從來沒有聽說過它。
Gibbs: [to Tony] Now that's embarrassing. 吉布斯: 托尼現在的尷尬。
Dennis: NCIS? 丹尼斯:NCIS嗎? That anything like CSI ? ,像什麼證 ?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic. 托尼:只有當你誦讀困難。

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Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... 托尼:吉布斯,飛行員將無法起飛,直到特勤小雞給我們... [看到凱特與吉布斯] ... thumbs up.豎起大拇指。
Kate: I think that just made it my team. 凱特:我認為,它只是我的球隊。
Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. 吉布斯:不,我要劫持“空軍一號”。 Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.托尼,這架飛機護航代理托德關閉和關閉的艙口。
Kate: You're not serious! 凱特:你不是認真的! Wait.等待。 Fine. Your team.罰款。 你的團隊。 But just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.只是因為我不希望我們任何進一步拖延拍你。

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Tony: Excuse me. 托尼:對不起。 You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches.你需要站在清楚,所以我可以為我的犯罪現場草圖的測量。 Thanks.謝謝。
Kate: Sketches? 凱特:素描嗎? You've taken a dozen photos.你已經採取了十幾張照片。
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements. 托尼:[ 精選了一個男人的雜誌,告訴我她的三圍。
Kate: You're pathetic. 凱特:你是可悲的。
Tony: No, I'm serious. 托尼:不,我是認真的。 Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D?你能告訴她5'4 1 34C或5'7和36D? You can't.你不能。 Not from a photo.不是從一張照片。 That's why we do sketches and take measurements.這就是為什麼我們做的草圖和進行測量。 Thanks.謝謝。
[Later] [後來]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking? 鴨子:我想你的照片分析是輝煌的,托尼,但不是36D的有點一廂情願?
Tony: You think? 托尼:你覺得呢?

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Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. 吉布斯:NCIS不漏。 These plans get out...這些計劃得到了... you can shoot DiNozzo.可以拍攝DiNozzo。
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you. 凱特:不,我想我注定要開槍打死你。

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Gibbs: Rule Number One: Never let suspects stay together. 吉布斯:規則一:不要讓犯罪嫌疑人呆在一起。
Gibbs: Rule Number Two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene. 吉布斯:規則二:務必戴上手套,在犯罪現場。
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. 吉布斯:規則三:不要相信你說什麼。 Always double check.總是仔細檢查。
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot , or crochet them on pillows? 凱特:我寫這些規則對我的Palm Pilot或鉤針枕頭?

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Abby: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack? 艾比:什麼你要不要,而我的毒物測試在一個健康的小吃?
Tony: I'll wait. 托尼:我會等待。
Abby: There's a futon under the desk. 艾比:在桌子底下有一個蒲團。
Tony: Bless you. 托尼:上帝保佑你。
Abby: What are you, my priest? 艾比:你是什麼,我的牧師?
Tony: Curse you? 托尼:詛咒你?

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Gibbs: [to Todd] You mind if I tag along? 吉布斯: 托德]你介意如果我尾隨? Please?好嗎?
Abby: Wow, Gibbs said please! 艾比:哇,吉布斯說,請!

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Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss? 吉布斯:你喜歡玩我的老闆?
Ducky: I did rather. 鴨子:我相當。
[ edit ] Hung Out To Dry [1.2] [ 編輯 ] 洪晾乾 [1.2] Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes? 吉布斯:多久酸,並檢查了其餘的槽?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day. 艾比:嗯,我飛獨奏,所以每天至少。
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant? 吉布斯:走得更快,如果你有一個助手?
Abby: Definitely. 艾比:當然。
Gibbs: Okay, you got the job. 吉布斯:好的,你得到了這份工作。
Kate: I get to do forensics? 凱特:我可以做取證?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics. 吉布斯:不,你對Abby拖帶,她又做取證。

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Tony: Why didn't you take this fast to me, Abby? 托尼:你為什麼不採取這個快給我,艾比?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony, it takes awhile for the throbbing to stop and for the skin to grow back. 艾比:你像穿孔,托尼,它需要一段時間停止了跳動和皮膚重新長出。
Tony: Well, that's more than I wanted to know. 托尼:嗯,這是比我更想知道。

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Abby: Sulfuric Acid. 艾比:硫酸。 That'd chew the shine off a trailer hitch.就吃掀起了拖車掛鉤的光澤。
Kate: How'd you get into this? 凱特:你怎麼到這得到嗎?
Abby: I filled out an application. 艾比:我填寫了申請。
[Later] [後來]
Kate: How'd you get into NCIS? 凱特:你是怎麼進入NCIS得到嗎?
Tony: I smiled. 托尼:我笑了。

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Tony: What's your chute number? 托尼:你的降落傘是什麼?
Marine: Four. 海洋:四。
Tony: Four's unlucky in China. 托尼:四國在中國的晦氣。
Gibbs: We're not in China. 吉布斯:我們是不是在中國。

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Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir? 海洋:為什麼你跟我們跳,先生?
Tony: Always wanted to jump. 托尼:總是想跳。 Gibbs came along to laugh.吉布斯走過來笑。

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Gibbs: We're going with you boys. 吉布斯:我們與你的男孩。 NCIS training mission. NCIS的培訓任務。
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? 福勒上尉:現在為什麼不相信的呢? Hell, why not!地獄,何樂而不為! Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.恨折騰出平面的NCIS代理,有機會通過。

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Gibbs: Come on, lets get you boots, you can't do field work in heels. 吉布斯:來吧,讓你的靴子,你不能在高跟鞋領域的工作。
Tony: Depends what kind of field work! 托尼:什麼樣的野外工作!

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Kate: DiNozzo, your mind goes from X to XXX . 凱特:DiNozzo,你的頭腦, 從 X 到XXX 。
Tony: Yeh... 托尼:葉...

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Tony: Wow! 托尼:哇! In that outfit, you could be NCIS cover girl.在裝,你可能會NCIS的封面女孩。
[ edit ] Seadog [1.3] [ 編輯 ] Seadog [1.3] Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff? 杰拉德:你推下懸崖的法國警察嗎?
Ducky: There was a lake below! 鴨子:下面是一個湖!
Gibbs: Sixty feet below. 吉布斯:60英尺以下。

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Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over large numbers of $100 bills. 凱特:我是在特勤局,我們往往會得到所有的熱和超過100元的鈔票大量的困擾。
Tony: Is that what does it for you? 托尼:是什麼你?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery you will never find out. 凱特:是什麼,對我來說,托尼是一個謎,你將永遠也找不到了。
Tony: But, I know the answer.... 托尼:但是,我知道答案.... Grant.授予。

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Tony: [about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists] You do not have the right to remain silent. 托尼:[ 毒梟發送到關塔那摩恐怖分子嫌疑人,你沒有保持沉默的權利。 You do not have the right to an attorney.你沒有律師的權利。 If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one.如果你想要一個律師,你不會看到一個預約。 Do you understand these rights you don't have?你了解這些權利,你沒有嗎?

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Abby: [while watching video of a terrorists van] Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival ? 艾比:[ 一邊看視頻的恐怖分子麵包車我們提交的聖丹斯電影節 ?
Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category. 托尼:是的,最好的恐怖電影類。
Abby: Sweet. 艾比:甜。

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Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it? 托尼:好,給你一個溫暖的模糊感覺,不 ??是嗎?
Gerald: What? 杰拉爾德:什麼?
Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene. 托尼:吉布斯信任與受污染的犯罪現場。

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Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister. 托尼:我覺得我只是吻了我的妹妹。
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony. 艾比:我不知道你有一個妹妹托尼。
Tony: I don't. 托尼:我不知道。 I was fantasizing.我的幻想。
Abby: I need music to do that. 艾比:我需要音樂來做到這一點。
[ edit ] The Immortals [1.4] [ 編輯 ] 神仙 [1.4] Tony: No boss, you don't understand. 托尼:沒有老闆,你不明白。 I love Puerto Rico .我愛波多黎各 。
Kate: Been there a lot? 凱特:有很多嗎?
Tony: [excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end] No that's just it, I've never been there... 托尼:[ 開始興奮......尾隨在年底關閉不只是它,我從來沒有去過那裡...... I mean I'm so wanting to go.我的意思是讓我想要去的。 Ever since I was a kid I was just...so wanting...sorry...I just always...自從我還是個孩子,我只是......這樣想......對不起......我總是...
Gibbs: [deadpan] Wanted to be there. 吉布斯:[ 面無表情]想在那裡。
Tony: Yeah. 托尼:是的。

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Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes. 鴨子:那麼,如果你能原諒我,我會走出他的濕衣服我們可憐的水手。
Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you? 托尼:你不會說,和成幹馬提尼,是嗎?

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Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... 托尼:[ 吉布斯]當你的電腦怪胎入侵地牢和戰鬥食人魔,忒不剪[吉布斯看看... Neither does Tony.也不托尼。

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Kate: So they pretty much hate us. 凱特:因此,他們非常恨我們。
Tony: Noooooooooo........... 托尼:Noooooooooo ........... Pretty much.漂亮多了。

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Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico? 托尼:是不是你們在所有在我從波多黎各感興趣嗎?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. 吉布斯和凱特:[ 嘆氣]當然。 Fine.罰款。
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers] [托尼的笑容和手他們的情侶袋,凱特在她看起來]
Kate: You gotta be kidding. 凱特:你是在開玩笑。
Tony: A bikini. 托尼:比基尼。 Two-piece.兩件。
Kate: A bottom. 凱特:一個底部。 And a hat??和帽子嗎?
Tony: Puerto Rican! 托尼:波多黎各!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on? 吉布斯:任何機會,你去嘗試,對嗎?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first. 凱特:[ 扔在吉布斯你先。
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. 吉布斯: 看起來在比基尼底部]相信我。 It's not gonna fit.它不是要去適應。
Kate: Pigs. 凱特:豬。 I work with pigs.我的工作與豬。
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. 托尼:[ 吉布斯打開他的禮物,這是一個幻想RPG書。 Complete with character sheets and dice.完成字符表和骰子。 Baby steps, Gibbs.嬰兒的步驟,吉布斯。 Baby steps.嬰兒的步驟。
Gibbs: It's in Spanish. 吉布斯:它是在西班牙。
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there? 托尼:只是你沒有賞心悅目,有嗎?
[ edit ] The Curse [1.5] [ 編輯 ] 詛咒 [1.5] Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch. 托尼:高爾夫俱樂部屬於他的RIO,林奇中將。
Kate: RIO? 凱特:RIO的嗎?
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. 托尼:雷達攔截主任。 Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in back.也稱為槽,一架B - 短的傢伙在後面。
Kate: [to Gibbs] What do you need two B's for? 凱特:[ 吉布斯]你需要兩個B的嗎?
Gibbs: Second one's for bastard. 吉布斯:二是私生子。

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Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me. 托尼:這還挺感人,吉布斯,記住的一天,你僱我。
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. 吉布斯:是啊,它似乎像一個好主意時。

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Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it. 吉布斯:如果那個東西掉了一架飛機,有人提出了TFOA它的報告。
Kate: TFOA? 凱特:TFOA?
Tony: Things falling off aircraft. 托尼:就是下降了飛機。
Kate: You're kidding. 凱特:你在開玩笑。
Gibbs: Nope. 吉布斯:NOPE的。 Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to biplanes.海軍不斷記錄之類的事情,回來的路上,以雙翼飛機。

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Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. 鴨子:你知道驗屍細節可以非常暴露。 Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?還記得四年前,這種情況下,年輕的海軍陸戰隊員被埋葬在一個蟻丘,他的脖子上嗎?
Gibbs: Duck. 吉布斯:鴨。 It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did he die?這是八年前。 點到身體在太平間,他是怎麼死的?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. 鴨子:不,這不可能是8年。 No, I know it wasn't!不,我知道這是不是! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat.四年前的第三任妻子打你的頭在用棒球棒。 I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.我清楚地記得在該表上的螞蟻吃的海洋時,我縫你。

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Abby: Sailor on the half-shell! 艾比:半殼上的水手!
Ducky: Oh, Abby, please... 鴨子:哦,阿比,請...
Abby: Sorry. 艾比:對不起。

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Gibbs: How could she not know? 吉布斯:她怎麼能不知道嗎?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service. 蘭迪:我們會見了馬克的追悼會。
Gibbs: What'd you say? 吉布斯:你說什麼? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?' “我經過,挖出的音樂,決定放棄?”
[ edit ] High Seas [1.6] [ 編輯 ] 公海 [1.6] Gibbs's voicemail: Gibbs. 吉布斯的語音信箱:吉布斯。 Talk.交談。

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Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait jacket . 托尼:五年吉布斯;我很驚訝的傢伙並沒有結束在兩岸夾克 。
Gibbs: What was that? 吉布斯:那是什麼?
Tony: Nothing, boss. 托尼:沒有,老闆。 Just praising your communication skills.只是讚美你的溝通技巧。

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Kate: This...isn't the deck 5 berthing compartment, is it? 凱特:這...是不是5靠泊艙甲板,是什麼呢?
Sailor: ( while standing at a urinal ) No ma'am this is the men's head on deck 6. 水手:( 站在一個小便池 )沒有太太,這是男人的頭甲板上的6。

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Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs. 托尼:船員不吸毒,你們肯定做了很多藥。

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Ducky : [ to Gerald after reenacting a death ] You're supposed to be dead. 鴨子 :[杰拉爾德後重演死亡 ]你應該是死了。

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Kate : All I'm saying is that... 凱特 :我想說的是... things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.表面上的事情並不總是在上下文中,當你把他們與他們的發展其實,你知道,在表面之下,還挺方式相同。
Tony : I have no idea what you said. 托尼 :我不知道你說什麼。
Kate : Neither do I. But the intent was sincere. 凱特 :我也是。但是意圖是真誠的。

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Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. 吉布斯:高於他的床墊,下面他的床墊,在他的床墊。 If there's such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.如果有這樣的床墊作為第四維的事情,去,太。
[ edit ] Sub Rosa [1.7] [ 編輯 ] 子羅莎 [1.7]
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Kate: [after she spills Gibbs' coffee] What do you put in your coffee? 凱特:[ 後她溢出Gibbs的咖啡]你把你的咖啡?
Gibbs: Coffee. 吉布斯:咖啡。
Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup. 凱特:好吧......我......只是去大廳和你再喝一杯。
Gibbs: That's...not coffee. 吉布斯:這不是咖啡。
[after Gibbs storms out] [後吉布斯暴出]
Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. 托尼:我從未經歷過吉布斯沒有他的早晨咖啡。 We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.在這裡我們在未知的水域,凱特。

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Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs. 蒂莫西·麥吉:我聽說過關於特別代理吉布斯的故事。
Tony: Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half. 托尼:只有一半是真實的......訣竅是找出其中一半。

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Kate: ....to replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case. 凱特:......來代替我,因為我剃光我的腿,不是我的臉是不合情理的,肯定的最佳利益的情況下不。
Gibbs: You claustrophobic? 吉布斯:您幽閉?
Kate: No. 凱特號
Gibbs: Good. [walks away] 吉布斯:好[走開]
Kate: I'm going?! 凱特:我要去!
Tony: Don't forget to wax. 托尼:不要忘了蠟。

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Gibbs: Go and un-hydrate. 吉布斯:圍棋和聯合國水合物。
Kate: I never heard it called that before. 凱特:我從來沒有聽說過,它要求之前。

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[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a house] [後DiNozzo拋出通過一個窗口,一塊石頭,非法獲得房子的入口處]
McGee: That's breaking and entering. 麥吉:這是打破和進入。
Tony: No. 托尼號 That was breaking...被打破... and this is entering.這是進入。

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Kate : [after an emergency blow to the surface aboard a submarine] Wow... 凱特 :[後表面一艘潛艇緊急上浮]哇......
Gibbs : Yeah, that's what they all tell me. 吉布斯 :是啊,這是什麼,他們都告訴我。

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Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly Abby's type. 托尼:聽著孩子,我不想傷害你的感情,但你不完全Abby的類型。
McGee: I've taken care of that. 麥吉:我已經採取了這種照顧。 Remember that urge you were talking about?記住,你談論的衝動?
Tony: [nods] 托尼:[ 點頭]
McGee: I went with Mom. 麥吉:我和媽媽一起去了。
Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to impress Abby] 托尼:[ 站在那裡的衝擊,實現麥吉剛得到他的屁股上紋身打動艾比]
[Later] [後來]
Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless? 凱特:我不知道他說的話讓托尼說不出話來呢?
Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass. 吉布斯:他告訴他,他得到了他的屁股上達。
Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered] 凱特:[Gapes 在電梯麥吉剛進入]
[ edit ] Minimum Security [1.8] [ 編輯 ] 最低安全 [1.8] Tony: Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to... 托尼:通常情況下,我恨優先乘坐,但誰在乎,如果它要...
Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides? 吉布斯:什麼是優先遊戲機的錯嗎?
Tony: C'mon boss. 貝來吧老闆。 You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?你告訴我你喜歡坐在挎著帆布座椅之間的貨物托盤上?
Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps. 吉布斯:是啊,這讓我覺得像我在兵團。
[Later] [後來]
Tony: [laughs, while on a Gulfstream Aircraft] I love priority rides. 托尼:[ 笑,而在Gulfstream灣流飛機]我愛優先乘坐。 Boss, this is the best.老闆,這是最好的。
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats. 吉布斯:我想念帆布座椅。

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Gibbs: Did I say both of you? 吉布斯:我說你們倆呢?
Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs. 凱特:好了,你沒有不說我們,吉布斯。
Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss. 托尼:是的,她還挺有道理的,老闆。

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Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. 艾比:香水是昂貴的,吉布斯。 I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit.我不能只掛在了梅西的測試托盤我的實驗室套件。 They frown on that sort of behavior.他們皺眉該行為。
[Later on in the investigation] [後來在調查]
Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear. 艾比:香水是最強大的一個女人可以穿的配件。
Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us? 吉布斯:多少錢這一切發電成本?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred. 艾比:大約有一千五百。
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred DOLLARS??? 吉布斯:1500美元?

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Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt! 托尼: 赤身露體, 鬣蜥爬進床與他有槍,繪製]停止!
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened] [凱特和吉布斯聽到他在房間裡趕,槍繪製,直到注意到發生了什麼]
Kate: [speechless] 凱特:[ 無言]
Gibbs: I need coffee. 吉布斯:我需要咖啡。

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Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it. 托尼:我覺得賽義德複製Paula的關鍵,沒有她知道它。
Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo? 吉布斯:現在的大腦思考,DiNozzo?
Tony: (visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack. 托尼:( 明顯與吉布斯生氣)我打機架。

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Abby: Something's wrong. 艾比:有什麼是錯的。 The files are too big.文件太大。
Ducky: [chuckles] Not just the files. 鴨子:[ 笑]不只是文件。

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Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush. 艾比:我的光標跨越將使托尼腮紅的地方移動。

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Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing? 吉布斯:為什麼女人總是要解決什麼並不需要固定?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside. 凱特:讓我們感到溫暖的。
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house. 吉布斯:那麼,蘇格蘭,但它不花你的房子。
[ edit ] Marine Down [1.9] [ 編輯 ] 海洋向下 [1.9] Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51 . 托尼:Gibbs'll得到英寸他有間隙,就會讓他看到51區在埋葬死者的外國人。
Kate: Because he probably killed them. 凱特:因為他可能將他們殺害。

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Kate: What's your clearance? 凱特:什麼是你的通關?
Tony: Confidential. 托尼:保密。
Kate: Confidential? 凱特:保密? What'd you do?你怎麼辦? Kill someone in high school?在高中,殺死人?
Tony: Hah. 托尼:哈。 Funny, Kate.滑稽,凱特。 They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.他們搞砸了我與他人代理的文書。
Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. 吉布斯:是啊,DiNozzo上個月在一場車禍中去世。 Very tragic.很可悲的。
Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back. 托尼:他們猛拉我的間隙,我現在必須採取物理的,把它找回來。
Kate: Why is that? 凱特:這是為什麼呢?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive. 托尼:為了證明我還活著。

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[At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target] [在射擊場吉布斯磁帶托尼的帽子,他的目標]
Tony: [protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. 托尼:[ 抗議]拜託啊,老闆。 I've been breaking that cap in for three months.我已經打破這一上限為三個月。 I love that cap.我喜歡這個帽子。
Kate: Then don't shoot it. 凱特:然後不要拍。
Gibbs: Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target] 吉布斯:這件事?[磁帶凱特的PDA她的目標]
Kate: [protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. 凱特:[ 抗議]啊,不,不,不,吉布斯。 Come on, my whole life is in that thing.來吧,我的整個生命是在那件事。
Gibbs: Then don't shoot it. [walks away] 吉布斯:那就不要拍[走開]
Kate: [to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion. 凱特:[ 貝]如果我們搞砸了,我有一個建議。
Tony: What? 托尼:是什麼?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire. 凱特:我們闖入Gibbs的地下室,並設置消防船。
Tony: That's cold, Kate. 托尼:這是寒冷的,凱特。 I knew there was a reason I liked you.我知道有一個原因,我喜歡你。
Gibbs: Fire. 吉布斯:消防。 Let's see how you do under pressure.讓我們來看看你在壓力下做的。
Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid. 托尼:我會帶來更輕的流體。
Kate: Deal. 凱特:新政。
[Later] [後來]
Abby: Very cool. 艾比:非常冷靜。 Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap]我在哪裡可以得到這些嗎?[欣賞托尼的彈孔纏身帽]
Tony: You can have that one. 托尼:你可以有。

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Tony: The eyes need to be bigger. 托尼:眼睛需要更大。
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger. 凱特:眼睛是罰款,鼻子需要就越大。
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio. 托尼:很好,我會拿出為木偶奇遇記建業。
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby. 吉布斯:歡迎來到我的世界裡,艾比。

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Kate: What does he want the LES for? 凱特:他想幹什麼的LES嗎?
Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101. 托尼:凱特,這是NCIS 101。
Kate: You have no idea. 凱特:你有沒有想法。
Tony: Not a clue. 托尼:沒有線索。

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Kate: Is he really sleeping or is that just an act? 凱特:他真的睡著了,或者是只是一種行為?
Tony: Oh, he's sleeping. 托尼:哦,他正在睡覺。
Kate: How can you tell? 凱特:你怎麼知道?
Tony: He looks peaceful. 托尼:他看上去是和平的。
[Later] [後來]
Gibbs: Morning. 吉布斯:早晨。 Sleep well?睡不好?
Kate: If you consider throwing up violently all night and being thrown around like a couple of rag dolls... 凱特:如果你認為猛烈投擲了所有晚上和幾個破布娃娃一樣被拋出......
Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. 托尼:是的,我們睡得很好,老闆。 Thanks for asking.感謝要求。
[ edit ] Left For Dead [1.10] [ 編輯 ] 離開死 [1.10] Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again? 托尼:睡著了工作再上你的船?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo? 吉布斯:為什麼你說,DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it. 托尼:老闆,我知道當我聽到它在農場報告。

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Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens. 艾比:所以我想你想我找到了什麼貞操帶打開。
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo? 吉布斯:我看起來像DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, boss. 托尼:不好笑,老闆。 Besides I can open a chastity belt.此外,我可以打開貞操帶。
Abby: Did you ever see one? 艾比:你有沒有看到? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.該礦的真棒,十八世紀的法國。
Tony: You have a chastity belt? 托尼:你有一個貞操帶?
Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby. 吉布斯:所以更多的信息比我需要了解艾比。

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Gibbs: Tests? 吉布斯:試驗? On a Navy ship?在海軍艦艇?
Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here? 托尼:如果我聽到有我海軍艦艇上的測試,您認為我們還是站在這裡嗎?
Gibbs: Oh, forgot. 吉布斯:哦,忘了。 Your minds work concurrently.同時你的思想工作。

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Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well. 托尼:你還記得當我住你的時間時,它並沒有真正去這麼好。
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo. 吉布斯:是啊,我記得,DiNozzo。
Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused. 托尼:哦,我是那麼年輕,不成熟,一點沒有重點。
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony. 吉布斯:這是半年前,托尼。

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Gibbs: [on cell phone] No you will not put her picture on TV. 吉布斯:[ 手機]不,你不會把她的照片在電視上。 I want whoever did this to think she's still dead.我想,誰做本想她還是死了。 No, Kate, no.不,凱特,沒有。 Our priority is finding the bomb. [closes phone] She's bonded.我們的首要任務是找到炸彈。[關閉手機]她的保稅。
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe? 托尼:Kate和Jane Doe的?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. 吉布斯:噢。 She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.她甚至還沒有質疑她了“,她的眼睛,他們只承認幫助”。
Tony: Love that look in a woman. 托尼:愛在看一個女人。

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Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead. 長官:蘇珊是不是死了,請告訴我。
Tony: Suzanne is not dead. 托尼:蘇珊是沒有死。
Executive: [stops typing] 執行: 停止打字]
Gibbs: Woops. 吉布斯:Woops。
Tony: Big woops. 托尼:大woops。

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Detective: You're telling me the suits from Hoover didn't save The Man? 偵探:你告訴我從胡佛的西裝沒有保存人嗎? [ referring to the President, as seen in "Yankee White" ] [ 指主席,在“白揚”]
Tony: Hell no it was NCI-us. 托尼:地獄沒有它是國家癌症研究所。
Detective: Not according to the TV reports. 偵探:不根據電視報導。
Tony: When do they get it right? 托尼:他們什麼時候得到它的權利呢?

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Tony: We gotta do something, boss. 托尼:我們必須做一些事情,老闆。
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony? 吉布斯:你有沒有犯了一個錯誤,托尼?
Tony: According to you or me? 托尼:根據你還是我?
Gibbs: You. 吉布斯:您
Tony: Yeah. 托尼:是的。
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better? 吉布斯:任何人都可以讓你感覺更好嗎?
Tony: No. 托尼號
[ edit ] Eye Spy [1.11] [ 編輯 ] 眼間諜 [1.11] Kate: [To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo] You OK? 凱特:[1 濕透,顯然凍結的冷DiNozzo你沒事吧? What is it?這是什麼?
Gibbs: (grinning) Shrinkage. 吉布斯:( 笑嘻嘻)收縮。

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Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. 托尼:我不知道你在說什麼,我不在乎你剛才說什麼,只是給我的號碼。 Why is there an asterisk?為什麼會出現一個星號?
McGee: Ummmm, not sure. 麥吉:Ummmm的,不知道。
Tony: [gives him a look] 托尼:[ 給他看看]
McGee: ...sir? 麥吉:......先生?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. 托尼:這是不是“添加先生”看看。 That was a "you better find out why" look.這是“你更好地了解為什麼”看。
McGee: Oh. 麥吉:哦。
Tony: 's alright. 托尼:“沒關係。 Rookie mistake.新手的錯誤。

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Kate: [sees Tony coming in Ducky's uniform] Oh my god. 凱特: 看到托尼在迷人的制服]哦我的上帝。
Tony: Don't even, okay. 托尼:甚至不,沒關係。
Kate: Did I say anything? 凱特:我說什麼?
Tony: You were. 托尼:你是。 I know you were.我知道你。
Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. 凱特:他們是一個觸摸小,但除此之外,它的罰款。 And the bonus - no belt.和獎金 - 沒有帶。
Tony: Hmmf! 托尼:Hmmf!

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Abby: You're on the air. 艾比:你是空氣。
Gibbs: Hey Abbs. 吉布斯:嘿ABBS。
Abby: Gibbs. 艾比:吉布斯。 How did we do with the moles?我們是怎麼做的痣呢?
Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks. 吉布斯:斯波克斯,艾比,間諜。
Abby: I can never get that straight. 艾比:我永遠不能說直。

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Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend? 吉布斯:你仍然在使用舊的觸摸美國宇航局男友?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day. 艾比:他不是一個男朋友,他是一個boytoy,沒錯,我們幾乎每天即時通訊 。
Gibbs: You do? 吉布斯:你知道嗎?
Abby: Oh yeah. 艾比:噢。
Gibbs: That's good, right? 吉布斯:那太好了,對不對?
Abby: It's very good. 艾比:這是非常好的。
[Later, during a video-conference call] [後來,在一個視頻電話會議]
Ashton (Boytoy): Greetings from NASA, NCIS. 阿什頓(Boytoy):來自美國宇航局,NCIS的問候。
Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek . 艾比:哇,阿什頓,是星際旅行 。
Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. 阿什頓:對不起,我遲到了。 I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas liftoff.我有一個集群冷凍反應堆冷卻劑阿特拉斯升空飛行路徑的標題。 I had to delay the launch.我不得不推遲發射。 They were not happy about it.他們並不感到高興。 I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.不過,我很高興見到你,阿比,並幫助您NCIS打擊犯罪的同事。
[In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange] [背景凱特和托尼交換驚訝看起來在這整個交流]


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Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed. 吉布斯:...和她打高爾夫球左手。
Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance? 凱特:哇,等待,你可以看到只是匆匆一瞥交給俱樂部留下?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed. 吉布斯:我的第二任妻子打高爾夫球左撇子。
Kate: So? 凱特:那又怎樣?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget. 托尼:當有人試圖分裂你的頭顱,用7號鐵,它不是一個俱樂部,你很快忘記。

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Kate: [referring to Tony refusing to answer a woman's calls] Talk to her. 凱特:[ 指托尼拒絕回答一個女人的電話,她交談。
Tony: She'll get the message. 托尼:她將獲得的消息。
Gibbs: [small smile and nod] 吉布斯:[ 小微笑和點頭??]
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? 凱特:你知道我敢打賭,這是為什麼數量兩年後你來到九鐵,是不是? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.你剛才拒絕坐下來商量。
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all. 吉布斯:其實,這不是它在所有。
Kate: So what was it, then? 凱特:因此,究竟是什麼,然後呢?
Gibbs: Seven iron. 吉布斯:7號鐵。
[ edit ] My Other Left Foot [1.12] [ 編輯 ] 我的其他左腳 [1.12] Gibbs: [to Tony and Kate] Got humpty dumpty back together again? 吉布斯:[] 得到 矮胖 托尼和凱特再聚首?

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Kate: Still no head or left leg. 凱特:仍然沒有頭部或左腿。
Abby: Did you check Hooterville ? 艾比:你檢查Hooterville了嗎?
Tony: Where's Hooterville? 托尼:Hooterville哪裡?
Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction , Green Acres . 艾比:你們襯裙連接點 , 綠色英畝 。 Hooterville. hooterville。
Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century. 托尼:我更喜歡從本世紀的電視節目。

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Kate: [about Gibbs] Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable. 凱特:[ 約吉布斯]三紅頭文件前妻顯示了他的判斷是有點懷疑。
Tony: None of them were murder suspects. 托尼:他們沒有殺人嫌疑人。 Although...雖然... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.我不知道誰選他,然後現在的紅頭髮。

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Receptionist: Can I help you? 接待員:我可以幫你嗎?
Tony: [pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. 托尼:[ 澆的魅力,我相信你能。 I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS.我特別代理安東尼DiNozzo,NCIS。 You can call me Tony.你可以叫我托尼。 We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, [leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.查默斯博士說,嗯,我們想談談,[傾斜讀她的名字標籤非常密切達琳。
Receptionist: [melting] Okay. 接待員:[ 融化]好吧。
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam? 凱特:你為什麼不給她的乳房檢查?
Tony: In good time. 托尼:在美好的時光。

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Tony: You really like small towns? 托尼:你真的很喜歡小城鎮?
Kate: Peace and quiet. 凱特:和平與安寧。 A place where people know you by name.一個地方,那裡的人知道你的名字。 No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.沒有Blockbuster和星巴克的每一個角落。 What's not to like?有什麼不一樣?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. 托尼:太安靜了,大家都知道你的名字,有沒有Blockbuster和星巴克的每一個角落。
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. 凱特:大城市只是不能給你的小城鎮,托尼。 It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.這是一個生活簡單的方法,美洲片。
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth. 托尼:不包括院子裡行第五十席北美印第安人與全套的牙齒或婦女。
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it? 凱特:是,它總是回來,不是嗎?
Tony: See... 托尼:見... You do get me.你不給我。

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Gibbs: What do you have? 吉布斯:你有什麼?
Tony: A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime... 托尼:一個6個字母的單詞,作案的一個原因......
Gibbs: DiNozzo... 吉布斯:DiNozzo ...
Tony: That's seven letters. 托尼:這七個字母。
Gibbs: Works for me. 吉布斯:我的作品。 What do you got?你什麼呢?
[ edit ] One Shot, One Kill [1.13] [ 編輯 ] 一炮,一殺 [1.13] Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell. 吉布斯:DiNozzo嘿,還挺讓我想起你的公寓,除了新鮮尿液的氣味,薄荷。
Tony: Hey for your information I have a maid now. 托尼:嘿您的信息,我現在有一個女僕。
Gibbs: You can afford a maid? 吉布斯:你能負擔得起女傭?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies. 托尼:它是驚人的你可以做什麼,當你不必須付三贍養費。

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Kate: [on Gibbs] You think his recruiter told him a fast one? 凱特:[ 吉布斯]你認為他的招聘人員告訴他,一快一?
Tony: I doubt it. 托尼:我對此表示懷疑。
Kate: Why? 凱特:為什麼?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it? 托尼:你能想像有人躺在吉布斯了嗎?

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Tony: This kid wanted to be a paramedic - Sgt. 托尼:這小子想成為一個合格的護理人員-軍士。 Alvarez told him the Marine Corps would "train him to save lives."阿爾瓦雷斯告訴他,海軍陸戰隊將“訓練他以拯救生命。”
Kate: What's wrong with that? 凱特:這有什麼錯嗎?
Gibbs: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel. 吉布斯:海軍陸戰隊沒有醫務人員。
Tony: They're all Navy. 托尼:他們都是海軍。
Gibbs: Technically it is true, Marines do save lives. 吉布斯:從技術上講,它是真實的,海軍陸戰隊員拯救生命。 Mostly through the use of superior firepower.主要是通過利用優勢火力。
[ edit ] The Good Samaritan [1.14] [ 編輯 ] 戈德薩馬里滕 [1.14] Gibbs: Anything Abby? 吉布斯:任何艾比?
Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. 艾比:這是關閉朱利葉斯指揮官的汽車左後輪輪胎。 Notice anything unusual?注意到有什麼異常嗎?
Gibbs: It's inflated. 吉布斯:它充氣。
Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this? 艾比:是猜測,或者你根本不知道我這?
Gibbs: What do you think? 吉布斯:你覺得呢?
Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you. 艾比:嗯,我不知道,這就是為什麼我問你。
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me? 吉布斯:你剛才為什麼不告訴我?
Abby: So you don't know. 艾比:所以你不知道。
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know. 吉布斯:我要確保你知道。
Abby: Hmmmm. 艾比:Hmmmm。
Gibbs: Hmmmm. 吉布斯:Hmmmm。
Abby: We should play poker sometime. 艾比:我們應該玩撲克一段時間。
Gibbs: Yeah, we should. 吉布斯:是的,我們應該。
[ edit ] Enigma [1.15] [ 編輯 ] 謎 [1.15] Kate: Do all Marines build boats? 凱特:所有海軍陸戰隊員建船嗎?
Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times. 托尼:只有那些已經結婚了幾次。
Kate: Why's that? 凱特:為什麼呢?
Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one. 托尼:其餘他們可以買得起一個。

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[Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching] 托尼,凱特和吉布斯正坐在對吉布斯索賠後,他看見炸彈在家裡,他們正在尋找他們的車在等待]
Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs? 托尼:你確定這是一個炸彈,吉布斯?
Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. 吉布斯:是的,DiNozzo。 For the last time...最後一次... I'm sure it was a bomb.我敢肯定,這是一個炸彈。
Tony: If you say so. 托尼:如果你這麼說。 EOD sure taking their sweet time getting here.排爆確保他們甜蜜的時間到達這裡。
[Van arrives with Ducky and Gerald] [凡與鴨子和杰拉爾德到達]
Ducky: Sorry we're late. 鴨子:對不起,我們遲到了。 Gerald got us lost several times.杰拉爾德了,我們失去了好幾次。
Gerald: Me? 杰拉德:我? You had the map.你有地圖。
Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky. 吉布斯:我們有我們自己的問題在這裡,迷人。
Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. 鴨子:是啊,我可以看到。 FBI take over our crime scene again?聯邦調查局接管我們的犯罪現場?
Kate : Gibbs thought he saw a bomb. 凱特 :吉布斯認為,他看到一個炸彈。
Gibbs: [annoyed] What do you mean 'thought'? 吉布斯:[ 煩惱]'想'是什麼意思?
Kate: Do I really have to say it? 凱特:我真的有說嗎?
Gibbs: Say what? 吉布斯說什麼?
Ducky: Yes, Kate. 鴨子:是的,凱特。 Say what?說什麼?
Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. 凱特:你需要眼鏡,吉布斯。 Are you happy?你快樂嗎?
[behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone exclaiming to the ground] [在他們身後,房子突然爆炸,地面發送的每個人都感嘆]
Gibbs: [slowly lifting his head] Sorry. 吉布斯: 慢慢抬起頭]很抱歉。 I didn't quite catch that last part...我沒有聽清,最後一部分...

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FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest. 聯邦調查局特工查爾斯:你是被逮捕。
Gibbs: For what? 吉布斯:為了什麼?
Charles: Pissing off the FBI. 查爾斯:蹲便器聯邦調查局。
Gibbs: Get used to it. 吉布斯:習慣它。

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Tony: Where the hell are you? 托尼:到底哪裡是你嗎? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest. fornell這裡為您的逮捕令。
Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then. 吉布斯:嗯,我不是有那麼好事。
[ edit ] Bete Noire [1.16] [ 編輯 ] BETE黑角 [1.16] Ducky: ( to Ari Haswari ) I look forward to weighing your liver. 鴨子:( 阿里Haswari)我期待著你的肝臟稱重。

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Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard. 阿里:你試圖欺騙我博士野鴨。
Ducky: That wasn't a condition. 鴨子:這是不是一個條件。
Ari: It is now. 阿里:現在是。

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Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get. 杰拉德:我從來沒有任何人可以睡在棺材裡可能有恐懼症,但艾比會得到它是一種淫事。
Ari: She slept in a coffin? 阿里:她睡在棺材裡?
Ducky: She's goth . 鴨子:她是哥特 。
[Ari shudders] [阿里顫抖]

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Tony: What's up Abbs? 托尼:什麼是ABBS?
Abby: Something's... 艾比:有什麼地方......
Tony: Hinky? 托尼:Hinky?

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Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy? 阿里:你如何進行傳染病屍檢時提醒遊客?
Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor. 鴨子:我們掛在走廊分解身體。

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Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene. 托尼:我需要的所有證據,我在今天上午簽署了夏琳。
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What? 證據秘書夏琳:什麼?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW! 托尼:我簽署。現在的證據!

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Ari : Any good with this gun, Caitlin? 阿里 :任何好這把槍,凱特琳?
Kate : Give it back and I'll demonstrate. 凱特 :給它回來,我將演示。
Ari : Ever fire it in anger? 阿里 :自從火在憤怒呢?
Kate : I'd love to right now. 凱特 :我很想現在。
[ edit ] The Truth Is Out There [1.17] [ 編輯 ] 真相就在那裡 [1.17] Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus . 艾比:車撞戈登肯定是1 金牛座 。
Gibbs: You're positive? 吉布斯:你是積極的嗎?
Abby: Absolutely... 艾比:絕對... unless it was a Mercury Sable .除非它是一個水星黑貂 。

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Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. 托尼:40英里的區域截至2英里,老闆。 Limit's 65...上限是65 ... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.我只提到它,因為你平時開車略高於更快的山谷Earnhardt,Jr

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Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville. 艾比:除非他在Dorkville長大的。
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there. 吉布斯:長大那裡西邊。

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Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon. 艾比:我給這個傢伙一旦誰只是想我彈起和氣球。
Gibbs: OK, stop. 吉布斯:“確定”,停止。

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Abby: I don't know. 艾比:我不知道。 Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out.你們有各種奇怪的儀式,才出去。 This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date just so he can be pumped.這樣的一個傢伙,他做他的日??期前幾秒鐘,因此他可以抽一個完整的上半身鍛煉。
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know? 吉布斯:托尼不知道你知道嗎?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know? 艾比:托尼不知道你知道嗎?

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Abby: Hey Gibbs. 艾比:嘿,吉布斯。 Do you have any fetishes?你有戀物癖?
Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. 吉布斯:我有三個前妻子。 I can't afford to have any fetishes.我不能有任何的偶像。

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Gibbs: That's apples and oranges. 吉布斯:這是蘋果和桔子。
Abby: [grins] There's a fetish for that, too. 艾比:[ 笑著]該有一個迷信,太。

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Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World , Simple Life , Punk'd ... 托尼:傢伙是真正感興趣的現實表明, 真實世界 , 簡單的生活 , Punk'd ...
Gibbs: Punk'd ? 吉布斯:Punk'd?
Kate: Geez, Gibbs. 凱特:吉茲,吉布斯。 Even I know what Punk'd is.即使我知道,Punk'd是什麼。
Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it. 托尼:這是他們發揮名人過關,而偷偷拍攝MTV的節目。
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera . 吉布斯: 偷拍鏡頭一樣。
Tony: What's Candid Camera ? 托尼: 偷拍鏡頭究竟是什麼?
[ edit ] UnSEALed [1.18] [ 編輯 ] 啟封 [1.18] Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one finger ahead. 艾比:這就是我愛你,吉布斯,總是提前一個手指。

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Abby: Stained glass. 艾比:彩繪玻璃。 That's very spiritual, Gibbs.這是非常精神,吉布斯。

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Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones ] Ladies and gentlemen. 托尼:[ 由於湯米·李·瓊斯 ]:女士們,先生們。 I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area.我想硬目標搜索的每一個加油站,住宅,倉庫,農舍,雞舍,狗窩和在該地區的廁所。 You got that?你明白了嗎? Good!好! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!立即關閉這些相機和出路!
McGee: Accent's still not right. 麥吉:口音還是不正確的。
Tony: Damn. 托尼:媽的。

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Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet. 吉布斯:他會去獸醫。
Kate: Tony's marking that territory. 凱特:托尼標誌著該領土。
Tony: Ha-ha. 托尼:哈-哈。 Cute.可愛。

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Tony: Houston. 托尼:休斯敦。 The cell phone has landed.手機已經登陸。

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Tony: She sleeps with a gun under her pillow, boss. 托尼:她睡她的枕頭下,老闆槍。
Gibbs: That true? 吉布斯:這是真的嗎?
Kate: Maybe... 凱特:也許...... sometimes...有時... yes.是。
Gibbs: Good girl! 吉布斯:好女孩!

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Kate: You were a boy scout? 凱特:你是一個童子軍?
Tony: Cub. 托尼:崽。
Kate: Ha. 凱特:哈。 What'd they kick you out for? what'd他們踢你了嗎?
Tony: Tryin' to score brownie points. 托尼:難以釋懷的得分加分。

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McGee: You're enjoying this, aren't you? 麥吉:你喜歡這個,你不是嗎?
Tony: Really a lot. 托尼:還真不少。
[ edit ] Dead Man Talking [1.19] [ 編輯 ] 死的人談 [1.19] Gibbs: [has his SIG-Sauer pointed at the head of Amanda Reed] His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. 吉布斯:[ 他的SIG-紹爾指著阿曼達里德頭,他的名字是特別代理克里斯Pacci。 And he was a friend.和他的朋友。

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Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky... 凱特:上超越hinky ...
Tony: Okay, Kate. 托尼:好了,凱特。 I can take it.我能接受。
Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy? 凱特:是什麼樣的,舌頭舔著一個人嗎?
Tony: [deep breath] I can't take it. 托尼:[ 深呼吸]我不能拿。
[ edit ] Missing [1.20] [ 編輯 ] 失? [1.20] Tony: Remember the good ol' days, Kate? 托尼:記住好醇'天,凱特?
Kate: What good old days? 凱特:什麼好日子?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers. 托尼:當吉布斯傾訴我們像對待我們同行。
Kate: (incredulously) No. 凱特:( 懷疑地)號
Tony: Good. 托尼:好。 I thought it was just me.我以為這只是我。

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Kate: Do we know how big his unit was? 凱特:我們知道他的單位是多大?
Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point. 艾比:我們可以問他,但大多數男人在我的經驗在於這一點。

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[Indistinct yelling.] [模糊大喊大叫。
Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive. 凱特:感謝上帝,托尼仍然活著。
[Gibbs gives her a questioning look.] [吉布斯給了她一個詢問一下。]

Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that? 凱特:你知道還有誰的誰尿尿這樣的人嗎?

[ edit ] Split Decision [1.21] [ 編輯 ] 分裂的決定 [1.21] Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you? 托尼:你沒有認真打算讓她拍我,是你嗎?
Gibbs: Nah. 吉布斯:NAH。
Tony: You had a plan, right? 托尼:你有一個計劃,對不對?
Gibbs : [unconvincingly] Yeah. 吉布斯 :[難以令人信服呀。

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Abby: Don't be silly, ATF lady. 艾比:不要傻了,ATF的夫人。

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Gibbs : [describing the watch he is putting on] It's a locator. 吉布斯 :[描述他把手錶]這是一個定位。 I won't activate it unless they move us.我不會激活它,除非他們感動我們。
Tony : [in a Sean Connery accent] Very James Bond - does it tell time, too? 托尼 : 在肖恩·康納利的口音]非常詹姆斯·邦德-它告訴時間,太?

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Tony: I really liked her. 托尼:我真的很喜歡她。
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like? 凱特:ATF的代理,參與非法武器和謀殺-什麼是不喜歡嗎?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. 托尼:法官,凱特這麼快。 Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.肯定她有缺陷,確保她進監獄,但我的直覺告訴我她有良好的素質以及。
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they? 凱特:其中兩個是不會發生的生活在她的襯衫,他們會嗎?
[ edit ] A Weak Link [1.22] [ 編輯 ] 一個薄弱環節 [1.22] Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account? 吉布斯:如果我想進入該帳戶?
Kate: (shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers. 凱特:( 聳聳肩)獲取服務器的搜查令。
Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. 吉布斯:我們沒有手令的時間。 What's a quicker way?一個更快的方法是什麼?
Kate: Hack into the servers. 凱特:哈克到服務器。
[Gibbs tilts a brow and smiles.] [吉布斯傾斜眉和微笑。]
Kate: Can't believe I just said that. 凱特:不相信我剛才說的。 I would have never suggested that before I started working here.我從來沒有建議,我才開始在這裡工作。
Gibbs: You're welcome. 吉布斯:不客氣 。
[ edit ] Reveille [1.23] [ 編輯 ] 起床號 [1.23] Gibbs: He stay at your place? 吉布斯:他留在你的地方嗎?
Abby: Yup. 艾比:是啊。
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee? 吉布斯:你睡在棺材裡,麥基?
McGee: Coffin? 麥吉:棺材? You said that it was a box sofa bed.你說這是一個盒子沙發床。
Abby: Well... 艾比:嗯... it is!它是! Sort of...排序......
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. 麥吉:那你為什麼不關燈。 I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.我不能相信,我只是睡在棺材。
Abby: ...Not just slept. 艾比:...不只是睡覺。

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John: John, Ag Department. 約翰:約翰,銀部。
Kate: Kate, NCIS. 凱特:凱特,NCIS。
John: Hi... 約翰:嗨... really?真的嗎?
Kate: Yes. 凱特:是的。 Why?為什麼呢?
John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month. 約翰:我從來沒有見過你,我是每月兩次在NCIS。
Kate: You are? 凱特:你是誰?
John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage. 約翰:是的,我專門在冰雹和暴風雨損壞。
Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with? 凱特:什麼NCIS你覺得我的嗎?
John: National Crop Insurance Service. 約翰:全國農業保險服務。
Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures. 吉布斯:這就是我們,她是一個對玉米的損失如何影響五花肉期貨WIZ。
Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor. [later, to Gibbs] "How corn losses affect pork belly futures?" 凱特:那是我的老闆-怪異的幽默感[後,吉布斯]“玉米損失如何影響五花肉期貨嗎?”。
Gibbs: Rule number seven: always be specific when you lie. 吉布斯:規則七:永遠是具體的,當你躺下。

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Tony : McGee said you wanted to see me. 托尼·麥吉說,你要見我。 Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.其實,他說我是被軟禁,但我只是你的一個點的方式。
Gibbs : Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? 吉布斯 :我有沒有槳來告訴你你了小河的名字嗎? Or how deep it is?或有多深?
Tony : Up to my knees? 托尼 :我的膝蓋?
Gibbs : I see you're familiar with this particular creek. 吉布斯 :我看到你熟悉這個特殊的小溪。
Tony: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case. 托尼:我很抱歉,我花了很長時間的午餐,老闆,但我不熱的情況下工作。
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? 吉布斯:什麼是熱的情況下,DiNozzo你嗎? Shadowing a tight ass?遮蔽嚴密的屁股嗎?
Tony: That's not fair, Boss. 托尼:這是不公平的,老闆。
Gibbs: War is not fair! 吉布斯:戰爭是不公平! And we are at war.和我們處於戰爭狀態。 Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7.直到我解僱你,這可能是現在任何時刻,你會打那場戰爭的24/7。 That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap.這包括吃飯,睡覺,採取了廢話。 Got that?明白了嗎?
Tony: Yes, Boss. 托尼:是的,老闆。 Can I say something?我能說什麼?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after! 吉布斯:只有當它有事情做我那個混蛋後!
Tony: It does. 托尼:它。
Gibbs: Then speak! 吉布斯:接著說!
Tony: Boss... 托尼:老大... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.你真的要見白鯨。

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Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy? 托尼:那麼,什麼是錯的,哈馬斯的傢伙呢?
Gibbs: The Hamas guy! 吉布斯:哈馬斯的傢伙! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass!你知道:恐怖,這個混蛋屁股! We call him everything but his name.我們打電話給他的一切,但他的名字。 You know why that is?你知道這是為什麼呢?
Tony: Because we don't know his name? 托尼:因為我們不知道他的名字嗎?
Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. 吉布斯:因為你不熱的情況下工作。 I want his name!我想他的名字! I want it today !我想今天 ! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!不要告訴我是白鯨!

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Kate: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him? 凱特:[ 關於恐怖分子開槍杰拉爾德和吉布斯]他為什麼給你一個朝他開槍?
Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. 吉布斯:他需要面對死亡,覺得活著。 Maybe, to feel anything.也許,什麼感覺。

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Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. fornell:董事要你的話,你會忘了阿里。 They think you'll blow his cover.他們認為你會吹他的蓋子。
Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. 吉布斯:如果我能得到回報,它不會被吹他的蓋子。 Why are you asking me this and not my director? 你為什麼要問我,這不是我的導演?
Fornell: He refused to. fornell:他拒絕。
Gibbs: [finally laughs] Yeah. 吉布斯:[ 終於笑呀。
[ edit ] Season Two [ 編輯 ] 第二季 [ edit ] See No Evil [2.1] [ 編輯 ] 罪惡 [2.1] Tony : Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? 托尼 :任何人,我的意思是任何人,知道空調時越來越固定嗎? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open?天才是誰發明的不開放的窗口的名稱是什麼? Like, what are we on - a space ship?喜歡什麼,我們就 - 太空飛船嗎? Windows should open! Windows應該打開!

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[McGee has been working on the NCIS computer network by himself, despite having no orders to do so.] [麥吉一直由他本人對NCIS計算機網絡工作,儘管這樣做有沒有訂單。]
Gibbs : You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you? 吉布斯 :你這樣的想法是要帶領你有什麼想法嗎?
Tony : Yeah, do you, McGee? 托尼 :是啊,你,麥基?
Gibbs : Promotion. 吉布斯 :促進。 You need any help, you ask Tony.你需要任何幫助,你問托尼。 It looks like he could use a workout.看起來他可以使用一個鍛煉。
[After Gibbs, and an irritated Tony leave] [吉布斯和惱火托尼休假後]
Kate : Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today. 凱特 :不要讓他恐嚇你,麥基,今天是我的工作。

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Gibbs : [smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! 吉布斯 :[手機砸在書桌上的上帝,我討厭這種事情! It's crap!這是廢話!
Kate : There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer. 凱特 :從五角大樓樓下有一個秘書,她聲稱,她的老闆,他的電腦人質被關押。
Gibbs : See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up. 吉布斯 : 擁有最多砸了手機還有一個原因,我不相信這些東西扔給它麥吉],重新啟動或東西[凱特]給她嗎?。
McGee : Reboot it? 麥吉 :重新啟動呢?
Kate : Or you can do what we always do. 凱特 :你可以做什麼,我們總是做。
[Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee] [托尼·拉一箱文件櫃的抽屜裡充滿了新的,未開封的手機遞給它麥吉]
Tony : It's his third one this month. 托尼 :這是他的第三個月份。
[Later on] [後來]
Abby : [as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! 艾比 :[她的電腦fizzles和崩潰 ! NO, NO, NO,...不,不,不,... My baby just french-fried!我的寶寶剛法式油炸!
McGee : System's over-heated. 麥吉 :系統過熱。
Gibbs : So reboot it. 吉布斯 :因此,重新啟動它。
Abby : Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting. 艾比 :不管你信不信,吉布斯,並非所有的電腦問題可以通過重新啟動來解決。
Gibbs : [brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me. 吉布斯 :[明亮,拿著手機對我的作品。

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Kate : McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you? 凱特 :麥吉,你不能告訴別人時,是跟你開玩笑嗎?
McGee : I used to and then I met you guys. 麥吉 :我用,然後我遇到了你們。

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Tony : Delivery complete. 托尼 :交貨完成。
Gibbs : That's good work, Tony. 吉布斯 :這是很好的工作,托尼。
Tony : Thanks, Boss. 托尼 :謝謝,老闆。 That means a lot.這意味著很多。
Gibbs : If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring. 吉布斯 :如果NCIS不起作用之後,我聽到一般極小的中國餐廳聘用。

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Abby : Face it, McGee. 艾比 :面對它,麥基。 We are doomed.我們是注定要失敗。
McGee : Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon! 麥吉 :吉布斯真的不能指望我們進入五角大樓的黑客在一個下午!
Abby : Yeah, he can. 艾比 :是啊,他能做到。
McGee : You're right, we are doomed. 麥吉 :你是正確的,我們是注定的。

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Gibbs : McGee, where are you going? 吉布斯 :麥吉,你去哪兒?
McGee : Uh, Norfolk. 麥吉 :嗯,諾福克。
Gibbs : Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. 吉布斯 :嗯,我得到了一些好消息和一些壞消息告訴你。 You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.你剛剛被提拔。信封麥吉的推廣一個全職的外地代理。
McGee : Really? 麥吉 :真的嗎? That's incredible!這是令人難以置信! What's- what's-
Gibbs : You belong to me now. 吉布斯 :你現在屬於我 。
[After he leaves] [後他離開]
Kate : Congratulations! 凱特 :恭喜!
Tony : Yeah, what she said. 托尼 :是啊,她說什麼。
McGee : So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? 麥吉 :所以,我一一我一個你們的,對不對? No more hazing?沒有更多的捉弄嗎?
Kate and Tony : Sure. 凱特和托尼 :當然
McGee : Well, II just want to say that I never took it personal and I-- 麥吉 :好吧,我只是想說,我從來沒有把它的個人和我-
[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee] [凱特和托尼·麥吉都頭一巴掌]
Tony : You know I could really get used to that. 托尼 :你知道我真的就習慣了。
[ edit ] The Good Wives Club [2.2] [ 編輯 ]好妻子俱樂部 [2.2] Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled. 托尼:讓我猜猜,你永遠不吸入。
McGee: I inhaled. 麥吉:我吸入。
Tony: Yeah? 托尼:是嗎?
McGee: Once. 麥吉:一次。 A little bit.一點點。
Tony: How was it? 托尼:怎麼樣?
McGee: Didn't like it. 麥吉:不喜歡它。
Kate: You didn't like it? 凱特:你不喜歡它呢?
McGee: No... 麥吉:第..
Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale. 托尼和凱特:他沒有吸入。

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Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress 吉布斯:把婚紗的人
Kate: Tony would look cute. 凱特:托尼會看起來很可愛。
Gibbs: No. 吉布斯:不可以。 He's off interviewing the victim's parents.他關閉採訪受害人的父母。
Kate: Well, McGee then. 凱特:好了,然後麥基。
Gibbs: No, he's with Tony. 吉布斯:不,他與托尼的。
Kate: Abby. 凱特:艾比。
Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests. 吉布斯:不,她在法醫檢驗TATS。
Kate: Well, what about you? [Gibbs looks at her] You won't have to wear the dress. 凱特:嗯,那你吉布斯看著她你不會有穿衣服嗎?
[ edit ] Vanished [2.3] [ 編輯 ] 消失 [2.3] [Watching Gibbs conduct an interrogation] [看吉布斯進行訊問]
Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex. 托尼:我認為吉布斯喜歡這個比性更多。
Kate: That would explain the three wives. 凱特:這可以解釋的三個妻子。
[ edit ] Lt. [ 編輯 ] 中將 Jane Doe [2.4] Jane Doe的 [2.4] (Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the DB.) (托尼酒保DB的圖片。)
Bartender: Such a sweet countenance. 酒保:這樣一個甜美的面容。
Tony: Sweet countenance? 托尼:甜美的面容?
Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face. 酒保:是啊,在她的臉上容光煥發的樣子。
Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead. 托尼:她並不顯得神采奕奕,她死了。
Bartender: In that picture? 調酒師:在圖片嗎?
Tony: Yeah, she's dead. 托尼:是啊,她死了。
Bartender: She's dead? 酒保:她死了嗎?
Tony: She's dead. 托尼:她死了。 Why do ya think her eyes are closed.為什麼雅覺得她的眼睛是閉著的。
Bartender: I thought she was meditating. 調酒師:我還以為她是沉思。

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Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance. 托尼:沒有到成年,完全作為一個熟練的lapdance表示歡迎。

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Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie. 鴨子:不同的生活,當死的發言,他們不撒謊。

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Bartender : Some man raped and murdered her!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her] 調酒師 :?有些人強姦並謀殺了她的托尼誰一直在她的擊球看起來]
Tony : It wasn't me! 托尼 :這是不是我!

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[ edit ] The Bone Yard [2.05] [ 編輯 ]骨場 [2.05] Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard? fornell:有人告訴你,你是一個難以忍受的私生子?
Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah. 吉布斯:[ 高興呀。

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FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass? 聯邦調查局Agent:你always一個智能ass?
Tony : Only to you boys from the Hoover building. 托尼 :只有你從胡佛建設的男孩。

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Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs. fornell:實現這聽起來有多難過,你是我的朋友,吉布斯最接近。

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[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.] [凱特和托尼去臥底假扮1沒用的情侶,親子鑑定。]
Kate: You writin' my name, right? 凱特:你以創作“我的名字,對不對?
Tony: What? 托尼:是什麼? I just wanna know if it's mine.我只是想知道這是否是地雷。 She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.她有點睡解決了很多,如果你知道我的意思。
Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed. 凱特:如果我這樣做,是因為他是在床上沒有任何好。
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin. 托尼:我沒有睡我的表弟。
Kate: You slept with my sista! 凱特:你睡我sista!
Tony: I thought it was you! 托尼:我還以為是你!
Kate: She weighs 300 pounds. 凱特:她重達300磅。
Tony: She was wearing your earrings. 托尼:她穿著你的耳環。
Receptionist: That's enough! 接待員:這就夠了! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.如果你們兩個不能是公務員,我不得不請你離開。
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? 凱特:你看,有任何地方我可以等待離他而去嗎? Please?好嗎? I'm beggin' you.我乞求你。
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right. 接待員:這裡有一個你後面兩個門右邊的空考場。
Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.] 凱特:[。 她甩在托尼離開她的牙齦]謝謝你
Tony: I'm sorry. 托尼:我很抱歉。 She slept with my brother.她哥哥一起睡。 And my best friend.和我最好的朋友。 At the same time.在同一時間。

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Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that. 凱特:哇,我還以為你是唯一一個誰可以小便像他。
Tony: You never met his second wife. 托尼:你從來沒見過他的第二任妻子。

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Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you. 吉米Napalitano:我就殺了你的兄弟,你的叔叔,你父親的葬禮後,我就殺了你。
Gibbs: No brothers. 吉布斯:沒有兄弟。 No uncles.沒有叔叔。 My father passed years ago.年前我的父親去世。 I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh!我有三個前妻的姓名和地址,我會很樂意傳真給你。“ 我們聽到吉米的聲音,掛了]咦! He hung up!他掛了!
[ edit ] Terminal Leave [2.6] [ 編輯 ] 航站樓離開 [2.6] Willy: Have you shot anybody? 威利:你開槍的人嗎?
Tony: Not this week. 托尼:這個星期。

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Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. 托尼:我想對於這一點,老闆雙倍加班費。 That kid's a nightmare.那小子是一場噩夢。
Gibbs: He reminds me of you. 吉布斯:他讓我想起你。

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Jimmy: Yeah. 吉米:是的。 When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out.當我還是個孩子,我用埋葬我們的門廊下,直到我媽媽發現了我們的寵物。 She was pretty upset.她非常不高興。
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets? 鴨子:他們不想讓你埋葬你的寵物嗎?
Palmer: No. 帕爾默:不可以。 We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.我們住在公寓大樓的十樓。

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Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now. 艾比:( 嘗試吉布斯技術解釋後,放棄)機械製造漂亮的照片。

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[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her.] [凱特抓住托尼門通過聽仁的房間,她的父母罵她。

Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?! 凱特:( 耳語)你在做什麼?!
Tony: Uh... 托尼:呃...... listening.聽。
Kate: That is just wrong. 凱特:那是絕對錯誤的。
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. 托尼:誰在尋找“基地”組織暗殺, 這是錯誤的,凱特與武裝的聯邦特工填補了房子偷偷潛入你的角質男友。 Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.我,我只是想收集一些有價值的英特爾這樣我就可以把工作做得更好。
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.] 他們都點頭,然後把自己的耳朵在門上。]
[ edit ] Call of Silence [2.7] [ 編輯 ] 沉默的呼喚 [2.7] Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. 吉布斯:來吧,下士。 Let a Gunny buy you dinner.讓1 麻袋買你一起吃晚飯。
Ernie Yost: You... 厄尼·約斯特:你... you were never an officer?你從來沒有官員?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no! 吉布斯:啊,該死的!
Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you. 約斯特:我知道有一些關於你我很喜歡。

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Yost : [to Tony] What do you know? 約斯特 :托尼]你知道嗎? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!你甚至沒有一線老漢的眼睛!

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Yost : It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. 約斯特 :這不是一個水冷卻器,它被稱為傳言。 How long you been in the Corps?多久你一直在兵團?
Tony : Since I met Gibbs. 托尼 :因為我遇到了吉布斯。

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Yost: You conned me, Gunny. 約斯特:你騙我,麻袋。
Gibbs: Nah. 吉布斯:NAH。 Would I do that to you?我會這樣對你嗎?
Yost: You're damn right you would. 約斯特:你該死的權利,你會。 And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima ? ,我要感謝你。吉田]你從未硫磺島 ?
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no. 的Hiroshi Yoshida:硫磺島,沒有。
Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh... 約斯特:[ 搖手指在吉布斯啊......
Yoshida: Guadalcanal . 吉田: 瓜達爾卡納爾島 。
[ edit ] Heart Break [2.8] [ 編輯 ] 心碎 [2.8] Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC. 艾比:所以,我聽到你不是一個特困風扇。
Gibbs: Is that a band? 吉布斯:這是一個樂隊嗎?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion. 艾比:自發性人類燃燒。
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs. 吉布斯:不要浪費我的時間,ABBS。
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer. 艾比:如果你看過我的碩士論文,你可能會成為一個信徒。
Gibbs: Doubt it... 吉布斯:懷疑它......
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman. 艾比:我可以告訴你是240磅的女人留下的照片。
Gibbs: Yeah? 吉布斯:是啊? I bet you won't.我敢打賭,你不會的。
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. 艾比:她坐在椅子上。 All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes.所有剩下的座椅彈簧,背部骨部分,一隻腳仍然在緞子拖鞋,和10磅的骨灰被熏黑。 The rest of her apartment was untouched.她的公寓的其餘不變。

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Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor. 托尼:你知道,我想成為一名醫生。
Kate: Really? 凱特:真的嗎? You, a doctor?你,是醫生嗎?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, MD 托尼:安東尼DiNozzo,逗號,MD
Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist? 凱特:[ 笑]讓我猜,婦科醫生嗎?
Tony: Oooh... 托尼:哦 ... no.沒有。 I was thinking more dermatologist.我想更多的皮膚科醫生。 Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency.正常工作時間,一擲千金,從不緊急。 I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.我的意思是,從來沒有人從青春痘死亡。
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid. 麥吉:我有痤瘡的一個可怕的情況下,作為一個孩子。
Tony: Of course you did, Probie. 托尼:當然,你做了,Probie。

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Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander. 帕爾默:[ 屍體]我要鎖定你的夜晚,指揮官。
Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! 艾比:[ 在一個低沉的聲音 ! Don't put me back in the dark!不要把我在黑暗中!
[Palmer jumps back] [帕爾默跳回]
Palmer: Abby! 帕爾默:阿比! You made me almost...你讓我幾乎...
Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy? 艾比:[ 微笑]我讓你幾乎什麼......在一個低沉的聲音]吉米??
[ edit ] Forced Entry [2.9] [ 編輯 ] 強行進入 [2.9] Abby : Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. 艾比 :傑里米·戴維森無犯罪記錄,吉布斯。 He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles.他是一個平民,他有沒有軍隊的關係,他的版畫不匹配任何開放casefiles。 The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket.男孩甚至不超速罰單。 I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean.我的意思是,我們談論的乾淨清潔。 Whiter than white.白比白人。 You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.你可以把他的陣容與雪,雪去坐牢。
Gibbs : Or it just means he's never been caught. 吉布斯 :它只是意味著他從來沒有被抓到。
Abby : [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught. 艾比 :[無可奈何]它只是意味著他從來沒有抓到。

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Abby : [referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. 艾比 :[指幻想在線網站]我做了一些試驗和勞拉·羅文的屏幕名稱,HomeAlone325,傑里米·戴維森,NiceGuy653錯誤。 Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?關心猜測迷信,他們有共同的,凱特?
Kate : No, no. 凱特 :不,沒有。 I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.我要去地獄只是聽著這一切。
[ edit ] Chained [2.10] [ 編輯 ] 連鎖 [2.10] Tony: Kate, Kate? 托尼:凱特,凱特?
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate? 摩托車騎手:誰是凱特?
Tony: My dog. 托尼:我的狗。 She must have run away after the crash.她必須撞車後逃跑。
Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like? 摩托車騎手:她是什麼樣子?
Tony: A Shih-Tzu . 托尼:一個石字 。
Motorcycle Rider: A what? 摩托車騎手:一個什麼?
Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy? 托尼:長長的棕色頭髮,還挺mangy的?

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[Kate screams.] [凱特的尖叫聲。]
Abby: Is something wrong? 艾比:這是什麼問題嗎?
Kate: Gibbs is driving. 凱特:吉布斯駕駛。
Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages. 艾比:我派遣多國語言的祈禱。

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Gibbs: Abs, do you have him? 吉布斯:ABS,你有他嗎?
Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that? 艾比:[ 如意]你認真問我嗎?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt. 吉布斯:[ 面無表情 ,我叫調情。

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[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC] [麥吉說MTAC國務院副秘書長]
Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me? 副國務卿:究竟是什麼代理吉布斯告訴你對我說嗎?
McGee: He told me to tell you... 麥吉:他告訴我要告訴你...... stick it.堅持下去。
Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...? 副國務卿:你告訴我......?
McGee: Stick it! 麥吉:堅持下去! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.謝謝你,國務卿女士,我們的談話到此結束。
[He signals to cut off the connection. [他的信號,切斷連接。 The MTAC staff break into applause.] 把掌聲MTAC人員休息。]

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McGee: Boss, I told her. 麥吉:老闆,我告訴她。 The Deputy Secretary of State.國務院副秘書長。
Gibbs: Yeah. 吉布斯:是啊。 Did it work?它的工作了嗎?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director. 麥吉:嗯,她提交了一份正式的投訴主任。
Gibbs: McGee... 吉布斯:麥吉... Good job.好工作。

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Tony : You can't drown in a stream, Jeffery. 托尼 :你不能淹沒在流,杰弗瑞。 You can get wet, you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!您可以弄濕了,你可以得到frickin“凍結,但你不能淹沒!
[ edit ] Black Water [2.11] [ 編輯 ] 黑色的水 [2.11] Ducky: Do you suspect foul play? 鴨子:你懷疑犯規嗎?
Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky. 吉布斯:嗯,你知道我,鴨子。 I suspect everything.我懷疑一切。
Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. 鴨子:是的,這是一個研究者的令人欽佩的特質。 And also, I suspect, the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.並且,我懷疑,原因你的三次婚姻以離婚告終。
Gibbs: Really? 吉布斯:真的嗎? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.而這一切的時候,我還以為是因為我是一個私生子。

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Gibbs : DiNozzo! 吉布斯 :DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.搶齒輪,如果麥吉還活著。
Tony : On it, boss! 托尼 :老闆!
[ edit ] Doppelganger [2.12] [ 編輯 ] 分身 [2.12] Abby: [yelling] What?! 艾比:[ 叫嚷什麼 ?
Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear] Yikes, Abby. 吉布斯:[ 拉的電話,從他的耳朵,看起來它,把它帶回他的耳朵]哎呀,艾比。 What did McGee do now?什麼麥吉現在做嗎?
Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth. 艾比:在他的大小12口,把他的大小為10鞋。

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McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek? 麥吉:你希望你是一個電腦怪胎?
Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie. 托尼:我寧願比你是無家可歸者,Probie。

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Gibbs: You, blood spatters! 吉布斯:你,鮮血飛濺!
Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho... 艾比:( 掛頭洗牌)喲?升沈何...

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McGee : You just ruled out both suspects. 麥吉 :你只要排除了兩個犯罪嫌疑人。
Abby : No, I didn't. 艾比 :不,我不知道。 I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.我只是證明有人抽煙拉馬斯在石溪公園。
[McGee dials Gibbs. [麥吉撥打吉布斯。 Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. 切成吉布斯與卡倫。 He picks up the phone.] 他拿起電話。]
Gibbs : Gibbs. 吉布斯 :吉布斯。
McGee : Boss. 麥吉 :老闆。 I don't know if this is important, but-我不知道如果這是很重要的,但
Gibbs : McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life. 吉布斯 :麥吉,這是最重要的手機打電話給你讓你的生活。
[McGee tries to hand the phone to Abby, she dives out of the way.] [麥吉試圖交出手機艾比,她潛水的方式。]

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Niles : Wow, I'm amazed you found that. 奈爾斯 :哇,我很驚訝,你會發現。
McGee : Actually, I didn't. 麥吉 :其實,我沒有。 Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.我們的法醫科學家,艾比Scuito了。
Niles : Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot. 奈爾斯 :哇,Scuito,她必須是熱。
[...] [...]
Gibbs : He wanted us to look for a body. 吉布斯 :他想尋找一個機構。
McGee : We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail. 麥吉 :我們仍然會如果艾比沒有找到hinky的的血跡。
Niles : Man, I got to meet this woman. 奈爾斯 :伙計,我得到了滿足這個女人。
McGee : She's probably not your type. 麥吉 :她可能不是你的類型。 Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...刺青,穿環,暗化妝...
Niles : She Goth? 奈爾斯 :她哥特?
McGee : Uh-huh. 麥吉 :嗯。
Niles : I love Goth. 奈爾斯 :我喜歡哥特。

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Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. 艾比:沒有人在第一時間得到一切,麥基。 Except Gibbs.除吉布斯。

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Abby : It's more addictive than pistachios. 艾比 :這是超過開心果上癮。
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee] 從吉布斯和麥吉奇時裝展示]
Abby : Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio? 艾比 :嗯,你永遠只是吃了一根開心果?
[ edit ] The Meat Puzzle [2.13] [ 編輯 ]肉之謎 [2.13] Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger? 凱特:吉布斯,什麼鴨子看起來像他年輕的時候?
Gibbs: [ grinning ] Ilya Kuryakin. 吉布斯:[ 笑嘻嘻 ]伊利亞Kuryakin。
[NB When he was younger, David McCallum (Ducky) played the role of Soviet secret agent Ilya Kuryakin in the TV series The Man from UNCLE ] [注:當他年輕的時候, 大衛·麥卡勒姆 (鴨子)在電視連續劇中發揮作用蘇聯秘密特工伊利亞·Kuryakin 從文叔 ]

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Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either "I'm gonna slit your throat" or "kiss your moat." 托尼:“親吻你的護城河” 指鴨子的年邁的母親,她對我說的最後一句話是,無論是“我要割破你的喉嚨”或 I couldn't tell 'cause she was slurring.我不能說,因為她是口齒不清。

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Tony: Tony DiNozzo. 托尼:托尼DiNozzo。 Italian, gigolo, furniture mover.意大利,舞男,家具先行者。

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Gibbs : The homicide detective, that completes the team. 吉布斯 :兇殺案偵探,完成團隊。
Ducky : You're forgetting the medical examiner. 鴨子 :你忘了法醫。
Jimmy : Oh, that's you! 吉米 :哦,那就是你!

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Ducky : Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. 鴨子 :媽媽,這是凱特琳[鴨子的母親吐出凱特母親 ,我們討論這個問題的。 She is here to protect us!她是在這裡,以保護我們!
Mrs. Mallard : Show me your knickers. 馬拉德太太 :告訴我你的短褲。
Kate : Ma'am? 凱特 :夫人?
Mrs. Mallard : Underwear, missy! 夫人野鴨 :內衣,大小姐! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.我總是告訴她的內褲,女人的意圖。
Tony : It's always been my philosophy. 托尼 :這一直是我的哲學。

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Kate : You're relieved, Tony. 凱特 :你放心,托尼。
Tony : Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough. 托尼 :哦,謝謝你指著狗]這是伯爵夫人,她喜歡粗糙。

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Mrs. Mallard : [eyeing Tony suspiciously] I have a knife in my brassiere. 馬拉德太太 :[虎視眈眈的托尼可疑]我有一把刀在我的胸罩。
[ edit ] Witness [2.14] [ 編輯 ] 證人 [2.14] Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist. 艾比:我喜歡看牙醫。
Kate: What could you possibly enjoy? 凱特:什麼,你可能享受呢?
Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate. 艾比:有點痛,是一件好事,凱特。

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Gibbs: What did the urine tell you, Abby? 吉布斯:什麼尿液告訴你,艾比?
Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk. 艾比:哦各種東西,我們有一個很好的談話。

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Gibbs: [About Tony] You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results. 吉布斯:[ 關於托尼]你可能不欣賞他的方法,但你得愛的結果。

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McGee: What do you got, Abs? 麥吉:你什麼,ABS?
Abby: [to Gibbs] Do I have to answer the newbie? 艾比:[ 吉布斯]我一定要回答的新手?
Gibbs: Humor him. 吉布斯:幽默他。

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Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box. 艾比:在框中有可卡因的痕跡。
McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs. 麥吉:托尼,他正在處理藥物。
Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money. 艾比:也許不是,是微觀的痕跡,所以它可能是隱藏的錢。
[McGee looks confused.] [麥吉看起來很困惑。
Abby: He calls himself a federal agent. 艾比:他自稱是一個聯邦代理。
Gibbs: US money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine. 吉布斯:美國的貨幣供應量是可卡因的痕跡污染。
McGee: I thought that was an urban myth. 麥吉:我認為這是一個城市的神話。
Abby: Give me a bill. 艾比:給我一個法案。
McGee: Huh? 麥吉:咦?
Abby: Give me a bill! 艾比:一項法案,給我!
[McGee hands her a bill.] [麥吉交給她的一項法案。
Gibbs: A hundred? 吉布斯:一百年?
McGee: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency. 麥吉:是啊,我喜歡被任何緊急情況的準備。
Abby: You are such a boy scout. 艾比:你是這樣的童子軍。
[Abby rubs bill on paper.] [艾比磨紙條例草案。]
Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. 艾比:錢是因為墨水從來沒有真正烘乾的受體。 One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others.一個法案,用於snort的可卡因,然後通過ATM成千上萬的人離開分鐘毒品的痕跡。 Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.四是污染出在流通票據到一個可以檢測藥物犬的水平。
[Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill.] [艾比追溯到工作,不給該法案。]
McGee: Um, Abs? 麥吉:嗯,ABS?
Abby: Yeah? 艾比:是嗎?
McGee: Forgetting something? 麥吉:忘了什麼東西?
Abby: No. 艾比:不可以。

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[Tony and Kate are having a food fight] [托尼和凱特有食物的鬥爭]
Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas. 吉布斯:任何食物在這裡打架,我加入豌豆英寸的。
Kate: Frozen peas? 凱特:速凍豌豆?
Gibbs: Nope. 吉布斯:NOPE的。 In the can.中即可。
[ edit ] Caught on Tape [2.15] [ 編輯 ] 磁帶捕獲 [2.15] Tony : At least I don't hang out with married people. 托尼 :至少我不掛結婚的人了。
Kate: [to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be friends? 凱特:[ 阿比]請你告訴他,一個男人和一個女人可以成為朋友嗎?
Abby: Absolutely they can. 艾比:他們絕對可以。
Tony: Without having sex? 托尼:不做愛嗎?
Abby: Oh no, they'll have sex. 艾比:哦,不,他們就會有性行為。
Kate: Abby?! 凱特:艾比?
Abby: What? 艾比:什麼? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?來吧,凱特,沒有你曾經同睡一個朋友嗎?
Kate: [upset] What is wrong with you people? 凱特:[ 生氣]你的人有什麼錯嗎?
Gibbs: [steps in] Good question, Kate. 吉布斯:好問題,凱特在步驟。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abby : [reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." 艾比 :[讀取磁帶上的人的嘴唇]:“我們必須......” something.東西。 "We have to - blank - him." “我們必須 - 空白 - 他。”
McGee : Kill? 麥吉 :殺?
Kate : Murder? 凱特 :謀殺?
Tony : Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. 托尼 :愛[吉布斯摑他]嗷。 I really wish you'd stop doing that!我真的希望你停止這樣做!
Gibbs : I will, Tony! 吉布斯 :我會的,托尼! When you stop "blanking" up!當你停止“消隱”了!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McGee: [referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how do I look? 麥吉:[。 指的是他的臉一半的毒藤覆蓋,因此,誠實如何我看嗎?
Abby: Um... 艾比:嗯...... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh...你想知道真相,或者你要我騙你,呃...... ease the burden of your own self-loathing?緩解自己的自我厭惡的負擔?
McGee: I'd prefer the lie. 麥吉:我寧願謊言。
Abby: Me, too. 艾比:我也一樣。 You're the fairest in the land, McGee.你是在土地,麥基最公平的。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony: I'll take it. 托尼:我會接受它。 I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to bite him.]我一直想要一隻狗[狗咆哮,並試圖咬他。]
Kate: Good dog. 凱特:好狗。 I think I'll call you Tony.我想我會打電話給你托尼。
Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate. 吉布斯:這是一個母狗,凱特。
Kate: I know. 凱特:我知道。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game... 托尼:看來我們要發揮吉布斯最喜歡的遊戲......
Abby: Ooo! 艾比:噢噢! Musical interrogation rooms!音樂審訊室!
[ edit ] Pop Life [2.16] [ 編輯 ] 流行生活 [2.16] Abby : We'll figure it out together, Jimmy. 艾比 :我們會找出它一起出去,吉米。
Jimmy : Oh please, call me Jimmy 吉米 :哦,拜託,叫我麥
Abby : I just did. 艾比 :我只是做了。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McGee : (walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing? 麥吉 :(走在艾比和帕爾默超粘在一起)帕爾默,你到底在幹什麼?
Abby : You know, you didn't have to yell at him. 艾比 :你知道,你沒有罵他。 Jimmy is terrified of you now.吉米現在你害怕。
McGee : He is? 麥吉 :他是誰? Cool.爽。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ducky : The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal. 鴨子 :刀錯過了她的重要器官,這樣的傷口,在其本身,是不是致命的。
Gibbs : She didn't bleed to death. 吉布斯 :她沒有流血過多死亡。
Ducky : Exactly. 鴨子 :沒錯。 Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.她的身體中四升血液,所以也沒有放血。
Gibbs : Ducky... 吉布斯 :鴨子...
Ducky : I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on... 鴨子 :我很抱歉,這是這樣一個可愛的字,放血,我不能說(笑緊張吉布斯只是看著他。)移動...。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony : Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here. 托尼 :星星腳趾,糖果褲,後面你媽媽留在這兒。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony : I knew this girl once. 托尼 :我知道這個女孩一次。 She squeaked.她尖叫。 She made this little squeaking...她這個小吱吱......
Kate : Tony! 凱特 :托尼! You want to tell Ducky that story?你要告訴鴨子的故事嗎?
Gibbs : He's heard it. 吉布斯 :他聽到了。 We all have.我們每個人都有。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay : Who are you? 周杰倫 :你是誰?
Tony : Same as Kate. 托尼 :凱特相同。 Well not exactly.以及不完全相同。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony : (focusing on strippers behind) How's that? 托尼 :(重點放在背後脫衣舞)是如何形成的呢?
Abby : Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face. 艾比 :那麼它的藝術,但我們還挺需要她的臉的鏡頭。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony : Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should... 托尼 :老闆,我不知道,如果你想看到這個,但你也許應該...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony : (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... 托尼 :(見證)看,總有你對每個女人都記得,你會記得在20年的時間... something small and subtle...小和微妙的東西... a piece of jewelry, a laugh...一件首飾,笑了...... a smell.一種氣味。
Kate : Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad. 凱特 :啊,我覺得像我已經死了,醒來在Calvin Klein的廣告。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ducky : (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. 鴨子 :(凱特和托尼),我們需要考慮得更深一些。 There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering.顯然是有一個潛在的同級競爭,在這裡,表示你的青春期性收費的爭吵。 It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!這一切都源於一個絕望的願望,請了父親的身影,我想大家都知道那是誰!
Kate : What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich? 凱特 :我已經做了我的鮪魚三明治嗎?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kate : We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations. 凱特 :我們需要一個中間人的鴨子,我要到員工關係。
Tony : Which would be tattling! 托尼 :將被閒聊的!
Kate : No, Employee Relations is not tattling! 凱特 :不,員工關係是不是閒聊的!
Tony : It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy. 托尼 :這是我告訴木乃伊成人版。
Kate : You're so juvenile! 凱特 :你這樣的少年!
Tony : Am not. 托尼 :我不是。
Kate : Are so! 凱特 :是這樣!
Tony : Am not! 托尼 :我不!
Kate : We need an unofficial mediator Ducky. 凱特 :我們需要非官方調停迷人的。
Ducky : Well, did you try Gibbs? 鴨子 :好,你有沒有嘗試吉布斯?
Kate : Ugh... 凱特 :呃...
Ducky : Good point. 鴨子 :好點。
Kate : We thought of McGee. 凱特 :我們認為麥吉。
Tony : But, we have no respect for him. 托尼 :但是,我們有沒有對他的尊重。
Kate : And then we thought of you! 凱特 :然後,我們想你!
Ducky : I see, third on the short list. 鴨子 :我看到,在入圍名單的三分之一。 Well, at least I beat out Abby.嗯,至少我擊敗了阿比。
Tony : Well, we just came from there. 托尼 :好了,我們剛剛從那裡來。
Kate : She turned us down. 凱特 :她拒絕了我們。
Ducky : Oh. 鴨子 :哦。

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony : I didn't think you would notice! 托尼 :我沒想到你會發現!
Kate : Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices! 凱特 :哦,偷菜是好的,如果沒有人通知!
Tony : It wasn't stealing, it was sharing. 托尼 :這不是偷,它是共享。
Kate : It was my lunch! 凱特 :這是我的午餐! .................



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JAG Pilot EpisodesNOTE: Before being launched as its own series, NCIS was
featured as a two part episode in Season 8 of the Series JAG

Ice QueenDucky: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I
autopsied once.
Gibbs: [looking at the body] When'd she die?
Ducky: Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years
ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them
in flagrante delicto--
Gibbs: [interrupting] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?



Gibbs: Cause of death?
Ducky: Well, it wasn't the arrow.



Tony: [refering to the Caf Pow] Is that number 2 or 3 today?
Abby: If you must know, it's number 4.
Tony: [holds up evidence bag] I brought you a present.
Abby: [smiles] And you wonder why you're still single.



Tony: You redecorating?
Abby: I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit.
Tony: You take these?
Abby: Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5.
Tony: Shotgun-shattered backbone?
Abby: Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a
cerebellum.
Tony: [grimaces, then looks at another picture] Duodenum?
Abby: Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". It's a sad end of
a Drano drinker.
Tony: You need to get out more, Abby.
Abby: Is that an invite?



Abby: [lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car] Let your fingers do the
talking. [to Tony] Why'd they tow it?
Tony: It was abandoned in a lot at Great Falls. Any of those finger prints big
enough to be a man's?
Abby: Yep. Whoever was riding shotgun.
Tony: How fast can you run 'em?
Abby: Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner...
Tony: Get me an ID in two, and I'll make it Cafe Alantico.
Abby: Sweet.



[Vivian is reading Rabb his rights]
Rabb: I know my Article 31 rights, and I waive them.
[she continues reading them]
Rabb: I said I waive them.
Gibbs: She used to be FBI.
[edit] MeltdownRabb: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable
doubt.
Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and
a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you
and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.
Rabb: Well, it could be worse, I guess.
Coleman: How?
Rabb: I could not have an alibi.
Coleman: [in annoyance] You have an alibi?
Rabb: No.



[Ducky is telling his findings in court]
Major McBurney: What else did you discover?
Ducky: On her left buttock, I found a tattoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic.
Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it: on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires
who died of dehydration. I was on sabbatical at the ti--
McBurney: [interrupts] Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.
Ducky: She wasn't in Buenos Aires...



Coleman: Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an
accidental fall?
Ducky: [very seriously] Well the railing is very high. It's quite unlikely.
Unless the LT's unconscious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've
heard--
Coleman: [cutting him off] Thank you Doctor.



[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat]
Abby: If the hat does fit, you can't acquit.
[both lawyers give Abby a funny look]
Abby: Oh, come on; one of you would have said it if you had thought of it
first.



Vivian: I'm sorry, I almost blew it.
Gibbs: [disapprovingly] Almost?
Tony: I still like you.
[edit] Season 1[edit] Yankee White [1.1]Note: Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began
the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service. A navy
officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in
Charge. Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in
the second episode joined NCIS.



Gibbs: We're LEO's.
TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Gibbs: Are you... new at this, Dennis?
Dennis: First week! [checks their papers] N-C-I-S. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: [to Tony] Now that's embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS? That anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.



Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us
the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ... thumbs up.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent
Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.
Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team. But just because I don't want
to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.



Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my
crime scene sketches. Thanks.
Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D?
You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements.
Thanks.
[Later]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit
of wishful thinking?
Tony: You think?



Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.



Gibbs: Rule Number One: Never let suspects stay together.
Gibbs: Rule Number Two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?



Abby: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?
Tony: I'll wait.
Abby: There's a futon under the desk.
Tony: Bless you.
Abby: What are you, my priest?
Tony: Curse you?



Gibbs: [to Todd] You mind if I tag along? Please?
Abby: Wow, Gibbs said please!



Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss?
Ducky: I did rather.
[edit] Hung Out To Dry [1.2]Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the
rest of the chutes?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby: Definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Kate: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.



Tony: Why didn't you take this fast to me, Abby?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony, it takes awhile for the throbbing to stop
and for the skin to grow back.
Tony: Well, that's more than I wanted to know.



Abby: Sulfuric Acid. That'd chew the shine off a trailer hitch.
Kate: How'd you get into this?
Abby: I filled out an application.
[Later]
Kate: How'd you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.



Tony: What's your chute number?
Marine: Four.
Tony: Four's unlucky in China.
Gibbs: We're not in China.



Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: Always wanted to jump. Gibbs came along to laugh.



Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not! Hate to pass up an
opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.



Gibbs: Come on, lets get you boots, you can't do field work in heels.
Tony: Depends what kind of field work!



Kate: DiNozzo, your mind goes from X to XXX.
Tony: Yeh...



Tony: Wow! In that outfit, you could be NCIS cover girl.
[edit] Seadog [1.3]Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below!
Gibbs: Sixty feet below.



Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over
large numbers of $100 bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for you?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery you will never find out.
Tony: But, I know the answer.... Grant.



Tony: [about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists] You do
not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney.
If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you
understand these rights you don't have?



Abby: [while watching video of a terrorists van] Are we submitting to the
Sundance Film Festival?
Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.
Abby: Sweet.



Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?
Gerald: What?
Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.



Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.
[edit] The Immortals [1.4]Tony: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto
Rico.
Kate: Been there a lot?
Tony: [excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end] No that's just it,
I've never been there... I mean I'm so wanting to go. Ever since I was a kid I
was just...so wanting...sorry...I just always...
Gibbs: [deadpan] Wanted to be there.
Tony: Yeah.



Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet
clothes.
Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?



Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting
ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... Neither does Tony.



Kate: So they pretty much hate us.
Tony: Noooooooooo........... Pretty much.



Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto
Rico?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat??
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with
character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?
[edit] The Curse [1.5]Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch.
Kate: RIO?
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in
back.
Kate: [to Gibbs] What do you need two B's for?
Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.



Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.



Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it.
Kate: TFOA?
Tony: Things falling off aircraft.
Kate: You're kidding.
Gibbs: Nope. Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to
biplanes.



Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that
case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his
neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did
he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your
third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember
the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.



Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!
Ducky: Oh, Abby, please...
Abby: Sorry.



Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?'
[edit] High Seas [1.6]Gibbs's voicemail: Gibbs. Talk.



Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait
jacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.



Kate: This...isn't the deck 5 berthing compartment, is it?
Sailor: (while standing at a urinal) No ma'am this is the men's head on deck
6.



Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.



Ducky: [to Gerald after reenacting a death] You're supposed to be dead.



Kate: All I'm saying is that... things on the surface are not always the same
as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you
know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.



Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there’s
such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.
[edit] Sub Rosa [1.7]


Kate: [after she spills Gibbs' coffee] What do you put in your coffee?
Gibbs: Coffee.
Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup.
Gibbs: That's...not coffee.
[after Gibbs storms out]
Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in
uncharted waters here, Kate.



Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half.



Kate: ....to replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is
unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.
Gibbs: You claustrophobic?
Kate: No.
Gibbs: Good. [walks away]
Kate: I'm going?!
Tony: Don't forget to wax.



Gibbs: Go and un-hydrate.
Kate: I never heard it called that before.



[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a
house]
McGee: That's breaking and entering.
Tony: No. That was breaking... and this is entering.



Kate: [after an emergency blow to the surface aboard a submarine] Wow...
Gibbs: Yeah, that's what they all tell me.



Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly
Abby's type.
McGee: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge you were talking about?
Tony: [nods]
McGee: I went with Mom.
Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to
impress Abby]
[Later]
Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?
Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.
Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered]
[edit] Minimum Security [1.8]Tony: Normally I hate priority rides, but who
cares if it's going to...
Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung
between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.
[Later]
Tony: [laughs, while on a Gulfstream Aircraft] I love priority rides. Boss,
this is the best.
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.



Gibbs: Did I say both of you?
Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.
Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.



Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester
tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
[Later on in the investigation]
Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred DOLLARS???



Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn]
Halt!
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what
happened]
Kate: [speechless]
Gibbs: I need coffee.



Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it.
Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?
Tony: (visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack.



Abby: Something's wrong. The files are too big.
Ducky: [chuckles] Not just the files.



Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.



Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.
[edit] Marine Down [1.9]Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let
him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Kate: Because he probably killed them.



Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.
Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it
back.
Kate: Why is that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.



[At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target]
Tony: [protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three
months. I love that cap.
Kate: Then don't shoot it.
Gibbs: Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target]
Kate: [protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.
Gibbs: Then don't shoot it. [walks away]
Kate: [to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Gibbs: Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.
Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid.
Kate: Deal.
[Later]
Abby: Very cool. Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole
ridden cap]
Tony: You can have that one.



Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.



Kate: What does he want the LES for?
Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea.
Tony: Not a clue.



Kate: Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?
Tony: Oh, he's sleeping.
Kate: How can you tell?
Tony: He looks peaceful.
[Later]
Gibbs: Morning. Sleep well?
Kate: If you consider throwing up violently all night and being thrown around
like a couple of rag dolls...
Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.
[edit] Left For Dead [1.10]Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.



Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.
Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.
Tony: You have a chastity belt?
Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.



Gibbs: Tests? On a Navy ship?
Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still
be standing here?
Gibbs: Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.



Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go
so well.
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.



Gibbs: [on cell phone] No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever
did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the
bomb. [closes phone] She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just
pleaded for help'.
Tony: Love that look in a woman.



Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: [stops typing]
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.



Detective: You're telling me the suits from Hoover didn't save The Man?
[referring to the President, as seen in "Yankee White"]
Tony: Hell no it was N-C-I-us.
Detective: Not according to the TV reports.
Tony: When do they get it right?



Tony: We gotta do something, boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: No.
[edit] Eye Spy [1.11]Kate: [To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold
DiNozzo] You OK? What is it?
Gibbs: (grinning) Shrinkage.



Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just
give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?
McGee: Ummmm, not sure.
Tony: [gives him a look]
McGee: ...sir?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why"
look.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: 's alright. Rookie mistake.



Kate: [sees Tony coming in Ducky's uniform] Oh my god.
Tony: Don't even, okay.
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.
Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus -
no belt.
Tony: Hmmf!



Abby: You're on the air.
Gibbs: Hey Abbs.
Abby: Gibbs. How did we do with the moles?
Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks.
Abby: I can never get that straight.



Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.
[Later, during a video-conference call]
Ashton (Boytoy): Greetings from NASA, NCIS.
Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.
Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for
the flight path of an Atlas liftoff. I had to delay the launch. They were not
happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your
NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.
[In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange]



Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed.
Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a
passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a
club you soon forget.



Kate: [referring to Tony refusing to answer a woman's calls] Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: [small smile and nod]
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron,
isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.
[edit] My Other Left Foot [1.12]Gibbs: [to Tony and Kate] Got humpty dumpty
back together again?



Kate: Still no head or left leg.
Abby: Did you check Hooterville?
Tony: Where's Hooterville?
Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.
Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.



Kate: [about Gibbs] Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little
questionable.
Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the
redhead who picks him up now and then.



Receptionist: Can I help you?
Tony: [pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony
DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh,
[leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.
Receptionist: [melting] Okay.
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Tony: In good time.



Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster
and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and
Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a
simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women
with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.



Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime...
Gibbs: DiNozzo...
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What do you got?
[edit] One Shot, One Kill [1.13]Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your
apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: Hey for your information I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.



Kate: [on Gibbs] You think his recruiter told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Kate: Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?



Tony: This kid wanted to be a paramedic - Sgt. Alvarez told him the Marine
Corps would "train him to save lives."
Kate: What's wrong with that?
Gibbs: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel.
Tony: They're all Navy.
Gibbs: Technically it is true, Marines do save lives. Mostly through the use
of superior firepower.
[edit] The Good Samaritan [1.14]Gibbs: Anything Abby?
Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything
unusual?
Gibbs: It's inflated.
Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
Gibbs: What do you think?
Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
Abby: So you don't know.
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.
Abby: Hmmmm.
Gibbs: Hmmmm.
Abby: We should play poker sometime.
Gibbs: Yeah, we should.
[edit] Enigma [1.15]Kate: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one.



[Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs
claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching]
Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. For the last time... I'm sure it was a bomb.
Tony: If you say so. EOD sure taking their sweet time getting here.
[Van arrives with Ducky and Gerald]
Ducky: Sorry we're late. Gerald got us lost several times.
Gerald: Me? You had the map.
Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky.
Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. FBI take over our crime scene again?
Kate: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Gibbs: [annoyed] What do you mean 'thought'?
Kate: Do I really have to say it?
Gibbs: Say what?
Ducky: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?
[behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone exclaiming to the
ground]
Gibbs: [slowly lifting his head] Sorry. I didn't quite catch that last part...



FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest.
Gibbs: For what?
Charles: Pissing off the FBI.
Gibbs: Get used to it.



Tony: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.
Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then.
[edit] Bete Noire [1.16]Ducky: (to Ari Haswari) I look forward to weighing
your liver.



Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.
Ducky: That wasn't a condition.
Ari: It is now.



Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia
but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.
Ari: She slept in a coffin?
Ducky: She's goth.
[Ari shudders]



Tony: What's up Abbs?
Abby: Something's...
Tony: Hinky?



Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy?
Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor.



Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!



Ari: Any good with this gun, Caitlin?
Kate: Give it back and I'll demonstrate.
Ari: Ever fire it in anger?
Kate: I'd love to right now.
[edit] The Truth Is Out There [1.17]Abby: The car that hit Gordon was
definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.



Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it
because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.



Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.



Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a
balloon.
Gibbs: OK, stop.



Abby: I don't know. Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out.
This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date
just so he can be pumped.
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know?



Abby: Hey Gibbs. Do you have any fetishes?
Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. I can't afford to have any fetishes.



Gibbs: That's apples and oranges.
Abby: [grins] There's a fetish for that, too.



Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World, Simple Life,
Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly
filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.
Tony: What's Candid Camera?
[edit] UnSEALed [1.18]Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one
finger ahead.



Abby: Stained glass. That's very spiritual, Gibbs.



Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search
of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and
outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get
out of the way!
McGee: Accent's still not right.
Tony: Damn.



Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet.
Kate: Tony's marking that territory.
Tony: Ha-ha. Cute.



Tony: Houston. The cell phone has landed.



Tony: She sleeps with a gun under her pillow, boss.
Gibbs: That true?
Kate: Maybe... sometimes... yes.
Gibbs: Good girl!



Kate: You were a boy scout?
Tony: Cub.
Kate: Ha. What'd they kick you out for?
Tony: Tryin' to score brownie points.



McGee: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Tony: Really a lot.
[edit] Dead Man Talking [1.19]Gibbs: [has his SIG-Sauer pointed at the head of
Amanda Reed] His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.



Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky...
Tony: Okay, Kate. I can take it.
Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy?
Tony: [deep breath] I can't take it.
[edit] Missing [1.20]Tony: Remember the good ol' days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.
Kate: (incredulously) No.
Tony: Good. I thought it was just me.



Kate: Do we know how big his unit was?
Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point.



[Indistinct yelling.]
Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive.
[Gibbs gives her a questioning look.]

Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that?

[edit] Split Decision [1.21]Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot
me, were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: [unconvincingly] Yeah.



Abby: Don't be silly, ATF lady.



Gibbs: [describing the watch he is putting on] It's a locator. I won't
activate it unless they move us.
Tony: [in a Sean Connery accent] Very James Bond - does it tell time, too?



Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison,
but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?
[edit] A Weak Link [1.22]Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?
Kate: (shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers.
Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?
Kate: Hack into the servers.
[Gibbs tilts a brow and smiles.]
Kate: Can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before
I started working here.
Gibbs: You're welcome.
[edit] Reveille [1.23]Gibbs: He stay at your place?
Abby: Yup.
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee?
McGee: Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.
Abby: Well... it is! Sort of...
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just
slept in a coffin.
Abby: ...Not just slept.



John: John, Ag Department.
Kate: Kate, NCIS.
John: Hi... really?
Kate: Yes. Why?
John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.
Kate: You are?
John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.
Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with?
John: National Crop Insurance Service.
Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.
Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor. [later, to Gibbs] "How corn
losses affect pork belly futures?"
Gibbs: Rule number seven: always be specific when you lie.



Tony: McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house
arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.
Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle?
Or how deep it is?
Tony: Up to my knees?
Gibbs: I see you're familiar with this particular creek.
Tony: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
Tony: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be
any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping,
taking a crap. Got that?
Tony: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
Tony: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
Tony: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.



Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?
Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call
him everything but his name. You know why that is?
Tony: Because we don't know his name?
Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it
today! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!



Kate: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you
a shot at him?
Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.



Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think
you'll blow his cover.
Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are you asking
me this and not my director?
Fornell: He refused to.
Gibbs: [finally laughs] Yeah.
[edit] Season Two[edit] See No Evil [2.1]Tony: Anyone, and I mean anyone, know
when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius
who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on - a space ship?
Windows should open!



[McGee has been working on the NCIS computer network by himself, despite
having no orders to do so.]
Gibbs: You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?
Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use
a workout.
[After Gibbs, and an irritated Tony leave]
Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today.



Gibbs: [smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!
Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss
is being held hostage by his computer.
Gibbs: See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these
things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send
her up.
McGee: Reboot it?
Kate: Or you can do what we always do.
[Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened
phones and hands it to McGee]
Tony: It's his third one this month.
[Later on]
Abby: [as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just
french-fried!
McGee: System's over-heated.
Gibbs: So reboot it.
Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by
rebooting.
Gibbs: [brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.



Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?
McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.



Tony: Delivery complete.
Gibbs: That's good work, Tony.
Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.
Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is
hiring.



Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.
McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single
afternoon!
Abby: Yeah, he can.
McGee: You're right, we are doomed.



Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been
promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field
agent.
McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's-
Gibbs: You belong to me now.
[After he leaves]
Kate: Congratulations!
Tony: Yeah, what she said.
McGee: So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?
Kate and Tony: Sure.
McGee: Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--
[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]
Tony: You know I could really get used to that.
[edit] The Good Wives Club [2.2]Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled.
McGee: I inhaled.
Tony: Yeah?
McGee: Once. A little bit.
Tony: How was it?
McGee: Didn't like it.
Kate: You didn't like it?
McGee: No...
Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale.



Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress
Kate: Tony would look cute.
Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.
Kate: Well, McGee then.
Gibbs: No, he's with Tony.
Kate: Abby.
Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests.
Kate: Well, what about you? [Gibbs looks at her] You won't have to wear the
dress.
[edit] Vanished [2.3][Watching Gibbs conduct an interrogation]
Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.
Kate: That would explain the three wives.
[edit] Lt. Jane Doe [2.4](Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the DB.)
Bartender: Such a sweet countenance.
Tony: Sweet countenance?
Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face.
Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.
Bartender: In that picture?
Tony: Yeah, she's dead.
Bartender: She's dead?
Tony: She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.
Bartender: I thought she was meditating.



Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.



Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.



Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her!? [looks at Tony who has been
hitting on her]
Tony: It wasn't me!



[edit] The Bone Yard [2.05]Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an
insufferable bastard?
Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.



FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass?
Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building.



Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a
friend, Gibbs.



[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity
test.]
Kate: You writin' my name, right?
Tony: What? I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot, if
you know what I mean.
Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings.
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin'
you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]
Tony: I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same
time.



Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.
Tony: You never met his second wife.



Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after
the funerals I'll kill you.
Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three
ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the
sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!
[edit] Terminal Leave [2.6]Willy: Have you shot anybody?
Tony: Not this week.



Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.



Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my
mom found out. She was pretty upset.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.



Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine
making pretty pictures now.



[Kate catches Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell
at her.]
Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?!
Tony: Uh... listening.
Kate: That is just wrong.
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal
agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me,
I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]
[edit] Call of Silence [2.7]Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you
dinner.
Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no!
Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.



Yost: [to Tony] What do you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's
eye!



Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in
the Corps?
Tony: Since I met Gibbs.



Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to
Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.
Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...
Yoshida: Guadalcanal.
[edit] Heart Break [2.8]Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Gibbs: Is that a band?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Gibbs: Doubt it...
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat
springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten
pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.



Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Kate: Really? You, a doctor?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks,
never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Tony: Of course you did, Probie.



Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night,
Commander.
Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...
Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?
[edit] Forced Entry [2.9]Abby: Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs.
He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any
open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're
talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup
with snow, snow is going to jail.
Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.



Abby: [referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error
with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's,
NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?
Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.
[edit] Chained [2.10]Tony: Kate, Kate?
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.
Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?
Tony: A Shih-Tzu.
Motorcycle Rider: A what?
Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?



[Kate screams.]
Abby: Is something wrong?
Kate: Gibbs is driving.
Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.



Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.



[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC]
Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to
me?
McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.
Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?
McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now
over.
[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]



McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee... Good job.



Tony: You can't drown in a stream, Jeffery. You can get wet, you can get
frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!
[edit] Black Water [2.11]Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?
Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky. I suspect everything.
Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I
suspect, the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
Gibbs: Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.



Gibbs: DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.
Tony: On it, boss!
[edit] Doppelgänger [2.12]Abby: [yelling] What?!
Gibbs: [pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear]
Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?
Abby: Put his size 10 shoe in his size 12 mouth.



McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek?
Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.



Gibbs: You, blood spatters!
Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho...



McGee: You just ruled out both suspects.
Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.
[McGee dials Gibbs. Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the
phone.]
Gibbs: Gibbs.
McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but-
Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your
life.
[McGee tries to hand the phone to Abby, she dives out of the way.]



Niles: Wow, I'm amazed you found that.
McGee: Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.
Niles: Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.
[...]
Gibbs: He wanted us to look for a body.
McGee: We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.
Niles: Man, I got to meet this woman.
McGee: She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...
Niles: She Goth?
McGee: Uh-huh.
Niles: I love Goth.



Abby: Nobody gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.



Abby: It's more addictive than pistachios.
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?
[edit] The Meat Puzzle [2.13]Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was
younger?
Gibbs: [grinning] Ilya Kuryakin.
[N.B. When he was younger, David McCallum (Ducky) played the role of Soviet
secret agent Ilya Kuryakin in the TV series The Man from U.N.C.L.E.]



Tony: [referring to Ducky's elderly mother] Her last words to me were either
"I'm gonna slit your throat" or "kiss your moat." I couldn't tell 'cause she
was slurring.



Tony: Tony DiNozzo. Italian, gigolo, furniture mover.



Gibbs: The homicide detective, that completes the team.
Ducky: You're forgetting the medical examiner.
Jimmy: Oh, that's you!



Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we
talked about this. She is here to protect us!
Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers.
Kate: Ma'am?
Mrs. Mallard: Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her
panties.
Tony: It's always been my philosophy.



Kate: You're relieved, Tony.
Tony: Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it
rough.



Mrs. Mallard: [eyeing Tony suspiciously] I have a knife in my brassiere.
[edit] Witness [2.14]Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist.
Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?
Abby: A little pain is a good thing, Kate.



Gibbs: What did the urine tell you, Abby?
Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.



Gibbs: [About Tony] You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the
results.



McGee: What do you got, Abs?
Abby: [to Gibbs] Do I have to answer the newbie?
Gibbs: Humor him.



Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box.
McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.
Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding
money.
[McGee looks confused.]
Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.
Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.
McGee: I thought that was an urban myth.
Abby: Give me a bill.
McGee: Huh?
Abby: Give me a bill!
[McGee hands her a bill.]
Gibbs: A hundred?
McGee: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency.
Abby: You are such a boy scout.
[Abby rubs bill on paper.]
Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill
used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the
drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are
contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.
[Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill.]
McGee: Um, Abs?
Abby: Yeah?
McGee: Forgetting something?
Abby: No.



[Tony and Kate are having a food fight]
Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.
Kate: Frozen peas?
Gibbs: Nope. In the can.
[edit] Caught on Tape [2.15]Tony: At least I don't hang out with married
people.
Kate: [to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be
friends?
Abby: Absolutely they can.
Tony: Without having sex?
Abby: Oh no, they'll have sex.
Kate: Abby?!
Abby: What? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?
Kate: [upset] What is wrong with you people?
Gibbs: [steps in] Good question, Kate.



Abby: [reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have
to - blank - him."
McGee: Kill?
Kate: Murder?
Tony: Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!
Gibbs: I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!



McGee: [referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how
do I look?
Abby: Um... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh...
ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
McGee: I'd prefer the lie.
Abby: Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.



Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to
bite him.]
Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.
Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.
Kate: I know.



Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...
Abby: Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!
[edit] Pop Life [2.16]Abby: We'll figure it out together, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh please, call me Jimmy
Abby: I just did.



McGee: (walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the
hell are you doing?
Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.
McGee: He is? Cool.



Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was
not fatal.
Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death.
Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no
exsanguination.
Gibbs: Ducky...
Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying
it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...



Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.



Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...
Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?
Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.



Jay: Who are you?
Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.



Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?
Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.



Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...



Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every
woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and
subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.
Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad.



Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a
latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and
sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a
father figure, and I think we all know who that is!
Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?



Kate: We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee
Relations.
Tony: Which would be tattling!
Kate: No, Employee Relations is not tattling!
Tony: It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.
Kate: You're so juvenile!
Tony: Am not.
Kate: Are so!
Tony: Am not!
Kate: We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.
Ducky: Well, did you try Gibbs?
Kate: Ugh...
Ducky: Good point.
Kate: We thought of McGee.
Tony: But, we have no respect for him.
Kate: And then we thought of you!
Ducky: I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.
Tony: Well, we just came from there.
Kate: She turned us down.
Ducky: Oh.



Tony: I didn't think you would notice!
Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!
Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.
Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!
Tony: See you just said it was sharing!
Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.
Tony: That was before Kate got here.



Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.
Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and
gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.
McGee: I used to work at a bank.
Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.



Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.



Gibbs: (to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.
Tony: I hate it when that happens...



Gibbs: I need the condoms tested.
Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...



Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?



Gibbs: Paranoid.
Tony: Sounds like someone I know.



Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs
off of McGee's head)



Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right. [edit]



(Tony watching a singer/dancer at the club, nodding his head up and down with
the music)
Gibbs: Tony stop jumping up and down. We can't see.



Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.
Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.



Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will
be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)
Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.



Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Almost.
Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.
Tony: Done.



Gibbs: DiNozzo!
(Tony is snoring)
Kate: I'll wake him up.
Gibbs: No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is
now awake)
Kate: Bad dream, DiNozzo?!
Tony: I... wha... uh... wha...
[edit] An Eye for an Eye [2.17]Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook
instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline
Kate?
Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.
Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!
McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor
'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink
with his pupils?'



Kate: Gibbs will get over it
McGee: When?
Kate: Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to
him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.



Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email, Special Agent Gibbs, and to tell you the
truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?



[After Abby fails to detect where Gibbs is hiding after sneaking into her lab]
Abby: You are getting sneakier the older you get!
Gibbs: Not to mention better-looking.
[edit] Bikini Wax [2.18]Kate: Look all I am trying to say is that it is very
unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid
for his shirt.
Tony: That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the
late 70's.
Gibbs: [entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?
McGee: Yeah.
Gibbs: Call Ducky.
McGee: Got it.
Tony: Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons
case I gave you?
Gibbs: No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was
having a sale.



Kate: Give him 5 seconds.
McGee: Until what?
Kate: Until he notices there's a ...
Tony: Bikini contest?!



Jimmy: Something wrong, doctor?
Ducky: Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Oh, right.



Gibbs: What about his prints?
Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach
restroom. They didn't jive.
McGee: Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?
Abby: [nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just
like "screw it".



Gibbs: [to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you
hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.
Tony: Thank you, boss.
[edit] Conspiracy Theory [2.19]Gibbs: [tosses keys to Tony] You're driving,
Sex Machine.



[Tony emails Kate an old picture of her winning a wet t-shirt contest.]
Kate: Where did you get this?!
Tony: Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama
City last month.
Kate: Oh, my God...
Tony: Yeah, I was going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to tell
everyone my pledge name!
Kate: You wouldn't dare!
Tony: Oh?



Gibbs: Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing
[gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]
McGee: Goat rope?
Tony: Marine term, Probie.
Kate: It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.
McGee: Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?
Kate/Tony: You are!



Abby: Correct as always, my silver-haired fox - I mean, Gibbs, sir, boss.



Abby: See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]
Gibbs: Yes.
Abby: I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.
Gibbs: Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?
Abby: That would be really nice, but it's not my point.



McGee: So what's the plan? Good cop/bad cop?
Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.
McGee: Which one is which?
Kate: You'll have to ask their ex-wives to find out.
[edit] Red Cell [2.20]Gibbs: You tell Abby I want her.
Abby [entering the room from behind him] Oh Gibbs, I never knew!



Kate: I hate to say it, but that was actually smart, Tony.
Gibbs: What was, Kate?
Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.
Gibbs: It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?



McGee: What kind of interrogation technique is that?
Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.



Tony: Hey, turn that frown upside down, sweetie... we're going back to
college!
Kate: Your problem, Tony, is you never left.



McGee: Is Gibbs still mad at me?
Tony: About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer?
Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these
things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?
Kate: He's going to kill you.



Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?
Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it.
Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn
hacker! [walks out the room]
Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?
Palmer: He sounded pretty upset.
Tony: No. [smiles] He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.



Abby: You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to
realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.
Kate: Oh, I'm looking at one right now.
Tony: Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think
it's an experience that...
Kate: I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.
Abby: [Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!
[edit] Hometown Hero [2.21]Tony: [while attempting to guess what McGee's first
car was, McGee starts to reply] If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come
over there and smack you.
[edit] SWAK [2.22]Gibbs: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.
Kate: Never had a cold?
Gibbs: Nope! Never had the flu either.
Kate: Why do I believe that?
Tony [sotto voice]: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?



Kate: Tony, Please, we're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until
we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't
tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?
Tony: Deal.
Kate: Thank you.



[In the showers.]
Tony: Who would send me a letter with anthrax?
Kate: Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.
Tony: That's not funny, Kate.
Kate: Yeah, I know.
Tony: This is serious.
Kate: I know, Tony! I'm sorry.
Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit,
my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!
McGee: You know, it might not be anthrax.
Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!
McGee: It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...
Tony: Probie!
McGee: ...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...
Tony: Honeydust!
McGee: "Honeydust"?
Tony: Honeydust. I give it to girls.
[Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.]
Tony: Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very
sensuous. You apply it with a feather.
Kate: [chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?
McGee: I never heard of honeydust.
Kate: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.
Gibbs: It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like
honey.
[Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look in horror/amazement
at Gibbs']
Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your
bottle of Jack and you got their...
[Tony is cut off by Kate]
Kate: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?
McGee: Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam
facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.
Tony: The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?
McGee: They do.
Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm.
Tony: Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!
Gibbs: Unless the post office screwed up again.



Tony: So, tell me doc. What have I got?
Dr. Pitt: [sighs] Pneumonic Plague.
Tony: Plague? [chuckles] Plague..
Kate: That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a
disease from the Dark Ages.
Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.
Kate: You opened it!
Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're
lying... [realizes]
Kate: Yeah. That's right,Travolta. I'm infected too.
Tony: [sincere] Oh Kate, I'm sorry.
Kate: Well you're going to be sorrier.
Tony: [all serious] No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.



[Gibbs slaps Tony]
Tony: If I get anthrax, how will you feel?
Gibbs: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.



Gibbs: The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!
Abby: You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her
lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my
birthday party?
McGee: Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...
[Gibbs smacks McGee.]
Abby: I saw that!
Gibbs: Work, or you'll feel it!
Abby: Not while you're down there!
Gibbs: What?!
[edit] Twilight [2.23][Gibbs brings Tony back to the office, who had been
recovering from y.pestis, and is puzzled by Kate and McGee ignoring him]
Tony: [watches the team gear up for a call-out, still ignored, and
disconcerted] Maybe I did die.
Gibbs: [stands next to him] You feel that?
Tony: [glances at Gibbs] What?
[Gibbs headslaps him as Tony winces and gives him a dumbfounded look]
Gibbs: [smiles] You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.



Kate: Damn it Tony I should just take you home and just get you into bed...
[Ducky and Tony look at each other and then back to Kate]



Gibbs: Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us
again.
Tony:' [to a concerned Abby] I'm sure he didn't mean that.
[Later]
Tony: So someone really is trying to kill us?!



Gibbs: He's not looking for a terrorist cell. He's running it!



Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.
DiNozzo: What should I tell him?
Gibbs: Tell him he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life!
[Later]
Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the
first?
Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
Fornell: You could have warned me!
Gibbs: I did!



McGee: Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?
Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.
McGee: Looking forward to what?
Tony: To finally getting to kill him.



Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.
Tony: You did good.
Gibbs: For once DiNozzo's right
Kate: [stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...
[Suddenly, a single gunshot bullet emerges from nowhere, slicing through the
air before hitting Kate in the forehead and she falls to the ground, dead. Her
blood sprays onto DiNozzo's face, and Gibbs then begins looking for the
shooter)
Ari Haswari: [on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle]
Sorry, Caitlin...
[Camera then shows Kate lying on the rooftop, dead, her eyes wide open and a
small pool of blood building up behind her. DiNozzo then looks at her for a
second before glancing at the warehouse opposite them. Gibbs follows DiNozzo's
gaze]
Gibbs: Ari...



(Bert the hippo farts, followed by a questioning look from Tony)
Abby: He's supposed to make that noise.
Tony: You have a stuffed animal that farts?
Abby: Yeah, it's cool huh...
Tony: Yeah, in a disturbing way.
[edit] Season Three[edit] Kill Ari: Part 1 [3.1]Gibbs: You first.
Tony: Ziva David, Mossad, she's here to stop you from whacking Ari. Yours?
Gibbs: Director Jenny Shepard, same mission.
Tony: Which agency?
Gibbs: Ours.
Tony: Yeah?



Kate: Why me, Gibbs? Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you? Why did I have
to take two?
Gibbs: I-I don't know.
Kate: You don't know? Come on, Gibbs, what's that famous gut tell you? Why did
I die instead of you?



Tony: That's a first.
McGee: He called me "Tim."
Tony: Patted my back.
McGee: It was kind of nice.
Tony: Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!



Abby: What can I do for you?... What?
Tony: You're weirder than Gibbs.
Abby: How so?
Tony: He's being nice.
Abby: Gibbs is always nice.
Tony: To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.
Abby: Which makes you feel wanted.
Tony: Yeah!



[Tony is protecting Abby from gunfire]
Tony: (lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?
Abby: (gasping) No... You're heavy!
Tony: Sorry.
Abby: (feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all
muscle!
Tony: Abby, shhh!!
Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
Tony: Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?
Abby: I don't know, it's my first time.



(Abby is sitting in her lab looking at a picture Kate drew of her. Kate
appears in gothic clothing)
Kate: You're a mess, girl. Red eyes, no makeup. If ever there was a time for
black lipstick, it's now.
(Abby begins applying lipstick)
Kate: Remember when we first met? I couldn't believe you were a Forensic
Scientist! I always thought goths had bats for pets, or vice-versa.
Abby: I really liked you, Kate. A lot.
Kate: Don't start that again. Wear your pigtails, I love you in pigtails!
(Abby pulls her hair back into pigtails)
Kate: That's better. You were persistent, Abs. First the black lipstick, then
the black nail-polish. Next thing you know, I have a tat on my bum.
(Abby giggles)
Kate: Oh God... Ducky's gonna see it! I'm dead, and I'm embarrassed!
(Both laugh, Kate's voice fades away, Abby continues laughing.)



Kate: I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. Could have killed Ari right here in
autopsy.
Ducky: Why did you hesitate?
Kate: His eyes. There was something in his eyes that made me not want to kill
him.
Ducky: His eyes were ice to me.



McGee: What is with this music?
Abby: I am playing it out of respect for Kate.
McGee: Well, I thought you were from New Orleans.
Abby: So?
McGee: Well don't they play Jazz at funerals?
Abby: Coming from the cemetery, after the body has been buried. On the way to
the cemetary we play a dirge. Do you know what a dirge is, Timmy?
McGee: Creepy music?
Abby: Can you go back to the squad room and let me do my job?
McGee: I can't.
Abby: Why?
McGee: Gibbs...Gibbs told me to watch over you.
Abby: Ohhh… (It looks like Abby is mad) That is so sweet!



(Gibbs and Ducky are in autopsy talking about Ari)
Ducky: One has to wonder what made him such a sadist.
Gibbs: I don't give a damn! I just want to kill the bastard!
[edit] Kill Ari: Part 2 [3.2]Kate: Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she
intimidate you?
Tony: A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.
Kate: You're forgetting your mother.
Tony: Mothers don't count.
Kate: And that lawyer. Marla?
Tony: Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.
Kate: Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely
intimidates you.
Tony: Does not.
Kate: Does too.
Tony: Does not.
Kate: Does too.



Gerald: I've never driven a stick.
Abby: Are you serious?
McGee: What, you can drive a stick?
Abby: Yeah, since I was like ten.
Gerald: What were you driving when you were ten?
Abby: A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding
shotgun.
McGee: Bubba?
Abby: Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.



Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corps.
Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
Gibbs: What is it, Abs?
Abby: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to
do.
Gibbs: Okay, but don't leave the --
Abby: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.



Tony: How long have you known I was --
Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.
Tony: I don't think so.
Ziva: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a
telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --
Tony: Okay, okay. You knew.
Ziva: [handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You
shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.
Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
Ziva: Our training?
Tony: Modesty.



Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined
Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
Tony: Family tradition?
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.
[edit] Mind Games [3.3]Abby: I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the
father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his
silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.
Tony: Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.
Abby: I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really
hot.
Tony: What seems to be the problem Abs?
Abby: McGee's ignoring me!
Tony: Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]
McGee: Ow! What was that for?
Tony: Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.



Tony: Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks
down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.
Paula: Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up
behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're
gonna get.
Gibbs: Agent Cassidy. Go see how many victims Abby id'd from the scrapbook
[Paula leaves]
Tony: I'll go help her. [gets up]
Gibbs: Wait.
[Paula enters the elavator, the door closes and Gibbs headslaps Tony]
Tony: What was that for?!
Gibbs: Letting her get to you!
Tony: Boss, I was not letting her get to- It won't happen again.



Boone: He's carving your name on her back right now.
Gibbs: Game's over. Back to the death row.
Boone: Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me
now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed
when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?
Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself? [a battered but clearly
alive Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen]
Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.
Tony: He's kinda dead. [Boone is speechless]
Gibbs: Enjoy hell.
[edit] Silver War [3.4]Ziva: I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know.
[muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: A donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she means horse's ass.
Ziva: Yes, that too.



Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like
a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a
funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: 'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.



Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it
objectifies them.
Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially
liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: [checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.



[Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab
driver in a past life.



Gibbs: While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Ziva: You're kidding, right?
[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
Gibbs: And your back-up.
Ziva: What back-up?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and
hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in
Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.



Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can
murder you and leave no forensic evidence.



[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and
a woman with a knife in her chest]
Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.
[edit] Switch [3.5][The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets
Tony]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them
to the crime scene]



Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation,
probie, I had my identity stolen once.
McGee: Really?
Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl'
outfit?
McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected
once. We used to... line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...



[crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the
agents to come down and help find a bullet]
McGee: [exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many
times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.
McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?
Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?



Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware
of?
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!



[searching a Naval officer's house]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton,
bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of
Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those
stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced
"Magnum, P.I."]



[searching a Naval officer's house]
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found
his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of
A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it’s the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony
jumps]
Tony: It’s a...
Ziva: It’s a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.



Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad
news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb
fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?
Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby: Neither do I.
[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to
evidence] ...that.
Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.
[edit] The Voyeur's Web [3.6]Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and
sell them in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?
Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at
Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."



Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image,
Americans really love their porn.



Tony: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.
McGee: What, you mean screwing up?
Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.
Ziva: That was nice of you.
Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."
Tony: Same difference.



Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.
McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
Tony: Star Wars stuff.
McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
McGee: Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?
Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped
with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.
McGee: A Star Wars junkie, huh?
Ziva: Not especially.
Tony: She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.



Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead.
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these
situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?
[edit] Honor Code [3.7]Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think
to have any of your own?
Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?



Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation,
let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is
spic and spam.
Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?
Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.



Ziva: The boy has remarkable memory. There’s also someone here from Social
Security to pick him up.
Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
Ziva: Noted.



Ziva: They owed me a favor.
McGee: How many people owe you a favor?
Ziva: How many dates has Tony in a month?



Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.
Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.
Gibbs: How long?
Ziva: Not long.
Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.



McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I
don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.
[edit] Under Covers [3.8][F.B.I. Agents Maya and Yussif were doing
surveillance on Tony and Ziva, and are convinced the two actually had sex.]
Maya: We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.
Yussif: Very convincing.
Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to
sell a cover story.
Yussif: [eyeing Maya] I would.
McGee: Guys, they were acting.
Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.



[Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby
calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva: Maybe we needed the money.
Tony: Kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a
set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited.



[Ziva is snoring incessantly.]
Tony: (mutters) Crazy chick...
Ziva: (sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.



[In the privacy of the elevator, Gibbs and Fornell quickly hammer out a
cooperation agreement.]
Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us.



[After being rescued.]
Tony: I want a divorce!



Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he
hit you?
Tony: I wasn't counting.
Ziva: Seven times.
Tony: She was, of course.
Ziva: It was hard not to.



Ziva: I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]
Tony: Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]
McGee: Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live.
[edit] Frame-Up [3.9]Tony: Someone's setting me up.
Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?
Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.
Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?
Tony: You see my dilemma.
McGee: [reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?
Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.
Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn
out to be a cop.
Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?
Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.
Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.



Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Ziva: I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.



Sacks: Do you realise the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?
Tony: Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realise that you have an enormous clump of
something green between your teeth?
[After the interrogation]
Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?



Ziva: We've been barking up the wrong tree the entire investigation.
Tony: Bush.
Ziva: Sorry. Barking up the wrong... bush?
Tony: [grins] Tree.



[Tony is in a jail cell, going crazy rambling about his case]
Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
[...]
Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
[...]
Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a
federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the
breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in
the woods in the middle of the night! Right?
[...]
Tony: I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
Tony: Thank you, boss.



Ziva: [slams Petri against the wall] We have a warrant now.
Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for
murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]



Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?
[edit] Probie [3.10]Jen: What are you thinking about?
Gibbs: Paris.
Jen: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.



Tony: [on the phone to sperm bank] DiNozzo, big D, little I, big N, little
ozzo.



Jethro: Can somebody tell me what is going on here?! First, Abby's lab nerd
frames Tony for murder, now McGee kills a cop... did someone break a mirror?



Ziva: Halligan's on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?
McGee: Lam?
Ziva: That’s it.
Tony: He’s on the lam. There’s no “B” in that, by the way.
Ziva: Thank you.



McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord?
Ziva: His goose is cooked.
Tony: You would get that one right.



McGee: Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a
Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only
knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and
computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
Tony: The first time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Really.
[McGee lets out a little laugh.]
Tony: If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.



Tony: [Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?
Ziva: Oh... Yes.
[edit] Model Behavior [3.11]Jen: [on the phone to Gibbs] Gibbs, where are you?
Gibbs: [opening Director's office door behind Jen] Right behind you.
Jen: I really hate it when you do that. [she hangs up]



Gibbs: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.
Jen: You're going to apologize?
Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner.



Ziva: [referring to a model] You really find her attractive?
Tony: Yeah?
Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her!



Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was
just mindless entertainment?
Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.
Tony: Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting
at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your
50 inch plasma.
Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been
raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on.
Tell him, McGee!
Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.
McGee: Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes
here or there.
Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.
McGee: That's not TV.
Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
Ziva: [shocked]
McGee: It's an elf lord.
Tony: [laughing] Whatever.
Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony]
What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!
McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.
Gibbs: ...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?
[edit] Boxed In [3.12]Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?
Ziva: I'm bra-less.
Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.
Ziva: Don’t you have anything better to do than correct my English?



Tony: Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.
Tony: Don't.
Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?
Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva
smiles]



Tony: Hey, if this thing goes off-
Ziva: This is not your fault, I know.
Tony: No, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd
slept with me.
Ziva: If you'd had anything else on your mind, I might have.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No.



Ziva: I can't tell where we are going.
Tony: There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --
Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like those homos in those old movies
Tony: Hobos! Not homos.



Ziva: Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...
McGee: Where are you going?
Ziva: I've been locked in a box with Tony all day. The ladies' room!
[edit] Deception [3.13][Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a
gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house]
Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative...
Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.
Tony: [sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you
never do.



Security Officer: [speaking into his radio] Central? Got two suspects claiming
to be Feds.
Tony: [glances at the radio] No little red light on the radio means the radio
not working.



[Ziva escapes her cuffs and subdues the obnoxious Security Officer, aiming her
gun at him.]
Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
Ziva: [angrier] "Ma'am"?
[Tony facepalms]



Tony: You haven’t met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He’s good?
Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Tony: She’s Israeli.
Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.



Abby: [to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you, ma'am.



[The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer
in the woods.]
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.



Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?
Abby: Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or
a thack, not even a thock on the track.
Tony: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.
[edit] Light Sleeper [3.14]Gibbs: [about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of
an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.



Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your
family.



[Abby reports finding no gunshot residue on the suspect's clothes.]
Gibbs: He could have worn gloves-
Abby: Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am
running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How
long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't
smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs!
[herself] Um, two hours? As soon as I know something, you'll know something.
[Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This...
[hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust
falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs]
Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know
you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on
the cheek, and leaves]



Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?
Ziva: You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with
back-up documents, and relocated.
Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for
lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause
I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)
Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!



Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may
end up being a homicidal maniac."
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.



Ziva: I’ve learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more
bees with honey…
Tony: Flies.
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies... don’t like... vinegar.
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.



Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you
both to know...
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.
Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a
direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss.
[edit] Head Case [3.15]Ziva: [To DiNozzo] I didn't know your nickname was
honeybuns.
Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!



Jen: [To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case] Something wrong?
Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.
Jen: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."
Tony: "...can't hurt him".
Jen: No. "Can't hurt us".



Ziva: My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Jeanne Oliver was protecting
was...
Gibbs: Jeanne Oliver.
Ziva: Tony and McGee are picking her up.
Gibbs: Not bad, Officer David.
Ziva: Well, I do what I can.
Gibbs: When you see the director, thank her for me.



Jen: [Looking through two-way mirror at Jeanne Oliver sitting in the
interrogation room] Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I
went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.
[edit] Family Secret [3.16]Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.
Ziva: On McGee's computer?
Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.
Ziva: And what's the question?
Tony: Have I no shame?



Tony: She asked you out? You?!
McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
Tony: Trust me, you're not.



[Gibbs hits the back of Ziva's head]
Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!
Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.
[Ziva throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]



Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.
Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.



Gibbs: [After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events
that led to an explosion] Not an accident.
Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.



Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.
Gibbs: I know. I know.
Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --
Gibbs: McGee next.
McGee: It wasn't --
Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
Tony: Well I --
Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.



Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
McGee: Or die trying!
Tony: [with a horrified look at McGee] Or die trying?! You had to put that in
his head?
[edit] Ravenous [3.17][Ziva and Tony are watching probie agents attending an
autopsy.]
Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
[One of the probies vomits.]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to
become our Director.



McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six
days.
Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a
bear's digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.



Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind
of Riley's missing girlfriend.



Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were
having sex.
Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?



Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine',
but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.



Ziva: Lions and spiders and bears, oh my!



Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?
Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.



Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!
Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t
want him to think I’m sleazy.
Tony: That term is "easy."
Ziva: What's the difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.



Gibbs: [Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here
with Ranger Hendricks.
Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --
Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and
Ranger Hendricks stay]
Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he
tells us where the girl is.
[edit] Bait [3.18]Ziva: She asked if you had the calzones for this, yes?
Tony: Cojones.
Ziva: Do you?



[Gibbs has entered the room with the hostage-taker.]
Tony: [from outside] I want to speak with Special Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Everybody's okay... Boss.
Tony: That's good to hear... Special Agent Gibbs.
Kody: Your agent says he's a negotiator.
Tony: Well, that's right. He's my best man.
Kody: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
Tony: He always had an attitude problem.
[Inside the room, Gibbs smiles. Outside the room, Tony winces.]



Tony: Just want to let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking
for your mom.
Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.
Tony: All right. I'm going.
Marine: How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?
Tony: [grimly] I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.
[edit] Iced [3.19]Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?
Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?
Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.



McGee: Something wrong, boss?
Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.



Tony: Next thing you know, you'll be wearing clogs in bubble baths.
McGee: What is wrong with bubble baths?



Tony: You just set off Gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.



Tony: This isn't about orientation. It's about image.
Ziva: So your image is homo-pubic?
Tony: Homo-phobic.



Tony: Ice? That means...
Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.
Tony: It was a really good one too.



Gibbs: [Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "attaboy?"
Tony: I... thought it'd be nice.
Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.



Cesar Bernal: [To McGee] You've been watching too many cop shows.
McGee: Well, you've been watching too many... gang... person shows.
(from observation)
Tony: I don't think McGee watches enough cop shows.
Ziva: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he
wants to be.



Cesar Bernal: You can't keep me in here like this!
McGee: No, actually, I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected ties to
al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist" and I can keep you
in this room until you grow old and die.
(from observation)
Tony: That... actually was intimidating.



Tony: My name's Anthony. My friends call me Tony which, spelled backwards, is
"Y-not."



Cesar Bernal: (mockingly) Semper Fi.
Gibbs: Goodbye, Cesar.
[edit] Untouchable [3.20]Tony: Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor
complains about the noise.
Ziva: What... her shouting "no means no!"? Actually I have the same problem.
Tony: Oh, you have surround sound too?
Ziva: No, I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer', yes?



Tony: (looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?
(Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)
Gibbs: What did I tell you about that. DiNozzo?
Tony: The skin might not grow back.



Ducky: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.



Gibbs: Looks like they’re putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. [the
team just stares at him] ...What?
Tony: Uh... little before our time, boss.



Tony: [doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.
Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.



[Abby is talking with Mrs. Mallard in her lab]
Mrs. Mallard: [smiles] Did you know, that without those longshoreman tattoos,
and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?
Abby: Thank you!
Mrs. Mallard: [frowns] I hated her.



[While Tony and Ziva are on stakeout, Ziva thinks Tony is asleep behind his
sunglasses. Mischievously, she begins to tip her water bottle over his
crotch...]
Tony: Do it and die, Amadeus.
[edit] Bloodbath [3.21]McGee: Sounds like a bloodbath.
Tony: Mondays. How many bodies we talkin' about here?
Gibbs: Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?



Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an
umbrella if you go in there.



Tony: How bad does a drug deal have to go for you to leave the drugs behind?



Gibbs: Someone was dissected here, Duck?
Ducky: More like three someones.



Abby: McGee, you're lurking without a permit.



Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug
dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.



Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me Abby?
Abby: Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a
baseball bat.



[Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend, Michael, at his business,
Krime Kleaners]
Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard
about you until today.



Abby: I’m a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.
McGee: Uh, Abby, you play with voodoo dolls.
Abby: I meant metaphorically, McGee. I don’t think they actually do anything.
I just play with ‘em, y’know, to relax.



McGee: Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.
Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
McGee: [Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your
hands to yourself.
Abby: Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells
like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your
car.
McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.
Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you
should take the sleeping bag.
McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby
brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie
that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who
carry a gun.
McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid
Mary's straight razor.
McGee: Where are you going?
Abby: To get my toothbrush.
McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.
Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I
let you leave.
Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
McGee: (grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves)
(someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
Abby: What'd you forget?
McGee: My keys.
Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
McGee: My car keys. Now, you do not answer the door for anyone. (Abby gives
him a mock salute) Anyone, or I will tie you up.
Abby: (excited) Really?



Gibbs: Coordinate with Abby.
McGee: Boss, you’re gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.
[Gibbs goes to the elevator, where Abby is sitting in the corner holding a
stun gun]
Abby: Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million
deaths each year occur in elevators?



Gibbs: Nobody is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Gibbs: Did it?
Abby: Yeah, can you say it again?
Gibbs: Nobody’s gonna hurt you, Abs.



Michael: We just got off on the wrong foot.
Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--
Michael: Abby!



Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink
alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm
still depressed; and I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. Which means that
tomorrow, I'm going to have to fight off a hangover while I'm in court, and
some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.



Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...

Gibbs: Maybe it is.

Abby: How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic
can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is
not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it
really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel]
I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the
tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]



[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose)
repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And
don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.



Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She
wants everyone to believe she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes
it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and
the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you
can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the
world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?
Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing
that there is no one on the other side of the window.
Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Abby! Look, I know you're in there!
Abby!
Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.
[edit] Jeopardy [3.22][Abby has come up to the squad room to take pictures of
the dead man.]
Abby: Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?
McGee: Because they are.
Abby: Did I do something wrong?
Tony: Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?
Abby: Every summer.
Tony: Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with white socks up to their
knees wearing fannypacks?
Abby: Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she
is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around
her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.



[Ziva has come down to Autopsy to see if there is any new discoveries
pertaining to the death of a suspect she accidentally killed in the elevator.]
Ducky: And you probably shouldn't be down here.
Ziva: I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be in the field, can you please
'please' tell me where I should be?
Ducky: Well, I can understand your feelings of alienation.
Ziva: Everyone's avoiding me! Do they think I am just going to lose control,
just enter the building and massacre everyone?! I mean, I am being treated
like a leopard.
Ducky: I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.



Ducky: My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is
gone, and tomorrow may never come."



Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes,
second-leading cause of divorce.
Ducky: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.
[edit] Hiatus: Part 1 [3.23][The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks,
watching a freighter]
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."



Ziva: I'm confused.
McGee: So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
Tony: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.
Ziva: I love that movie!
[She opens her mouth to sing, Tony claps a hand over her mouth.]
Tony: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A
Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Ziva: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.



[Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]
Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your
testicles?



Ziva: Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?
Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.
Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.



[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony
gives him a job to do outside]
McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him
a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.



Abby: What are you not telling me?
McGee: What do you mean?
Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
McGee: What?
Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big
bad wolf was outside.
McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
Abby: The Director hasn't called.
Ziva: About?
Abby: About?! Gibbs!
Ziva: Oh...
Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't
know, forgotten to tell.
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play
music in here...
Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
Abby: What if they were?!
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so
does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).



Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.



Abby: Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts!



Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too, Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.
[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]
Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it.
Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.
[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]
Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug?
Big buddy hug. Come on.
[They hug.]
Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.
[Both women hit Tony.]
Tony: Now we feel better.



Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.



Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because
yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."
[edit] Hiatus: Part 2 [3.24](Ziva remembers the idiom from 3.08)
Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?
Tony: No.
(McGee gives her a thumbs-up)
Ziva: Yes!



Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15
years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after
Director Shepard)



(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...
Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.



Tony: My gut tells me we're missing something.
Ziva: Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.



Gibbs: [to the Deputy Director of the NSO, who is on the big screen in MTAC]
Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!



[Ziva has gone to see Gibbs in the hospital. She walks in and he is asleep.
When she walks over he grabs her arm and gets out of the bed. She starts
telling him about some of the things he doesn't remember. She ends up telling
him about Ari and Kate.]
Ziva: Ari...... Ari killed Kate! And I...... I killed Ari! [she starts crying]
Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to save me?
Ziva: [crying] Yes.
[Gibbs glares at her, frustrated]
Ziva: See? That's it!
Gibbs: That's what?!
Ziva: The old Gibbs stare!
[Gibbs continues to look frustrated. Ziva grabs his hand and uses it to
head-slap herself]
[Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries]



Gibbs: [gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look] You'll
do.
[Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder]
Gibbs: It's your team now. [turns to McGee] You're a good agent, Tim. Don't
let him tell you otherwise.
McGee: I won't, boss.
Abby: Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the
cheek]
Gibbs: [walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.
Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.



(Gibbs starts to leave, then turns back for one last look at his team.)
Gibbs: Semper Fi.



Ziva: He'll only talk if I can...
Tony: No torture.
Ziva: There's no other way.
Tony: Find one.
Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.
Tony: Hands.
Ziva: Those, too.
[edit] Season 4[edit] Shalom [4.1]Tony: There is only one thing you need to
know about Officer David.
Lee: Don't make her mad.
Tony: So, technically, really, there are two things. And the other one is, she
can take care of herself.



Tony: Who was that?
Abby: Where?
Tony: On the phone.
Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.
McGee: Nuns?
Abby: Yeah, y’know, nuns with the big white hats and the --
McGee: Habits. Yeah, they’re called habits, the white hats.
Abby: Yep, that’s right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.
McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.
Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?



Gibbs: Today, Ziva!
Ziva: Okay. I may be in a little bit of trouble.
Gibbs: Yeah? Define little.
Ziva: I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.
Gibbs: Geez, what’d you do?



Ziva: The target's name was Abdul Wazir. A Syrian wanted for crimes against
the state of Israel. Terminated by this man, Mossad Officer Namir Eschel, my
former teammate when I was stationed in Paris.
Gibbs: Who's supposed to be dead.
Ziva: Apparently he's gotten better.



Ziva: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't --
Tony: [interrupting] I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.
Ziva: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.
Gibbs: That true, Tony?
Tony: When I need to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.
[edit] Escaped [4.2]Gibbs: I got this little girl who wants to go home to her
dad, and that’s not gonna happen without your help. So... please?
Tony: Did Gibbs just say...?
McGee: (stunned) Mm-hmm.
[edit] Singled Out [4.3]Ziva: Oh, okay. I understand.
Tony: Understand what?
Ziva: You feel a little threatened now that Gibbs is back.
Tony: I do not!
Ziva: You have been whining like a little snitch all week!
Tony: The term is 'bitch'.
Ziva: I know. I was being polite.



[McGee is upset that Tony still calls him 'Probie']
Gibbs: McGee, how long have I been an NCIS Special agent?
McGee: Almost... sixteen years.
Gibbs: Wanna take a wild guess at what my first partner still calls me?



Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in
the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?



Tony: Okay, I got used to being in charge!
Ziva: You better get unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to shoot
you.



[Abby and McGee are asleep at their computers. Gibbs walks in.]
Gibbs: [whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.
Abby: [wakes up] AHH! McGee! My baby's french-frying! [starts typing
furiously]
McGee: [wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!
[after a few seconds, Abby turns around]
Abby: That is so not funny, Gibbs!



Ziva: [to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip
your arm off and beat you to death with it!



[using a computer program that predicts the features of a couple's children,
Tony and Abby combine Gibbs and Jenny and produce a hypothetical daughter.]
Tony: Wow... even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Gibbs: Never more than once, DiNozzo.
Abby: Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.



Jenny: You're turning down a promotion because of Gibbs' mustache?
Tony: He called Ziva 'Kate' yesterday
[edit] Faking It [4.4]Gibbs: Tell me you found a match on our suspect's
prints, Abs.
Abby: Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65. That's what
the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A
lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many
pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?
Gibbs: Enlighten me.
Abby: 3.5 Billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars. That's a
lot of pennies in any language.
Gibbs: Including Russian?
Abby: No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.



Gibbs: [about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who
booked it out last?
Tony: The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.
Gibbs: Who was the NIS case agent?
[Tony pulls up the file, and sees Mike Franks.]
Tony: What time is it in Mexico right now?
Gibbs: Cantina time.



[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]
McGee: Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right,
give me some gloves.
Ziva: You didn't pack the gloves.
McGee: I thought you packed the gloves.
Ziva: [laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.



McGee: Ziva thinks that all men are liars.
Tony: Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?
Ziva: Particularly you.
Tony: [grins] You think?
McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Tony: Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this
morning.
Ziva: True.
Tony: Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.
Ziva: False.
Tony: She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.
Ziva: False. Strike three. I win.
Tony: [looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?
Ziva: When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left.
A tell-tale sign when people lie.
Tony: And the date?
Ziva: Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would
have talked about it all day.
Tony: I would?
McGee: Oh yeah.
Tony: Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this
morning?
Gibbs: Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.
Tony: Ready to roll, boss!
Gibbs: [walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?
Tony: Yeah, boss?
Gibbs: You got egg on your shirt.
Ziva: [smiles] Not just your shirt...



Tony: Women want men to lie to them.
Ziva: Not true.
Tony: [In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to
you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big
as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."
[edit] Dead And Unburied [4.5]Ducky: [Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal.
It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It
doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting.
Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins
widely] From a purely forensic standpoint, I mean.



Tony: We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback
Mountain.
McGee: He had me at "howdy."



Abby: [gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your
face.
Gibbs: I've still got my eyebrows.
Abby: Good point.



Rick: What’s going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!
Ziva: She tried to rat on us.
Tony: She means rabbit.
Ziva: Rabbit, yes!



Jody: ...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!
Ziva: [to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?
Tony: I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.



Jody: I come from a good Catholic family! When we swear to God, we mean it!
[edit] Witch Hunt [4.6]Ziva: The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked
like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.
Gibbs: "Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.
Tony: Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.
McGee: The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler
Sebring Sedan.
Tony: McGeek with the save!



McGee: Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass and tried to wipe up
the blood.
Tony: Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!



Tony: Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!
McGee: Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.
Tony: I hate Halloween



Gibbs: Marital problems?
Ziva: Well, according to someone called Scuttle Butt, he caught his wife
cheating on him.
Gibbs: Scuttlebutt’s not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call
gossip.
Ziva: And you wonder why I have a problem with your language.



Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.
Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in this documentary that
Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?
Ducky: Yes, well, I was referring to the mother bear's protective instincts
when her cubs are threatened. There is no more dangerous creature in the
world.
Ziva: I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.
Ducky: Well, that's perfectly dreadful.
Ziva: That's what I said to Tony!
Ducky: What does Gibbs think?
Ziva: I don't know. He isn't speaking to me.
Ducky: Well, chin up, my dear. It could be worse.
Ziva: How?
Ducky: He could be a bear.



(Ducky and Palmer drive up with the car splattered with eggs)
Ziva: What happened to them?
Tony: I told you, it's Halloween.
Ducky: Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.
Gibbs: Yeah, I can see that.
McGee: Did you get a good look at 'em?
Ducky: Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!
(Palmer slides open the door and three ninjas stumble out of the car)
Ninjas: Where are we? We said we're sorry!
Tony: Nice work, Palmer!
Palmer: Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!



Ducky: Oh, please. It's not that impressive. It's not as if they were real
ninjas.



A guy at the Halloween party: Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you
spelled CSI wrong on your hats.
[edit] Sandblast [4.7]Tony: Did I miss something?
Ziva: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.



Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Ziva: I can disarm it.
Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.
Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running
after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!
Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?
Tony: I don't frickin' know!



Tony: [watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.
Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every
woman when they pass you by.
Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Ziva: See anything good?
Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces
as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.
Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.
Tony: What if I said it was?
Ziva: Now you'll never know.



Tony: Looks like this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop!
Ziva: Most suicide bombers are.
[edit] Once A Hero [4.8]Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with
death now, do you?
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!



Nelson: Do I need a lawyer?
Gibbs: Only if you're feeling guilty.



Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.
Tony: There is?



Jeanne: I know something else we could do to stay warm.
Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?
Jeanne: Dancing!



Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: Boss?
Gibbs: Stop eating the evidence.
[edit] Twisted Sister [4.9]Tony: That was quick.
Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You
wouldn't mind taking a...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting
in my head.
Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.



Gibbs: Ah, there you are, Jen. I've been looking all over for you.
Jen: I thought since we were short on agents, Abby could use some help.
Gibbs: The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo
home.
Jen: Well, there's no sense getting us all sick...
Abby: [as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me
first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to handle
my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs] Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time
I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The
kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.



Tony: [seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And here I thought
being sent to the principal's office was bad.



Abby: [about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.
Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]
Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.



Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is?
Ziva: A shoe or a blocked drain?
Gibbs: No, on the Internet.
Ziva: Oh, I thought it was called a "blog," but then again my English is often
wrong.



Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.



Tony: [to Jeanne after discussing their relationship] If you always do what
you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got. And while what
I got had its perks, I'm looking for something different now.
[edit] Smoked [4.10]Tony: [to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail
your essence, here; '[in a low voice from McGee's book] Stakeouts. Long,
endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad
Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with
Agent Tom... You're behind me again, aren't you?
Ziva: Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.
Tony: He was, was he.
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm
around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?
Tony: And by "give in", you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went
undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Mhhm. Really?
Ziva: But my father would not approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish?
Ziva: [laughing] Because gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.
Tony: Ha! Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't.
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it!
Gibbs: I'm ending it.



McGee: Abby, they hate me.
Abby: They don't hate you, McGee.
McGee: Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.
Abby: Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you
didn't ask our permission.
McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!
Abby: You described everything in my bedroom.
McGee: Not everything. Do you still have those...?
[Abby's computer beeps.]
Abby: Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.



Shepard: Before you go, Fornell, there is one thing...
Gibbs: Come with me Tobias, I want to show you something.
Fornell: You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?
[edit] Driven [4.11]Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual
harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes
looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual
nature.
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light
includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as
hugging someone...
[Abby raises her hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!
[everyone mutters no]
Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask
permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like, every time?
Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome
touching.
Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in
suprise.]
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this...
[slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate
behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]
Tony: ...No. Just wondering, that's all.
[Palmer raises his hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...
Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead?
Woman: [sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!
Palmer: Well, I work in autopsy...



Ziva: You attacked the car?
Gibbs: The car tried to kill Abby!



McGee: I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.
Abby: How'd you know I was here?
McGee: Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--
Abby: I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]
McGee: I though you were supposed to ask first.
Abby: Never with you, Tim.
[McGee puts his hand over hers.]



Gibbs: [holds up the memory chip from a digital camera] Essentially, all we
have to do is find something the size of this, inside a Humvee packed with $22
million worth of electronics?
McGee: Pretty much.
Gibbs: [drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.
Abby: That is an excellent point.
[edit] Suspicion [4.12]Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not
secretive!
Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of
secretive behavior here, Probie?
McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was
just...
Ziva: Deceptive.
Tony: Sneaky.
McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would
have laughed at me.
Tony: True.
Ziva: True.



Tariq: You're a Jew.
Ziva: Yes.
Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.
Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.
Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always
going to be this way?
Ziva: At least in our lifetime.
[Deputy Tyler Barrett walks in.]
Tyler: Oh, cozy.
Ziva: Can I help you?
Tyler: [to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our
"martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins.
(chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow
yourself up just to get lucky.
[Ziva twists his arm behind his back, hard.]
Tyler: OW!
Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him
you're sorry.
Tyler: (quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!
Ziva: I don't think he heard you.
Tyler: I'm sorry!
Tariq: Apology accepted.
Gibbs: (walking in) There a problem?
Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.
[edit] Sharif Returns [4.13]Tony: Morse code is a dying art.
Ziva: It was for him.



[Gibbs and Mann kiss in her bedroom.]
Lt. Col. Mann: Before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you
get the damn boat out of your basement?
[edit] Blowback [4.14]Jenny: You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under
surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!
McGee: Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?
Ziva: No, the Director's right. We could of let Haro escape. If he sold ARES,
we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!
Jenny: Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way!
Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]
Tony: Uh, that's right Director. They could've -
Gibbs: - Shot him.
Tony: That's right, they could have shot him.
Gibbs: Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad
training and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Ziva: Three rounds...
Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -
McGee: - Added three more rounds.
Jenny: Gibbs...
Gibbs: See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.
[Ducky walks over to the group]
Ducky: I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing
Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?
Jenny: Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could
have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!
Ducky: I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]
Jenny: Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?
Ducky: Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a
high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief he could run
up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.
Jenny: Anything else?
Ducky: Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off]
- autopsy.



Ziva: That's Ares?
Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!
Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.
Tony: My sphincter doesn't.
Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: Tony, it's the size of an ATM!



Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate’s copy of ARES?
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That’s what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate’s copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack
Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He’s a pirate?
Tony: No, he’s an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.



Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: I like my description better.



[edit] Friends & Lovers [4.15][Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to
the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]
Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any
questions pertaining to this class?
Tony: I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?
Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.



[Lee draws back her hand to throw a knife. It flies out of her hand and hits
the wall behind them, narrowly missing Gibbs as he enters.]
Ziva: I thought you said you grew up around weapons?
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father let me near them.



Gibbs: McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for
evidence.
McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.
Ziva: You're afraid of bugs, McGee?
McGee: Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human
flesh, yes.
Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.
McGee: How'd you get over it?
Ziva: I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that
bad.



Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn.
Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence.
Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind
her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.
Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?
Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?
McGee: You challenged it to a duel.
Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with.
There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the
computer now.
McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated
card) Did you find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be
why I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.
Gibbs: (walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.



(Tony, Ziva, and Carson watching Gibb's interrogation)
Tony: It’s almost unfair interrogating junkies.
Ziva: It’s like shooting fish in a pond.
Carson: I um… I think you mean a barrel.
Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel?
Carson: Um... I, um... it’s a good point. I never really thought about it
before.
Ziva: Mm-hmm.



(Tony and Ziva looking at a vacation website)
Ziva: Where are WE going?
Tony: We're not going anywhere.
Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?
[edit] Dead Man Walking [4.16]


Roy: Lieutenant Roy Sanders, Sir. I need you to investigate a murder.
Gibbs: Whose?
Roy: [pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.



Ziva: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Internet dating?
Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.



Roy: Table's cold.
Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.
Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a
change.
Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is, you talk back.



[McGee has to wear hospital scrubs while Abby tests his clothes for
radiation.]
Tony: Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: No, Aquasmurf.



McGee: Found something.
Tony: Is it dangerous?
McGee: Do you want kids...? Kidding.



Roy: Sorry, felt a little dizzy.
Ziva: I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...
Roy: I'm not saying anything.
Ziva: Sorry, it's the English.



Ziva: I have been working for thirty straight hours!
McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!
Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
Ziva: Thanks.



Roy: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That
I'd stopped running.
Ziva: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.
Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.
[edit] Skeletons [4.17]Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar)
Give me a dollar.
McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.
McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby: It has nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!
McGee: All I have are big bills.
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.
McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.
Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!
(silence)
Tony: Sure, I got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!
Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an
explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.
McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.



McGee: She definitely seemed Un-Abby.
Ziva: Who?
Tony: Abby.
Ziva: Abby's unhappy?
Tony: No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk
to her when I can.
McGee: Why you?
Tony: Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of
sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.
McGee: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.
Tony: See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?
Ziva: The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an
expert.
Tony: All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the
one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.



McGee: I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.
Tony: Let it go, Probie.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.



Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, wait here.
Tony: You sure about that, Boss...? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd
be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!
[edit] Iceman [4.18]Tony: Well, well. Look who's finally here.
Ziva: Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously
missing.
Tony: Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact,
it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for
punctuality.



Gibbs: Any tattoos Ducky?
Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is
a direct no.



Mike: [to Gibbs] We're getting more alike you and me, Probie. Even feeling the
same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little
girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. But I just know I've got
to do what's right for my boy... I owe him that.



Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: ...Wrong person to ask.



Abby: [her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean,
that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading
my mind, or am I sending you some sort of brain thoughts out of my head and
into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and
shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.



Tony: There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.
McGee: Well... at least you know you're not dead.



Ducky: [about the morgue] This is the place, where death rejoices in teaching
the living!



Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
McGee: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.
[edit] Grace Period [4.19]Paula Cassidy: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this
guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.
Ziva: Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.
Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he
wasn't involved. Right? Tony?
Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.
Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know
he could've committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't
make any sense!
Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you
will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his
suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a
woodchuck could chuck wo--
Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.
Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.
Ziva: That works for me.
Paula: Works for me, too, David.
Ziva: Da-veed!
[edit] Cover Story [4.20]McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before,
Probie.
[McGee stares at Tony]
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Study.
Tony: Figures.



Ziva: Was no secret he was writing about us.
Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her
broken heart?
Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to
happen?
Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where
they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Ziva: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Tony: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's
becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Tony: Would never happen.
[awkward silence]



Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love
interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Gibbs: Army what? McGee?
McGee: [reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.
[edit] Brothers In Arms [4.21]Tony: I sure wouldn't want to be a fly on the
wall up there. [Ziva looks confused] Never mind.



Gibbs: What've you got, Abs?
Abby: Oh, your usual incriminating evidence, all circumstantial, but beggars
can't be choosers.



McGee: Have you ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?
Tony: Only at the end of a really hairy date.
[edit] In The Dark [4.22]McGee: I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my
eyesight.
Ziva: You'd adapt.
McGee: What if I didn't?
Ziva: You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.
McGee: Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.



Gibbs: What's he hiding?
McGee: For the most part, not a whole lot. It's about the most boring diary
I've ever read. An obsession with Kelly Clarkson... wondering why he can't
find a girlfriend...
Abby: He didn't make the connection between those two things?



Tony: Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off
when I poked it into her lab to check on her.
McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.
Ziva: Abby?!
Tony: Abby Sciuto?



Tony: How long were you guys there?
Ziva: Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?
Tony: We're discussing it.
Ziva: What is there to discuss?
Tony: It's complicated.
Ziva: Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have
noticed the use of that word as a code for 'if I explain it, you would not
agree, therefore I will use the word "complicated" and hopefully you will stop
asking!'
Tony: That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby
wants...
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need
to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]
Ziva: Stop laughing or I will hurt you.



Ziva: I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes, and I
know what you're hiding from.
Tony: Really? What's that?
Ziva: What everyone who is afraid to love hides from: getting hurt.
Tony: It's not just me that I'm worried about hurting, Ziva.
Ziva: That's because you're a good person.
[edit] Trojan Horse [4.23]Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like "love you" love
you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way
I love puppies.
McGee: I could have done without that comparison.
Abby: But I love puppies.



Jenny: [calling from Paris] Is the agency intact?
Gibbs: I cut it up into small bitsy pieces and sold it to the three-letter
boys.
[edit] Angel Of Death [4.24]Jenny: Is the agency still intact after a week
with Gibbs in charge?
Cynthia: Mmm... we survived.
Jenny: [chuckles] Did Gibbs?
Cynthia: Barely.



Gibbs: What were you doing for 21 hours, Jenny?
Jenny: What we used to do, ever so well.
Gibbs: When you lie, your right eye twitches. It always has.



Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21
hours, where were you?
Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.
Gibbs: How would you know?



Ducky: Unless you're a spy.
Ziva: Why're you looking at me?!
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.



Abby: [speaking to her computers and devices] Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay,
I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you
could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need
everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need
to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. [walks up to
her stereo and turns up music, then heads back to her computer and breathes in
deeply] Ready.
[edit] Season 5[edit] Bury Your Dead [5.1]Ziva / McGee: What're you doing
here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test
you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a
gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.



Jenny: His cover is teaching film online in American university.
Ziva: Tony, a teacher?
McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Who's bright idea was that?
Jenny: Mine.



McGee: What was that for?
Tony: Believing I was dead.
McGee: Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up
on you.
Ziva: Don't even think about the headslap.



Abby: Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for
dead, even Ziva!
Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener!
Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have
always admired it.
Tony: (checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
Abby: Palmer.
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky!
[Tony turns and sees Ducky, caught in the act of trying to replace Tony's
Mighty Mouse stapler.]
Ducky: My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!



Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.
[edit] Family [5.2]Ziva: I'm just being curious.
McGee: About when I lost my virginity.
Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but
if you lost it.



Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?
Tony: I can hear you, you know.



Ziva: I am here if you'd like to talk.
Tony: About what?
Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.
Tony: I'm fine, Ziva.
Ziva: All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.
Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's
keyboard.
McGee: You put superglue on my keyboard!



McGee: All right. I think I know what happened here.
Tony: Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands
again.
McGee: The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was
a beta, I thought-
Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.



[Ziva confronts Tony in the men's room]
Tony: You know, I saw this on Cinemax once.
Ziva: So what happens now?
Tony: They play some funky music and you say, "I have been watching you from
afar."
Ziva: Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how
much you cared for Jeanne.
Tony: Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.
Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?
Tony: I said I'm fine.
Ziva: You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.
Tony: Even if I was, this bothers you because...?
Ziva: Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in
judgment falling in love with that girl.
Tony: If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.
Ziva: And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.
Tony: I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.
Ziva: Feelings you need to let go.
Tony: That easy, huh?
Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be
willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for
her? You did not think this through.
Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?
Ziva: No. Actually, I didn't.
Tony: Well, it does.
Ziva: Well, it shouldn't.
Tony: Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man
walking.
Ziva: You crossed the line, Tony.
Tony: Oh, I crossed the line?



Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Tony: Hey! She followed me in there!
Ziva: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Tony: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.



Abby: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from
belta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose,
linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.
Gibbs: Panda?
Abby: Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes
it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a Chlorine
bleach.
Abby: [pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.
Gibbs: Uh-huh.
[edit] Ex-File [5.3]Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really
just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Fred Rinnert: A girl.
[both stop and look at him in surprise]



Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife
number four?
Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell
me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!



Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even
tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he
loved.



Hollis Mann: Bring her in for another interview.
Gibbs: Wait.
Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!
Gibbs: And I said wait!
Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.



Abby: Gibbs has this uncanny ability to know when I've found something. I
don't even know what I've found yet.
Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.
Abby: Oh, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy
right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with
me.
[edit] Identity Crisis [5.4]Ziva: Did you get her number?
Tony: Who, Courtney? No.
Ziva: I did.



[Ziva and McGee are focused at his computer and grinning as Tony walks in]
Ziva: [chuckles] Aw, not bad....
McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.
Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.
McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...
Ziva: [chuckles]
Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.
Ziva: [gives him a stare] Not me.
Tony: Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?
McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.
Ziva: McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.
Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...
McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will
jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV.
Maybe lick my face a little bit...
Ziva: [exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]
Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.
Ziva: [gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.
McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face,
slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.
Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.
McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Ziva: [looks confused] Are you getting a pony?
Tony: It's an adage.
Ziva: I am not familiar with that breed.
Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a
unicorn.
Tony: So, what's the favorite?
Ziva: [annoyed] The Pit Bull.
Tony: Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems
more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?



[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]
Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd. They're working dogs.



[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]
Gibbs: Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll
over.



Tony: [watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Presented by Leroy
Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as
per usual, the FBI.
[edit] Leap of Faith [5.5][McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room.
Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]
McGee: Don't do that!
Tony: Do what?
McGee: He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]
Tony: That tells him someone's here?
[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your Acrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little
understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait.
I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical
like a little girl!
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic
evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows
McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's
let the people decide.
McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?
Tony: I might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey!
[Begins wrestling for the phone]
Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What
are you gonna do?
[Both begin fighting over the phone]
Dr. Fleming: Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues
than you discussed on the phone.
Tony: On the phone?
Dr. Fleming: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?
McGee: [Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]
Tony: It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves
here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming]
We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.
McGee: Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and
DiNozzo.
Tony: [Stands] Very special agents.



[Abby comes up to the empty squadroom late at night when no one else is there.
She sits at Gibbs' desk and puts on his glasses.]
Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like
that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at
McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks
at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special
Agent Gibbs! [Speaking normal, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're
standing behind me, aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?
Abby: Um, not so much anymore.



[McGee has just saved Tony from falling from a high level of a parking garage
and they are both sitting on the ground against the concrete partition,
panting.]
Tony: I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to
give you a hard time again.
McGee: Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]
[edit] Chimera [5.6][Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work.
[shoots another wrapper]



Tony: What do your... astute ninja Mossad senses tell you?



Tony: [singing] Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes,
sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government
clearance...



Abby: You guys okay?
McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is
dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: Them.



Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture
my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat.
Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.



[Tony is carrying a dead rat through the abandoned ship.]
Tony: Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Movies That Take Place On Ships" for $500.
[The lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.
[edit] Requiem [5.7]Ziva: She knew.
McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.
Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.
Ziva: Your kind of book.
Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?
McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.



Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.
Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.



Shepard: Any idea where he's going?
Tony: No.
Shepard: Hazard a guess?
Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.



Ziva: Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try
to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?
Tony: He's a man.
Ziva: What does she have that he does not?
Tony: A bed.
[edit] Designated Target [5.8]Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you,
it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well,
you, you must accept--
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I
have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to
contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip
them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs
up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her
eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.



Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain
damage.
McGee: Explains a lot.
Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.



Ziva: You're xenophobic.
Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts,
lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little
Ziva-phobic.



Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?
Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing?
Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Ziva: You'll never get it.



McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like, I'm nuts for this girl, you know? And
she's just... nuts.



McGee: She does this for fun! She's been arrested twice! She steals people's
money, she buys things...
Abby: The crazy ones are the best.
McGee: See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?
Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's
gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you,
McGee. That should be enough.
[edit] Lost and Found [5.9]Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.



Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.
Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm
pulling rank.
Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.



Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!
Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!
Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...
Ziva: Hey!
Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!



Abby: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?
McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?



Jenny: Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.
Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.
Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.
Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.
[edit] Corporal Punishment [5.10]Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's
reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?
McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe
Ziva'll do it.
Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.
Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?
Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore.
Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.



McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?
Tony: As hard as you can.
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.



Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been
on the run for ninety minutes.
Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per
hour.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of
every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and
doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive?
Really?



Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having
feelings.
Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had
a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me.
When we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee look at each other]
Ziva: What? What is this look?
Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.
Ziva: He was powerful.
McGee: You really like him
Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But
strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.
McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?
Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head,
broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.
Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.



Gibbs: Courage doesn't have anything to do with medals. It's simple. You run
to the gunfire, not away from it.
[edit] Tribes [5.11]Tony: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is Full Metal
Jacket.
Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.
Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.



[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]
McGee: I’ll flip you for it.
Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Tony: [whispers] You can take her, McGee.



Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.
Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.
Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.
Ziva: Why not? He’s cute.
Tony: He -- he’s not cute, he’s --
Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.
Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.
Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.



Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.
Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it
Arab-style, huh? Strong.
Ziva: I like it strong.
Khalid: You like Muslims.
Ziva: Yes.
Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.
Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.
Khalid: Are you still close?
Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.
Khalid: There’s been too much death.
Ziva: I agree.



[Tony, digging through Ziva’s desk, has just discovered a "Movies for Dummies"
book]
Tony: Ah-ha!
Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.
Tony: You cheated!
Ziva: I did not.
Tony: This is a book about movies. I bet you didn’t even see those movies. You
just read this book.
Ziva: I like books.
Tony: I like movies.
Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.
Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been turned into a movie?
[edit] Stakeout [5.12]Tony: Any good tips? On the case?
Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return
social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?



Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she
could have done better.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The Jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean John?
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.



Ziva: Tony still has not gotten me back for the binoculars.
McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.
Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?
McGee: Point well taken.



McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical
stuff to him.
Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something
science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get
to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?
McGee: No.



Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I
saw Tony putting something under your car --
Ziva: What? When?
Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.
Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.
[edit] Dog Tags [5.13]Abby: Who would shoot this cute little dog? Look at
you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]
McGee: It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!
McGee: He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!
[The dog whines piteously.]
Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!
McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!
Abby: Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!
McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!
[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]
McGee: You're wrapping the dog in my jacket?! My Hugo Boss jacket?! Abby,
there's evidence on there...!
Abby: If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket
from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't
want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad
McGee!



Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?
Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) I'm a good Jethro.
Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent,
so I decided to call him Jethro.



Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads,
Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred
hours of Petty Officer Junction.
McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.



[McGee and a dog handler come down to pick up Jethro, to find Abby has locked
herself and Jethro in her office with loud music on, ignoring them. McGee is
still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as Jethro
growls]
Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.
McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now...
Abby!
Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!
McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?
[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face
them.]
Abby: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!
Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!
McGee: You can't stay in there forever.
Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both
Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least
a few days. (Jethro barks)



Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic
scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.
[McGee quickly puts money in the container]
[edit] Internal Affairs [5.14]Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.
Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.
Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance
smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director
Vance, you gonna ask for them?
[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]
Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of
NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.



Abby: [as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see
what happens next?
Tony: I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]
Abby: Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos.
Concentrate.
Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.



Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.



Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Jeanne: Was any of it real?
Tony: (lying through his teeth) No.
[edit] In The Zone [5.15]Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to
McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite
a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never
seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see
it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up
on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the
dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in
some states.



[Gibbs sees the photo of McGee "kissing" his dog.]
Gibbs: At least you don't have to pay alimony, McGee.
[edit] Recoil [5.16]Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!
McGee: She seems unfazed.
Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee.
She's fine.



Ziva: I'm not working. Just... drinking. Heidi! Uno mas, s'il vous plait.
Michael Locke: You're mixing your languages.
Ziva: And my liquors.



Locke: What's it like to shoot someone?
Ziva: It is what it is. It is what you have to do.



Tony: What are you doing?
Ziva: I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?
Tony: Same.
Ziva: What? Why?
[...]
Tony: Checking her medical records.
Ziva: Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to
communicate?
Tony: No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.
Ziva: Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.
Tony: Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker
face.



Ziva: Look. If you're going to give me a lecture on my bad judgment, I don't
need to hear it.
Gibbs: Is that what this is about? You doubting your judgment?
Ziva: I should've moved earlier.
Gibbs: You would've if you could've.
Ziva: I left it too late.
Gibbs: You still took him out.
Ziva: I almost died.
Gibbs: But you didn't. You've got to trust your judgment, Ziva. Moment you
don't, it won't be "almost."
[edit] About Face [5.17][McGee and Ziva are playing Scrabble]
Tony: Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought
this was an office.
McGee: Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise
intended to bolster her English vocabulary.
Tony: [chuckles] That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?
Ziva: It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.
McGee: Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.
Tony: [chuckles] Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only
one tile left to play.
McGee: [smiles] Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.
Ziva: You peeked!
McGee: Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.
Tony: You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. [Ziva suddenly looks in
thought] Give it up, Ziva.
[Ziva takes her Q tile and plays it in front of an I.]
McGee: [frowns and stares at the board] "Kwee"? I don't think so.
Ziva: [smiles] Chi. As in life energy that flows through all things.
Tony: You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.
McGee: No....
Ziva: [laughs] Sixty-two points!!!
Tony: Jedi wins.
McGee: I'm challenging!
Gibbs: [walking in] You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.
[McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in,
haphazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd
look and the team gets ready to go.]
McGee: Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.
Tony: So he didn't actually lose.
McGee: Correct!
Gibbs: So he wasn't actually humiliated.
[Ziva and Tony look at each other and chuckle on their way out.]
McGee: [hurries after them, muttering] "Kwee"....



[Ziva is confusing Tony as they talk at the crime scene.]
Tony: We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.
Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.
Tony: Doing what with?
Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Tony: [confused look] Done... what?
Ziva: Done!
Ducky: In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Tony: Not this queen.



Ducky: Jimmy, I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death.
But until then, I would greatly appreciate your assistance here.



Palmer: How do you do it?
Gibbs: Hmm?
Palmer: Block out fear.
Gibbs: You don't. It's what you do with it.



[Palmer follows the team in his car.]
Gibbs: What are you doing here?!
Palmer: I thought I could help...
Gibbs: What part of "stay" don't you understand?! Stay! Palmer, you stay in
the car!



[Palmer stops the suspect fleeing by crashing his car.]
Gibbs: What the hell were you thinking?!
Palmer: I did not get out of the car.
[edit] Judgment Day [5.18,19]Ziva: We could have made it.
Tony: The needle is below E, E stands for empty, we have less than empty, and
we don't even know where it is!
Ziva: We could have made it.
Ziva and Tony: [at same time] What!
Tony: slightly annoyed, gets out of the car and starts pumping gas Why don't
you make yourself useful?
Ziva: What?
Tony: I said, why don't you make yourself useful?
Ziva: What do you want me to do? Hold your nozzle?
Tony: Get us a map [Ziva makes a face, gets out of the car and starts walking
to the store] ...And some white powder doughnuts and the blue ice gatorade.
[she pauses, smacks her ass and keeps walking without turning around.]



Ziva: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.



Ziva: [to Tony] First movie quote I hear, I am driving.



Tony: She doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I learned about the
Director's private wars, it's that it's best to stay away -- for her and for
us! She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. Besides, it's probably a
coincidence anyway, and she's behind one of those expensive windows munching
on over-priced cashews courtesy of Mr. Out-of-Town.



Franks: Might be hard to believe, but I was in love once. Her name was Maggie.
She had it all, quick as a fox, great curves, trusted her with my life.
Shepard: What happened?
Franks: Traded for a Harley-Davidson when the transmission blew.



Tony: She died alone.
Ziva: We are all alone.
Tony: Yeah, thanks for that.



Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.
Ziva: The two of them alone in another world.
Tony: Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.
Ziva: Not to mention the long nights.
Tony: It was inevitable.
Ziva: Nothing is inevitable.



Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony/Ziva: No./Yes.
Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Tony/Ziva: Yes./No.
Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony/Ziva: [together] Gibbs.
Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.
[edit] Season 6[edit] Last Man Standing [6.01]Ducky: Mr. Palmer, tell Gibbs he
can send in the B-team.
Gibbs: Implies there's an A-team, Duck.
Ducky: Isn't there?



Gibbs: Anything else?
Abby: A number.
Gibbs: One, two, six?
Abby: One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee
and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple
digits, Gibbs! But now it's way more! It's like a third of a whole year! I
miss them!
Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.
Abby: It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three
musketeers.



Tony: [talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent]
Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox
will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous,
blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?
Gibbs: [walking on-sceen so that Tony can see him] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
Tony: [startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome
aboard.
Gibbs: Got work to do.
Tony: I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?
McGee: Are you alone?
Tony: Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE!
[looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.
Gibbs: Working on it.



Tony: Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?
McGee: We are not hacking, Tony.
Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm
having fun.



Eli David: You know, Leon, sometimes, those who know me ask me directly -- the
brave among them -- but most of the time the others, I can feel them looking
at me and silently wondering, how can a father possibly raise his daughter to
be a professional killer?
Vance: A question that I've never asked you because I know the answer.
Eli David: Every day is a fight to survive. It is my dream that my daughter
will not have to make that decision with her sons and her daughters; I would
like my grandchildren to be doctors and architects, to live a happy life, to
grow fat and old. [pause] You want her back, don't you.
Vance: Yes, Eli, I want her back.
Eli David: Tell me, Leon, are we winning?
Vance: I don't know, Eli.
Eli David: I like to think we are... and then there's something else: a
bombing, a kidnapping, an atrocity. Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end
of the spear.
Vance: Thank you, Eli.
[edit] Agent Afloat [6.02]Ziva: Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy
guitar?
McGee: That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play
Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.
Ziva: So our killer is an axe murderer.



Abby: Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.
McGee: It's not what?
Abby: It's snot.
McGee: It's not?
Abby: Yeah, it is.
McGee: It's what?
Abby: Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.
McGee: Well, why didn't you just say that?



Tony: What?
Ziva: You seem, um... different.
Tony: Taller? Hotter?
Ziva: Older.
Tony: Well, it's been over four months.
Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
Ziva: Drinking?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
[Ziva touches his shoulder]
Ziva: You could have called.



Ziva: So this is where you have been for the past few months
Tony: Yes, just like the squad room, only I am the squad and there is no room.



Ziva: McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.
Tony: Guess he forgot.
Ziva: Then perhaps I should remind him.
Tony: Go easy on the lad, he's had a rough summer.
Ziva: Well, we all have.
Tony: I think it was especially difficult for McGeek. Doesn't handle change
well, never has.
Ziva: He seems fine.
Tony: [scoffs] Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You
know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.
Ziva: [laughs] McGee?
Tony: Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs... I mean,
everyone knows how close those two are.
Ziva: McGee was in the sub-basement, Tony. They had lunch every week.
Tony: It's not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to
them, relying on them, and suddenly they're not there...
Ziva: It's all part of the job.
Tony: Doesn't make it any easier... for McGee.



Tony: Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.
Ziva: And he overdoses.
Tony: Hell of a coinky-dink.
Ziva: What's a kwinkadink?
Tony: Coincidence.
Ziva: You believe this is a dwinkakwink?
Tony: Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.
[edit] Capitol Offence [6.03]Tony: What's going on here?
McGee: Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.
Ziva: You are such a control geek.
Tony: Freak.
Ziva: Yes, that too.



Tony: So you stayed at Ab's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?
Ziva: It is a one-bedroom apartment.
Tony: One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?
Ziva: You want the truth?
Tony: Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.
Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay
over... on the couch... in my pajamas.
Tony: Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?



Tony: So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no
explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd
he get that?
McGee: Maybe he's bluffing.
Tony: Uh-uh. It was on the nose.
Ziva: Whose nose?
Tony: On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you
went back to Israel. You've reverted.



Gibbs: Abby, what are you doing?
Abby: A boundary has been crossed. I've been violated. Nothing is sacred
anymore.
Gibbs: Yeah? Tell me.
Abby: Someone stole my cupcake.



McGee: Hey. You looking for me, Tony?
Abby: No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?
McGee: No.
Abby: What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?
McGee: What is she talking about?
Ziva: The cupcake.
Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big
fat finger print.
McGee: Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal
your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.
Abby: You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints,
mine and yours.
McGee: You said you were going gluten-free.
Abby: Where is it, McGee?
McGee: I was saving you from yourself, Abby.
Abby: Where did you save it, McGee?
McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in
the break room was empty and it looked so good.
Tony: [hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic
scientist. [dope-slaps him]
Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]
Abby: So, how was it?
McGee: It was life-changing.
[edit] Heartland [6.04]Ziva: I'll call Tony.
McGee: I'll call Abby. [they both run]
Ziva & McGee: [via webcam] Gibbs has a father!
Tony & Abby: Tell me everything!



Ziva: Do you feel that?
McGee: [digging through trash] What? Week-old bananas?
Ziva: No. We are being watched.
McGee: How do you do that?



[Flashback to 1976 when Gibbs meets his wife, Shannon, for the first time]
Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train, too? [she nods] We could sit together.
Shannon: I don't know. It's a long ride, but I guess you're not a lumberjack.
Gibbs: No.
Shannon: I have a rule. It's either rule number one or number three: never
date a lumberjack.
Gibbs: You got a rule for everything?
Shannon: I'm working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's
your name?
Gibbs: Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Shannon: I'm just gonna call you Gibbs.
Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.
Shannon: I'm Shannon.
[edit] Nine Lives [6.05]Gibbs: You enjoying yourself, Abs?
Abby: Yes!!! [looking at Gibbs] But you're not. Sorry.



Gibbs: Thanks, Abs. You can go back to your mold now.
Abby: Aw, Gibbs. You say the sweetest things.



Abby: What do you see?
McGee: Um, french vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
Abby: Interesting. [flipping to another picture] What now?
McGee: Um.
Abby: You can say it. We're grown-ups, McGee. Say it.
McGee: Sex.
Abby: Mold sex, actually. Practically mold porn.
McGee: Why are you showing me mold porn?



Ziva: I'm intrigued by how intrigued you are by this, Tony.
Tony: And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued.



Tony: Nesiah tova. [Hebrew, "have a safe trip"]
Ziva: See you next week.
[edit] Murder 2.0 [6.06]Tony: [as Norman Bates] My mother isn’t quite herself
today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.
Ziva: You certainly have your moments!
Tony: A movie, Ziva.
[...]
Tony: [as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Psycho.
Gibbs: He has his moments.



Tony: Hey, you haven’t forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?
Ziva: Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!
Tony: What are friends for?!



Tony: [Referring to the serial killer] Someone wasn't hugged enough as a
child.



Tony: Nice girl, wasn't my type though.
Ziva: Really? She was breathing.
Tony: Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I’d be dating you.



McGee: My CPU is too small.
Tony: I'm gonna let that slide.
[edit] Collateral Damage [6.07]Agent Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?
Tony: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be
interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees?
That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all
true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or
heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.



Ducky: Dwayne Wilson...
Gibbs: He’s a baby agent.
Ducky: And I’m looking at his personnel report because...?
Gibbs: That’s your thing!
Ducky: My thing? [pause] Ah, I take it that Agent Wilson is alive.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.
Ducky: So you don’t want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing.
Psychological profile?



McGee: No, you went back too far.
Ziva: I got it.
McGee: No, you went back too far.
Ziva: That’s why I’m going fast forward now.
McGee: Hey, just... let me do is. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this
like you handle your car!
Ziva: And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my
mouse!



Tony: It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You
don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!
Gibbs: Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?
Tony: You are very right, boss.



Ziva: I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door.
They answer, you shoot them. Easy.
[Gibbs smiles]
McGee: [shocked] For some.



Tony: I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.
Ziva: Meaning?
Tony: Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.
[edit] Cloak [6.08]Ziva: What is this place?
Soldier: It's classified.
Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the
Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
Ziva and McGee: [in unison] Unicorn!



Ziva: [hiding with Tony in a closet] Stop breathing! [Tony stops breathing as
guard walks past]



Abby: Stop interogating me, McGee!
McGee: Stop acting weird!
Abby: I am weird!



Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation
during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.
Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!
Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.
Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.
Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that
part earlier.
Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have
learned to follow orders.
Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall
that you were the first one to throw a punch.
Ziva: It was a reflex!
Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before
the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was
that a reflex?
Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]
Tony: I'm tired of pretending.
Ziva: So am I.



McGee: Wonder what they are doing up there.
Tony: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby: Tony!
McGee: Well, it is treason, Abby.
Abby: McGeeeehee!
Tony: What else can they do? There’s no way she walks out of here.
Ziva: No way.
Lee: Good night everyone! [Walks out]
[edit] Dagger [6.09]McGee: [getting navigation set up for Tony and Ziva to go
after a lead] There is a built in compass so you don't get lost.
Tony: Don't worry, McScout. We've got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for
yes.
Ziva: [growls]



[McGee is on the phone with Tony, concerned he's lost their signal]
Tony: Define 'lost', McGee. I know exactly where we are. We're between a tree
and a bush, directly underneath the earth's sun.
McGee: Well you're not showing up on the map, let me restart the scan.
Tony: You might wanna hurry. Ziva's turning in circles; either the trail's
gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.



Tony: I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.



Tony: McGPS, are we close to anything?



Tony: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a
kid?
Ziva: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean that you know
*everything* about them.
Tony: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...
Ziva: I MEANT, I understand someone wanting to keep their personal and
professional lives seperate, as should you. It did not end very well, when you
fell in love when you were undercover, did it?
Tony: ...Thanks for the memory.



Ziva: [putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else,
why not me?
Lee: I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.
Ziva: I do.
Lee: ...You would do what I did?
Ziva: [Reffering to her ear piece] That too tight?
Lee: It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?
Ziva: Probabaly not.



Ziva: Red apples. That's good Amanda.
Tony: Breakfast is served, my lady a chocolate chip cookie [Amanda saying
Thank you] and some hot cocoa.
Ziva: Your aunt will be here soon to pick you up.
Amanda: Thank you for helping me with my drawing, Ziva.
Gibbs: You are one brave little girl Amanda.
Amanda: Where's Mi - Shi? [walking over to window] What happened to your hand?
Gibbs: [Gibbs hands Agent Lee's badge to Amanda] Mi-Shi would want you to have
that.
[edit] Road Kill [6.10][Tony has taken his picture on his computer]
McGee: I'm not even going to ask.
Ziva: Allow me. [To Tony] What are you doing, Tony?
Tony: Best deep in thought face.
Ziva: I guess there's a first time for everything.
Tony: [As the computer displays his picture] Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24.
Beat this one. [Puts it on the webpage] Yeah, baby.
McGee: [Reading the website name] Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online
with anyone at anything.
Tony: Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar.
Look at that guy. Best "do the Hustle." [McGee walks back to his desk] I mean,
you name it, they got it.
Ziva: The Hustle?
Tony: The Hustle. Saturday Night Fever? Travolta. [Mimics dancing in his
chair]
Ziva: [Laughs sarcastically] What is the point?
Tony: What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you
know, having a good time.
Ziva: I meant the web site, Tony.
Tony: It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.
Ziva: I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.
Tony: Really? Do tell.
Ziva: The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know.
Child's play. Tell him, McGee. [Tony looks over in McGee's direction, as does
Ziva. Both look at him oddly] McGee?
[Cut to McGee making a contorted face]
McGee: [on the same web site] Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face
here.
Tony: It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the
eyebrow. See what I'm saying? [Holds his hand in front of McGee as he
continues making the contorted look] See how that reads? See that?
McGee: [With contorted face] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Tony: That's what you want.
Gibbs: Would you two like some time alone together?



Man on Ship: You the Navy Cops?
Tony: Yeah, my seahorse is double-parked outside. You ought to see the lights.



Ziva: I remember my first fight. I was eight. Shemer Rubenstein.
Tony: Sounds like a real stud.
Ziva: One punch and it was over.
Tony: What did Shemer Rubenstein do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.



Tony: Look, everybody enjoys a good book, but don't you ever have the urge to
just act a little...
Ziva: Childish?
Tony: Silly. Stupid. Brainless.
Ziva: Like you?
Tony: Exactly.
Ziva: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you
grow up. Fast. You have no choice.
Tony: Now you do.
[edit] Silent Night [6.11]Ducky: Something wrong, Jethro?
Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty
Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. [hands Ducky a file]
His death certificate.
Ducky: Oh, dear. [chuckles] Someone's in trouble. [looks at the certificate] I
signed it?!



Abby: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby: Gibbs, you're not helping.



Abby: I like everything about Christmas. Except for that Chipmunk song. And
shopping... I never know what to get anyone. Especially Gibbs! What do you get
for the guy who has nothing and wants... nothing.
Ducky: Some squeaky shoes.
Abby: [startles, looking behind her] Hi, Gibbs!
[edit] Caged [6.12]McGee: (on the phone with his mechanic) ...So, how much?
Tony: One octave or two?
Ziva: Two.
McGee: [high-pitched] $600?!



Ziva: Her name is Hannah, and she's asked me out to lunch, twice.
Tony: You? [blinks and considers]
Ziva: Did your rocketship just take a nosedive?
Tony: No. It just landed on a different planet.



Ziva: There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.
McGee: [looks from her to Tony and smiles] Thank you, Ziva. [leaves]
Tony: He's toast, isn't he?
Ziva: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.



Abby: They haven't hurt McGee, have they?
Ziva: We have not heard anything.
Tony: [holds evidence box] Got something for ya from Trimble's apartment,
Abby. We need to figure all this stuff out before sunset.
Abby: Define 'before sunset'!
Tony: Before the sun goes down.
Abby: [looks frustrated and sighs, grabbing the box and heads to table]
Abby: The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh
one?
Ziva: Before sunset.
Abby: That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you
guys go out, and I never know if you're gonna make it back, [Tony and Ziva
exchange a look as she mutters] and it's killing me. I can't sleep at night
and I'm developing this sort of weird twitch.
Ziva: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby: Then get a safer job.
Tony: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby: [frowns] True. Still...sucks!



Ziva: I checked Trimble's phone records, Gibbs. One person called him over 150
times last month. It was another prison guard by the name of Brenda Carter.
Tony: Five calls a day. I give her an eight on the DiNozzo psycho chick meter.
Ten being Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Look at those eyes; crazy eyes!



McGee: [on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by
the end of today...
Tony: One octave or two?
McGee: Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the
first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to
find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me
when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Tony: Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?
McGee: I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly
as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's
ticking.
Abby: Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!
[edit] Broken Bird [6.13]McGee: [seeing a large package on his desk] Oh,
goody, they're here!
Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!
Ziva: What is it?
McGee: [opens box, pulling out an old computer] This is my Mac SE. Got it for
my eleventh birthday. [lovingly] She's my first!
Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?
Ziva: Going to?



Palmer: You're very calm.
Abby: I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm
going to have to have my mail forwarded.



Gibbs: The last thing she said was "You killed my brother". Any idea why she
would've said that?
Ducky: Probably because I killed her brother.
[edit] Love & War [6.14][Tony and Ziva yelling into their desk telephones]
Tony: I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!
Ziva: Four hours! Four hours! That is how long I waited for your cable
repairman! Four hours!
Tony: You already said that! No! I will not reboot again! I will never reboot
it again!
Ziva: Reschedule?! So you can waste another Saturday?!
Tony: Just tell me you have no idea how to fix the problem, then we can both
get on with our lives!
[Tony and Ziva slam their phones down in disgust]
Ziva: Someone will die today.



Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.



Ziva: You have to tell him the truth.
Tony: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.



McGee: We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.
Ziva: Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.
Tony: No pun intended?
Ziva: Actually, it was.
Tony: Well, in that case, nicely done.



Tony: It's like I said, it's always the maid.
Ziva: No. You have said it is always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone
assigned to work in Abby's lab, but you have never once said maid.
Tony: Anyone ever tell you that your memory can be a real buzz kill?
[...]
Tony: Who do you think she's working for? Chinese? Russians?
Ziva: Cubans. After all, she is Cuban.
Tony: That's way too obvious. Haven't I taught you anything?
[edit] Deliverance [6.15]Tony: Melinda. [looks into his little black book,
then prevents Ziva from taking it]
Ziva: How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?
Tony: It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.
Ziva: You don't go to the gym.
Tony: Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.
McGee: You don't have a dog.
Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my
date was in the bathroom.
Ziva: You need a secretary.
McGee: Or a therapist.
Gibbs: Or both.



Ziva: Beretta's, 9mm?
Staff Sgt. Medina: Feel free.
Ziva: Do you mind?
Medina: Not at all, ma'am. Do your best.
Tony: [sighs] Oh, God.
Medina: Stand by at station two for live fire.
Ziva: [fires once and clears the round] I prefer the Sig.
Medina: A lot of women have trouble with the Beretta. Think it has too much of
a kick.
Ziva: Your sight is a few millimeters off.
Medina: Really?
Tony: [shows Medina the target with a bullet hole in the head] Really.



Tony: Popeye Carmano? NCIS. Are we all listening to the same song? Let me
guess. Ricky Martin fans, Livin' La Vida Loca.
Carmano: You gotta leave, man.
Tony: But we just got here!
Carmano: Yeah, but it's a very dangerous neighborhood.
Tony: That's why I brought her.
Carmano: La bonita es un Federale.
Rico: Federales es un buena.
Tony: La bonita will kick your ass.



Ziva: Sit down
Carmano: I ain't sittin' down.
Ziva: Sientate! Or do you want la bonita to sit your ass down?
[edit] Bounce [6.16]McGee: Who would want to impersonate Tony?
Ziva: Perhaps Jack Nicholson? You know, impersonation revenge?



Tony: Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms,
they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs!
Abby: Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister
Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --
Tony: Mr. Giggles?!
Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Tony: Not Gibbs!
Abby: Okay. Tell me. I can take it.
Tony: Well, he's just upstairs --
Abby: Wait! I can't.
Tony: Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]
Abby: Oh! [smiles brightly]



McGee: So Tony is in charge again.
Ziva: Yes.
McGee: How do you feel about it?
Ziva: Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not
agree?
McGee: Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the
boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's
like -- he's behind me, isn't he?
Tony: Smirking.



Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the
agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo but the killer didn't know
that. If I'm him I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent.
Hmmm. Maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our
motive we just need our killer.
Tony: May of just found him. Abby just matched a print from Renny's hotel room
to one of his former coworkers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear Up. (Ziva and
McGee stare at Gibbs blankly)
Gibbs: What?
McGee: We've just never heard you say that much at one time.
Ziva: Or in a week.
Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on.
[edit] South by Southwest [6.17]Tony: A law firm in London wants me to call
them. Says it's important.
Ziva: What could they want?
Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral
I went to last month?
Ziva: Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some
time off.



Sheriff Boyd: You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding
a horse is like making love, you got to relax and enjoy it.
Tony: Sheriff, I have a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both of those
activities in really different ways. No disrespect.



Tony: [after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your
buttocks?
Gibbs: You're gonna feel worse in the morning.



Gibbs: Any word on Dina Risi?
Sheriff Boyd: No. We tried all our sources. No one seems to know where she
went.
Gibbs: You know her?
Sheriff Boyd: Well, I met her. She was chained to a tree, I was the one with
the bolt cutters and handcuffs.



Ziva: You're counting your eggs before they're laid.
Tony: Operative word is 'laid'.



[Tony has trouble controlling his horse; it's turning in circles]
Tony: Uh oh, sheriff, I think he lost a contact.
[edit] Knockout [6.18][Tony and Tara inside the elevator]
Tony: For some reason you can see right through my disguise.
Tara: How bad's the dry spell?
Tony: Saharan.
Tara: Never been a problem before?
Tony: You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the
second grade.
Tara: What's changed?
Tony: Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.
Tara: Messed you up pretty bad, huh?
Tony: Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life.
I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get
it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my
head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at
dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I
scare 'em off.
Tara: Crying.
Tony: Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.
Tony: Let's skip to the last step.
Tara: That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the
switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]



Tara: Thank you, Anthony, you're very sweet- my patron saint.
Tony: Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself
from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost
something.
Tara: So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?
Tony: How do you know I've lost something?
Tara: [laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.



Gibbs: Abs, what do you got?
Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with
you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.
Gibbs: I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]
Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of
Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these
.45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's
pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your
curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should
be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to
counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.



Abby: Great, now I have to build a freaking coffin!



Vance: Whaddaya say David? Wanna go a few rounds?
Ziva: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
Vance: Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.
Issac: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Ziva: Another time.
Vance: Just say when.



Tony: [standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need
your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight,
Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie,
hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if
you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even
a small reward.
[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing
next to the desk he is on]
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or
marbles...
Gibbs: Job.



Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Tony: You're never making me breakfast!
Ziva: That is the truth!
Tony: It's supposed to be "eggs".
Ziva: Cook them yourself!



Tara: Teek? Is that you?
Vance: You have a decision to make Tara. Do we walk out of here, or do I carry
you?
[edit] Hide and Seek [6.19]Ziva: This reminds me of the forests I used to have
fun in as a child.
Tony: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva: What, that Israel had forests?
Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.
Ziva: [laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle
of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.
Tony: I stand corrected.



Tony: McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in
when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?
McGee: Don't need to see it - I lived it.



Abby: Okay, the victim, Leonard Caswell, postal worker. He was shot at point
blank range by Robert Perry. It's kind of funny; a non-postal worker going
postal on a postal worker. Not funny like, ha-ha funny, but funny like
comically absurdly amusing funny. Like irony, comedy is very subjective.



Gibbs: How was the pawn shop?
Ziva: I hit a stone wall.
Tony: It's a brick wall.
Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.



Gibbs: Abs, music?
Abby: I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my
cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them.
[indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's
supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence.
[sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.



McGee: I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag
H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.
Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.
[edit] Dead Reckoning [6.20]Perry: Any word on my immunity?
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin
C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.



Kort: Secret lovers could no longer live in a lie.



Ziva: [on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.
Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??
Perry: Did she get my medicine?!
Ziva: I'm going around the back.
Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in
the door] Should we go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What is she going to do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.
Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws
two pistols]
Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.
Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.
Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?
Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]
Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!
Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]
Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]



Tony: [in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned
deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large
homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!



McGee: Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.
Abby: They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean,
how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had
Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.
McGee: Any luck?
Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I
ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs,
Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.
McGee: You ran your own home phone records?
Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.



Tony: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you
can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]
Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.
Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an
international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied
to me, wall!
[edit] Toxic [6.21]Abby: Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and
full of joy. I envy you, Tony.
Tony: Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?
McGee: Is everything okay?
Abby: No. Frank is sick.
Ziva: Who is Frank?
Abby: My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally
going to the dentist.
Tony: You name your teeth?
Abby: You don't?



Ziva: This is nice. Being able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It
is almost as if he cannot go on for more than thirty seconds without hearing
his own voice. You know, the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize
just how irritating he is to those around him.
Gibbs: Ziva!
Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Babbling.



Abby: Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.
Tony: Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.
Gibbs: He didn't build it to kill someone.
Tony: He built it to sell it.
Abby: [sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons
dealer.



Abby: [to Gibbs] I can hear you staring.



Abby: Did I miss it?
Ziva: No, he's letting him sit.
Abby: Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!
[edit] Legend: Part 1 [6.22][As they walk into the squad room]
McGee: Tony, I am not arguing with you.
Tony: You're arguing now.
McGee: No I am not.
Tony: Are too.
McGee: This is not an argument.
Tony: Yes it is.
McGee: (exasperated) No, it's not.
Tony: Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...
[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up
about the man on the other end before she snatches it]
Tony: (wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?
McGee: (gives him a look) We were not arguing.
Tony: Oh, right. Yes we were.
McGee: Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that
you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about
nothing at all... you just want to argue.
Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's
bantering.
McGee: No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.
Tony: (grins) Go onnn...
McGee: (looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn
to get the coffee. Go.



Tony: Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?
Ziva: You're jealous.
Tony: I'm not jealous.
Ziva: Yes, you are.
Tony: No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.
McGee: Argue!
Tony: Am not!



Tony: He got a name?
Ziva: Who?
Tony: The star of David.
Ziva: Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.
Tony: Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?
Ziva: Michael.
Tony: Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.
Gibbs: Okay, grab your toothbrush.
McGee: Road trip?
Gibbs: Los Angeles.
Tony: Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?
Gibbs: Not we. [Points to McGee]
Tony: McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!



Abby: Are you going somewhere?
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby: Into the lionesses den?!
Gibbs: [Kisses her cheek] I'm taking McGee.
Abby: Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come
back.
Gibbs: I'll bring him home, Abs. [Walks away]
Abby: Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.



Tony: Get any more hits on our secret thing?
Abby: Do you know how busy I've been?
Tony: I know how busy you've been.
Abby: Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right,
Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of
Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --
Tony: Ziva's father.
Abby: She must know Rivkin.
Tony: You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes
file]
Abby: Tony.
Tony: I mean it.
[edit] Legend: Part 2 [6.23]Tony: [Speaking of Abby] Ignore her, probie, she's
suffering Gibbs withdrawal. Transferring it onto you because of a deep seated
fear that Gibbs may withhold love and give her a first time head slap if he
came back and saw his desk festooned in balloons and decorated like some tacky
Tiki bar with messages of affection written possibly in blood. She ain't
missin' you at all!



Tony: Are we fighting?
Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.
Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.



Tony: I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.
Ziva: Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!
Tony: Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!
[edit] Semper Fidelis [6.24]Tony: Here come the clowns.
McGee: The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.
Tony: Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around
like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after
Steve McQueen.
McGee: Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --
Tony: But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.



Ziva: He did not get out this way.
Foster-Yates: Unless could cross a lawn without bending a blade of grass.
Ziva: Not impossible with the proper training.
Tony: She can also do that trick where you put your ear to a rail and you can
hear a train coming.
Foster-Yates: You get the same training?
Tony: Me? No. But I can eat a bucket of chicken in one sitting, and I have
x-ray vision.



Foster-Yates: So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?
Tony: No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions.
Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?
Ziva: [from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few
branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that
gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.
McGee: Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.
Ziva: I'm up a tree.
McGee: Well, this might only confuse you further.
Ziva: Well, who said I was confused?
McGee: You said you were up a tree.
Ziva: I am!
Tony: Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.
Ziva: I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I
did call.'] He's not making any sense.
McGee: And you're the one not making sense.
Ziva: He said he called you.
Tony: [looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting
a signal and I'm not?
Ziva: Because I'm up a tree.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: Ohhh. We often solve cases like this.



Ziva: Goodnight.
Tony: Night. [watches Ziva leave]
Gibbs: Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.
Tony: I would never date a co-worker, boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you
even -- [Gibbs smiles slightly] -- that's twelve. Eleven: when the job is
done, walk away.
[...]
Gibbs: So, what's on your mind?
Tony: Rivkin's been in town.
Gibbs: I know.
Tony: With Ziva?
Gibbs: The guy doesn't listen.
Tony: Does that bother you on a professional level or a personal one?
Gibbs: I'll tell you what. I'm having a little trouble untangling the two.
Tony: So you are bothered.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.
[edit] Aliyah [6.25]Gibbs: [about Tony] I am going to see him again, right,
Leon?
Ziva: He will not be harmed. Only two people have the authority to do that.
Vance: Your father's one. The other?
Ziva: Me.



Tony: I had no choice.
Ziva: That's a lie.
Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?
Ziva: To save your worthless ass.
Tony: From who, Vance? Mossad?
Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Tony: For you. He was playing you Ziva.
Ziva: And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?
Tony: I did what I had to do.
Ziva: You killed him!
Tony: If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's
the way you'd prefer it?
Ziva: Perhaps I would.
Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take
a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!
Ziva: Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.
Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's
bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got
his ass kicked by a chump like me.
Ziva: You took advantage of him.
Tony: He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]
Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He
was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.
Tony: I see you read my report.
Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked
away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.
Tony: You weren't there.
Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.
Tony: You-weren't-there.
Ziva: But I should have been.
Tony: You loved him?
Ziva: I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]



Eli: My daughter speaks very highly of you.
Gibbs: She's a good agent.
Eli: Liaison Officer
Gibbs: She's one of us.
Eli: So she tells me.
Gibbs: (referring to Tony who's in interrogation) So's the guy in there.



Eli: Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.
Tony: it's okay. I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after
tweleve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.
Eli: Your sarcasim is noted.
Tony: So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zegna? Cavalli? Got good
taste.
Eli: I' m not ceratain how my apparel applies to your visit.
Tony: And I'm not certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit.
All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I
interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and
nothing you do is going to intimidate me.
Eli: Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual
discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue
with your childish arrogance, I promise you will.
(Cut to Vnace and Gibbs watching them in another room... live feed on a TV
screen)
Vance: How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back
in DC!
Gibbs: You shoulda checked his bags.
Vance: I thought you said your boy was up to this.
Gibbs: You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own
way.
Vance: You call this a fight, he better start showing me something.
Gibbs: Take him off the team, he already has.
(Cut back to Eli and Tony)
Eli: Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of
of who you are. Your achievements.. and your misjudgments.
Tony: Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just clarify
I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little
chatty.
Eli: Do you know who I am?
Tony: You're the Director of Mossade ... and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not
sure which one's asking the questions.
Eli:' Sometimes it's hard to separate. And it appears you have had difficulty
separating your work from your emotions as well. You believed Officer Rivkin
was bad?
Tony: He killed an American agent.
Eli: An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind
that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that
Officer Rivkin would be at Ziva's apartment.You went there to confront him.



Eli David: With traffic, I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli David: Enough said.



Eli David: When did you start wearing so much makeup?
Ziva: Nice to see you, too.



Saleem Ulman: [to a hostage Ziva] Tell me everything you know about NCIS.
[edit] Season 7[edit] Truth or Consequences [7.01][Tony is being interrogated.
Flashback to a Navy ship, where an enormous sailor hopped up on
methamphetamine is going berserk.]
Tony: You hit him high, I'll hit him low!
McGee: I don't like the sound of that...
Tony: You hit him low, I'll hit him high!
[They tackle the sailor.]
Tony: (v.o.) Our team consisted of a gang of four. My partner is Tim McGee:
small muscles, big brain, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually
unstoppable... virtually.
McGee: I got him... Tony, he's going for the knife!
[The sailor raises the knife, Gibbs appears and throws him to the ground,
applying a choke hold with his boot that knocks the sailor out.]
Tony: (v.o.) Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee afficianado, and functional
mute.
McGee: (panting) Piece of cake.
Tony: (panting) Yep, easy as pie.



[After McGee's initial refusal to fix Tony's home computer for free.]
Tony: Come on, computers are your thing! If I had a thing I'd want to show it
off.
Gibbs: There are rules against that, DiNozzo.



[Tony and McGee are driving through the Somali desert in a Jeep, in the middle
of a sandstorm]
McGee: (speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.
Tony: C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.
McGee: On my own time.
Tony: On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!



Saleem Ulman: [leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting
them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents.
I am concerned that US forces might be mobilized. One of you will tell me the
identities and locations of the operatives in the area, and the other will
die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who
lives. [leaves the room]
Tony: [smiles painfully at Ziva] So... how was your summer?



Ziva: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?
Tony: [nods] You're welcome. So, are you glad to see me?
Ziva: You should not have come.
Tony: All right, then. Good catching up. I'll be going now. [tries to stand,
but is chained to the chair] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles] Taken prisoner!
Ziva: Are you all right, McGee?
McGee: I'm just glad you're alive.
Ziva: You thought I was dead?
Tony: Oh, yeah.
Ziva: Then why are you here?
Tony: McGee -- McGee didn't think you were dead.
Ziva: Tony! Why are you here?
Tony: [painful pause as Tony tries fight the truth serum] Couldn't live
without you, I guess.
Ziva: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.
Tony: Okay. Tried, couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of
truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't know the answer to --
Ziva: I did not ask for anyone to put themselves in harm's way for me. I do
not deserve it.
Tony: Is that what you're doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience?
Penance?
Ziva: It is justified.
Tony: Get over yourself.
Ziva: I have.



Ulman:[while he is holding a knife to Ziva's throat] I don't make bargains.
Tony: Do you make pizza?



Tony: There's something I haven't told you, yet.
Ulman: What is that?
Tony: I've told you about the brains. I've told you about the guts. I've told
you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you
about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.
Ulman: Which is?
Tony: I'm the wildcard. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him
and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right, but I'm
not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. You know,
where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot full of truth serum. He picks his
cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem.
Ulman: [sneers] You're still bound. You're lying.
Tony: I can't lie. And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you.
Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?
[Ulman looks to the window in horror; a shot rings out and he falls to the
floor, clearly dead. Crash zoom through the cell window to a sand dune
hundreds of yards away, atop of which lies Gibbs in full camo with his sniper
rifle.]
Gibbs: [into radio] Go.



[After he, Gibbs, and McGee, by themselves, rescue Ziva from a terrorist base
in Somalia.]
Tony: Just your typical day at the office.
[edit] Reunion [7.02]Tony: Taking the tour?
Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.
Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.
Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs]
I'm sorry, that --
Tony: No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva
looks away] Sorry.



Ziva: Hello, Abby.
Abby: [turns off her music] What the hell is wrong with you?! How could you
have doubted Tony after everything you've been through together? Do you really
think that Tony killed Rivkin because he was jealous?!
Ziva: Abby, please calm-
Abby: You weren't thinking, that's what! You weren't thinking! [begins pacing]
Although I suppose I could understand your initial reaction. You were at an
emotional time for you and for people to act rationally. [stops] But to tell
Gibbs that you didn't trust Tony?! [paces] Which I guess I could also
understand, because I guess he did just shoot your boyfriend... in your living
room... to death. All right, I'll give you that one. [stops] But this is Tony
we're talking about here! All soft and goofy on the outside and 100% rock on
the inside! And after everything you accused him of, he risked his life to go
save you! You should be ashamed of yourself! [paces] Even though in hindsight
it is starting to make a little bit more sense now. [stops] But either way,
the ball is in your court! It is Tony one and Ziva zilch! This is your move,
and it had better be a good one...! Oh, God. I was so worried about you. [hugs
Ziva]
Ziva: I know.
[Abby remotely activates a welcome home banner with streamers, causing Ziva to
smile.]



Ziva: When you shot Michael I almost killed you where you stood.
Tony: I wasn't standing.
Ziva: No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup,
completely violating protocol.
Tony: And double parked.
Ziva: Yes, I noticed. But that does not matter. Just like it does not matter
how it worked out for Michael.
Tony: So what does?
Ziva: That you had my back. That you have always had my back. And that I was
wrong to question your motives.
Tony: So why did you?
Ziva: I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust
you.
Tony: I thought you weren't sure what to say?
Ziva: I guess I had a long time to think about things.
Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva.
Ziva: No. It is I who am sorry. [kisses Tony on the cheek]



Ziva: We need to talk.
Gibbs: Sit down.
Ziva: When I came to see you and said I wanted back, you said it was the
director's call, but I sensed your hesitation. I sense it now, even though I
thought I made myself clear. I understand what you did in Israel --
Gibbs: Your brother Ari.
Ziva: You know what happened that night. I was here.
Gibbs: I want to hear it from you. You had orders to kill your brother to earn
my trust.
Ziva: Yes.
Gibbs: That's a problem.
Ziva: You don't understand.
Gibbs: You're damn right I don't understand!
Ziva: When I volunteered for that mission --
Gibbs: You killed your own brother, Ziva!
Ziva: It is because I hoped my father was wrong about Ari, and I did not want
someone else blindly following orders! I volunteered to protect him, Gibbs!
Gibbs: You lied to me.
Ziva: No, when I told you Ari was innocent, I believed it! But yes, I would
have lied to you. He was my brother and you were nothing. But I was wrong
about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not
following orders. I mean, how could you even think -- he was my brother. And
now he is gone, Eli is all but dead to me... [fighting tears] And the closest
thing I have to a father is accusing me.
Gibbs: ...Okay.
[edit] The Inside Man [7.03]Tony: You failed your polygraph! That's not good.
McGee: No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.
Tony: Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't
make the mistake of coming out, did you?
McGee: I don't have anything to come out about.
Tony: Stick to that story, McQueen.



Ziva: That is total salami!
Tony: Baloney.



Abby: I only take orders from one person: Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Unless he asks me to do it, it doesn't get done!
Sportelli: I think that's going to change, honey!
Abby: Gibbs! Make this awful man go away!



McGee: Is that pastrami?
Tony: [nods] Mm-hmm.
McGee: Can I have a bite?
Tony: Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.
McGee: I don't like pickles.
Tony: I know.
McGee: I hope you choke on that sandwich.



Ziva: Being stuck at that desk has given me a lot of time to think. Being a
visitor here is wrong.
Gibbs: What does that mean, Ziva?
Ziva: I need your signature on this. I want to be an NCIS agent.
Gibbs: I don't even know if that's possible. You would have to resign from
Mossad.
Ziva: Already have. Sent my father an email.
Gibbs: Hmm. Now what's he think about that?
Ziva: It does not matter.
[edit] Good Cop, Bad Cop [7.04]Ziva: You cannot even work your email properly!
You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes
to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gi -- [looks around the room
quickly]
Tony: [chuckles] You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because
sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.



Ziva: You cannot trust a man whose loyalty has a price.



Ziva: Are you following orders?
Gibbs: Your father, Ziva. He's not a good guy. He's dirty.
Ziva: You cannot say no to him. Not a second time.
Gibbs: [to Ben-Gidon] Go! Get out of here! Run! You tell Eli David to stay
away. She is off limits!
Ben-Gidon: I failed you, Ziva. I am sorry.
Ziva: Never apologize. It is a sign of weakness.



Gibbs: [hands Ziva a letter indicating that she is now an NCIS agent] Get to
work, probie.
[edit] Code of Conduct [7.05]Neighborhood kid: Korby was awesome. He came up
with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor
blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.
Ted Rogers: And illegal!
Ziva: And you are?
Ted: Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his
pranks, now he dies in his driveway!
Tony: Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr.
Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.



McGee: Look at this. [watching video of teenagers T-Ping a tree] Two ply,
double roll, top tuck with a thirty foot vertical climb. This kid has got an
arm! Perfect drapage and good trunk to top ratio. It's very impressive.
Ziva: I do not understand the humor or the art.
McGee: It's a cultural thing. Tony would tell you.



Mr. Rogers: [after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!
Ziva: NCIS! We don't want any candy!
Tony: Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!



Abby: This guy was a genius! He chronicled all his exploits on his phone. It's
like a master's course! Six hundred pizzas delivered to the battalion CP. He
reassembled a Humvee inside the officer's club. If only I had the appropriate
time and space to use the bounty of ideas in front of me.
Gibbs: The case, Abbs. The case.



Ziva: [walks to Tony's desk, holding a coffee cup] You know, Tony, I have been
thinking, and I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your
place as-
Tony: Your superior in every way.
Ziva: [takes a deep breath] Yes. But for my sanity, could you not call me
probie?
Tony: I say it with love.
[Long pause.]
Tony: And if I refuse?
Ziva: You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.
Tony: As you should be!
[He accepts the coffee and sips, looking surprised.]
Tony: Mmm! Mmm-.mm!
[He chuckles appreciatively, while Ziva looks very pleased at how much he
likes it... until he grins, showing his teeth have been stained blue.]
[edit] Outlaws and In-Laws [7.06]Tony: Are you studying to become a
naturalized American citizen?
Ziva: I have to if I want to become an agent.
McGee: Good for you, Ziva.
Tony: Who says we want her as an American?
Ziva: Who says you have a say?
Tony: A little thing called the Constitution!
Ziva: [sarcastically] Really? Where?
Tony: It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our
precious bodily fluids.
McGee: That's Dr. Strangelove.



Tony: That's --
Abby: Uh-huh!
McGee: It's no longer in --
Abby: Nuh-uh!
Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.
Abby: This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along
with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I
can figure out the mystery!
McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva: Or who killed them.
Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out
of the basement!



Tony: [walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?
Franks: [pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you
were coming!
Tony: I called and you didn't pick up.
Franks: I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!
Tony: So what do you want me to do?!
Franks: Knock!
Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!
Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun??
Tony: Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!
Franks: Because there's no lock on the door!



Tony: I'll just stand here with my gun.



Tony: [on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the
kid.
Abby: Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of
the walls.
Tony: The walls?
Abby: Well do they appear to be removeable?
Tony: Huh.
McGee: Abby.
Abby: Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor.
Something that looks like it doesn't belong.
Tony: Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but
the tunnel might have been filled in.



[Tony moves toward a sleeping Ziva with a Magic Marker.]
Ziva: Touch me and die.
[edit] Endgame [7.07]Tony: Well, you're off on your own, Ziva. I'm already
enlightened. I know exactly where I am. It may not be pretty, but I am
DiNozzo. Hear me roar.
Ziva: Like an elephant.



McGee: Lee Wuan Kai: North Korean assassin, one time fanatical nationalist,
credited with 27 targeted hits in seven countries, dozens more by association
--
Tony: She likes quiet walks on the beach, laughing with friends and playing
Frisbee with her Cocker spaniel Ruphus.
Ziva: [snatches the paper away] It does not say that.
Tony: Well it might as well. Look at those come hither eyes, those perfect
kiss me now lips. No wonder Vance is obsessed. Kai's killing me and I'm just
looking at her. You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.
Ziva: I do not follow.
Tony: Really? A couple of pretty ladies, both trained assassins.
Ziva: You annoy me sometimes.
Tony: Sometimes?
Ziva: Most of the time!



McGee: [knocks] Ms. DeMarco, NCIS. We need to speak with you.
Tony: Ms. DeMarco, open up. We want to talk to you. [sounds of a shotgun being
pumped cause Tony and McGee to take cover, then a shot is fired through the
door] Federal agents! Drop it!
DeMarco: Did that piece of filth Serro send you?! Because I've got a message
for him! You can tell him -- [peeks out the door] -- did you say federal
agents?
Tony: Yes, federal agents!
McGee: Serro's dead! Put the weapon down!
DeMarco: Okay. [puts gun on the ground]
Tony: Hands in the air!
DeMarco: Okay. Sorry.
Tony: Who do you think you are, Sarah Palin?!



Abby: What are you hiding? [Gibbs pulls a Caf-Pow! from behind his back] Oh,
no! It's too late, I can't! [pulls a NoCaf-Pow! from behind his back] Gibbs,
you are an enabler and I love you for it!



McGee: [voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are
might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing.
We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the
frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed, but it can be
challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.



Tony: He was Kai-jacked!
McGee: Did you just say that?
Tony: I regret it already.
[edit] Power Down [7.08]McGee: Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes!
[shoves his watch in Ziva's face]
Ziva: Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]
McGee: Why did you do that??
Ziva: Because it was either you or the watch!
McGee: It's just, what's taking so long, you know?
Ziva: Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus,
things could be a lot worse.
McGee: Yeah, how's that?
Ziva: We could be stuck here with Tony.
Tony: [from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting
that the two of you left together late last night!
Ziva: Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go
away.
McGee: Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.



Gibbs: What've you got?
Abby: A better question is what have you not got Abbs, and the better answer
would be a Caf-Pow! I'm trying to make my own here, but I'm missing like 400
ingredients.
Gibbs: Are you all right?
Abby: No, I'm not okay! I'm not going to be okay until the power comes back on
and I can run diagnostics on one of my babies. These aren't like light bulbs,
Gibbs. You can't turn them on and off, and they're complex pieces of machinery
that requires precise shutdown sequences. I don't understand! I mean, why does
autopsy get backup power and I don't? I mean, MTAC, I get that, but what does
Ducky have that I don't have?
Gibbs: Corpses.
Abby: I'll get some corpses!



Abby: I finally IDed the tire tracks to the SwiftCast getaway car. I got the
make and model. It only took me 72 times longer than it usually does. How did
people survive before there was pattern recognizing sparse representation
algorithms?



[The team's search leads them to a storage container, which they find being
used as an office crammed full of technology, supplies, and weapons]
McGee: [looking around the container] Wow. this is like the TARDIS.
Tony: Tard-what?
McGee: It's the contraption that Doctor Who travels through time in. Never
mind.
Tony: Doctor Who? Who watches that?
[edit] Child's Play [7.09]Tony: Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.
Ziva: What?!
Tony: Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.
Ziva: The Indian word for corn is maki.
Tony: Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!
Ziva: Well if they were Indians from here then we would be called American
Indians, you dork.
Tony: [laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.



Abby: What can I do for you, Gibblet? Sorry, kind of a seasonal play on your
-- I'm ready, sir.
Gibbs: [hands over a phone] Turn this into pictures.
Abby: I thought you were going to give me something hard! So, what are you
bringing to Ducky's dinner?
Gibbs: Not sure I'm going.
Abby: What do you mean you're not going?! Who's going to carve the turkey?
Who's going to watch the game with me? Who's going to eat too much pie?!



Krista Dalton: We sold battle scenarios to game designers in China! They paid
a lot.
Ziva: You and your sister Debra?
Krista: Yes. Debra made contacts through her trips to Asia for her firm.
Gibbs: C Ten Dynamics?
Krista: We took some of the money, Debra and I, the rest we gave to families!
Stattler made a ton of money off those kids, never gave anything back! It was
old information! Useless!
Ziva: Frequency jamming signals.
Krista: For Balistic Winter. That system was being phased out.
Gibbs: It's still classified.
Krista: Technically, but --
Ziva: Which makes it technically treason.



Gibbs: Let her go.
Gregg Norvell: [sees Gibbs, Ziva and Tony with their pistols pointed at him]
Back off! I'll kill her!
Gibbs: Angela, look at me.
Norvell: Move back! Now!
Gibbs: Ziva?
Ziva: Got it.
Norvell: She'll miss.
Gibbs: What's the probability of that?
Angela Kelp: Based on the temperature and humidity, no wind, half moon, good
light, 97.6%.
Gibbs: Last chance, Norvell.
Norvell: Move or I'll do it.
Gibbs: [to Ziva] Take it. (She does - and gets the head shot she was aiming
for)



Ducky: A toast! Close friends and dear family all. A bountiful thanks and good
things for Fall!
Abby: And to all a good night! [pause] Wrong holiday.
[edit] Faith [7.10]McGee: It's freezing this morning.
Tony: Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins.
Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.
McGee: Well I've got hand warmers.
Tony: Give me one.
McGee: No.
Ziva: I'm not cold at all.
Tony: The coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and
deadly.
Ziva: And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.
Tony: I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.
Ziva: It wouldn't fit. You're too big.
Tony: [desperately] It'll stretch. Turn 'em over.



Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.
McGee: Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.
Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for
desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.
Ziva: You stole them?
Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail,
that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie!
Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?
Ziva: Is this for the secret Santa?
Tony: How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a
miserable grinch of a woman.
McGee: I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a happy Valentine's Day
and she claimed sexual harassment.
Tony: Have you ever seen her smile?
McGee: No.
Ziva: Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have
some compassion!
Tony: It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Plotting to take
Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.



Ziva: These chocolates are delicious!
Gibbs: Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.
Ziva: Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?
Gibbs: I didn't think he'd actually show. Go ahead, have another one, bubble
butt.
Tony: It's my metabolism slowing with age. It's nothing a post-holiday cleanse
won't cure.



Ziva: So this is where a redthroat would hang out after being overseas for
months.
Tony: It's not redthroat, it's redneck.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: And I think we've found the entire cast of Hee Haw.
Ziva: Over there. That's him.
Tony: With his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl?



Tony: Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So
far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four
grand a piece.
Gibbs: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Ziva: All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited
around the same time.
Gibbs: It's a dummy corp.
Tony: Interpol's checking into it.
Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.
Tony: You do it. Not you, boss. You! I mean, how many languages do you speak,
anyway?
Ziva: Including the language of love, ten.
[edit] Ignition [7.11]McGee: The August 1928 issue of Amazing Stories first
stirred the national imagination. It featured the Skylark of Space on the
cover, and then you've got Buck Rogers.
Abby: What's really amazing is how much more fascinating jet-pack trivia gets
the eleventh time you've heard it.



Ziva: Slow drivers.
Tony: Bad drivers.
Ziva: What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your
way, you turn.
Tony: You're quoting Better Off Dead. I told you to watch that.



Tony: It's a remote control receiver?
McGee: Yes, it is.
Ziva: What is the range?
McGee: Almost a kilometer.
Tony: I don't speak Canadian. How far is that?
[edit] Flesh and Blood [7.12]Tony: I've heard the saying "he got blown out of
his shoes", but I never thought I'd see it.
Ducky: Now if the explosion had knocked his socks off, that would be
impressive, wouldn't it?



Tony: I get it. It must have been tough. Your wife dies and you're left with
an eight year old kid, but your solution, Dad, was to warehouse me in boarding
schools and summer camps, and half the time I never knew where you were or
what you were doing. I needed a closer relationship.
DiNozzo, Sr.: You forget, we took some great vacations together.
Tony: Like the trip to Maui where you left me in a hotel room for two days and
I was twelve years old?!



Ziva: Okay, so how many amendments to the Constitution?
Gibbs: The Bill of Rights is the first ten, prohibition is eighteen. I'm
guessing twenty-three.
Ziva: Twenty-seven!
Gibbs: Nobody likes a smartass, David.
Ziva: Why do I have to study all this and you don't?!
Gibbs: I was born here!



Tony: It's not as bad as it looks. It's actually an ancient form of
meditation, it's a good thing.
Prince Sayed: Agent Gibbs, have you had breakfast?
Gibbs: (takes Tony's hat) Party's over. (hits Tony on the head with the hat
several times)
Tony: Ow, ow,ow,ow,ow!
Gibbs: Explain!



DiNozzo, Sr.: What's on your mind?
Gibbs: Your son.
DiNozzo, Sr.: What's junior done now?
Gibbs: Tony likes to hide behind the face of a clown, but he's the best young
agent I've ever worked with.
DiNozzo, Sr.: Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Gibbs: When was the last time you talked to him? I mean really talked to him.
DiNozzo, Sr.: We keep in touch.
Gibbs: Four years ago your son came very close to dying from pneumonic plague.
I expected to see you. You didn't show then. Why are you here now?
DiNozzo, Sr.: He never told me he was sick.
Gibbs: Oh, so you don't keep in touch.
DiNozzo, Sr.: What's your point?
Gibbs: Tony inherited his personality from you, but I get the feeling there's
a lot about your life you don't share.



Tony: I have to break one of your rules, boss. Number six: never say you're
sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.
Gibbs: Ah, it's covered. Rule eighteen.
Tony: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I
forgiven?
Gibbs: No. You've been distracted by your father.
Tony: It's that obvious?
[edit] Jetlag [7.13]Tony: I just sort of feel like you can use negative space
to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the
light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing.
Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my
life.
Nora Williams: No, I think you're in the right profession.
Tony: All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?
Nora: Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or
--
Ziva: Crime scene photos.
Nora: You just need people in them. happy people-
Ziva: living people.



Ziva: A team of Homeland Security officers will be waiting for us when we
land. Outside the terminal an NCIS detail will take over.
Marshall Neeley: Not taking any chances in case your new hitman tries
something on the ground, huh?
Ziva: Which is why we must consider the possibility they may try something on
the plane, where Nora is more vulnerable.
Neeley: You have reason to believe they're on board?
Ziva: Stationary target. Closed quarters.
Neeley: A modern day Orient Express.
Ziva: The killer would just need an inconspicuous weapon.
Neeley: Like what? Listen, I've been doing this for a long while and I doubt
that there's anything --
Ziva: Headphone cables make for a perfect garrote, and plastic silverware is
not as safe as you might think. I once killed a man using a credit card.



Nora: You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.
Ziva: Tony and I have different approaches.
Nora: You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --
Ziva: No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?
Nora: You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city
and you two shared a room, so I --
Ziva: I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight
about his back. [smiles]
...
McGee: Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?
Tony: Me. We flipped a coin.
McGee: Tough break. (walks away)
Ziva: Why did you just lie to McGee?
Tony: Why did you lie to Nora?



Tony: Nora was right. I found my favorite picture, and it's the only one with
someone in it.
Ziva: [looks down at the picture and smiles, almost blushing]
Tony: Very french new wave, don't you think?
Ziva: Maybe. I think it would look better in black and white.
[edit] Masquerade [7.14]Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm
starting to think someone really has it in for me.
McGee: I was there, too, near the car, you know.
Ziva: We all were.
McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.
Tony: This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been
nuked!
McGee: I know!
Tony: Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls
her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.



Ziva: What is that?
Tony: It's a Geiger counter. You can't be too careful.
Ziva: What do you think Corporal Vega was doing at an empty warehouse?
Tony: I don't know. Why don't you pick the lock and find out?
Ziva: We do not have a warrant.
Tony: This building is foreclosed, which means it's owned by the bank, and
since the people own the banks I think technically we own the building.
Ziva: Wow.



Gibbs: McGee, you're with me.
McGee: Where we going?
Gibbs: To go look for the bomb.
Tony: Don't make me say it, McGee.
McGee: We'll be careful, Tony.
[edit] Jack Knife [7.15]Gibbs: Get Ziva and DiNozzo out of bed.
McGee: What?!
Gibbs: Wake 'em up.
McGee: Oh. Oh, right. Get them out of bed because it's the middle of the night
and they're asleep.
Gibbs: [looks at McGee like he's gone mad] Yes.
McGee: Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I
thought we were talking --
Gibbs: Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?



McGee: [opens his eyes to see Tony and Ziva standing in front of his desk] I'm
awake.
Ziva: We didn't say anything, McGee.
McGee: But you did something, didn't you? What'd you do?! Did you try and put
my hand in this water?
Tony: That's a little juvenile.
McGee: You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face! [looks at his
face]
Tony: No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and
dragging you down to autopsy so that when you woke up you would think you were
dead, but Ziva thought it was in poor taste.
McGee: Well, thank you, Ziva.



Szwed: All right. She's a triple digit ride, big old pumpkins in there, but
don't get tempted. We gotta get on the big slab and you stay to the granny
lane and you keep it under the double nickel, even while you're runnin'
deadhead. And bird dog on the dash so you don't get shot in the back by bears,
you got it?
Werth: 10-4.
Szwed: All right, lets roll!
Werth: Hey, we gotta pit stop. [Zwed turns around and looks at Werth]
Werth: Three quarters of a tank... I don't like to take chances.
Lucas: GPS tracking puts them in Front Royal in a few hours.
Szwed: Let's make it quick.
Ziva: Umm, what language was that?
Werth: He says she's fast, but not to push her, even when we're drivin' empty.
And to uh, watch out for cops.
Ziva: So the truck is a she?
Werth: Let's go rob someone.
[edit] Mother's Day [7.16]Tony: All right, McNosy, what do you got?
McGee: From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.
Ziva: The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in
her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!
Tony: Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!
McGee: Minus the grassy knoll.
Ziva: I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!
Tony: Depository.
Ziva: That's what I said.



Gibbs: Ooh. It smells like a French whorehouse in here.
Palmer: [referring to his new cologne] That's me.
Gibbs: What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?



Abby: If Major Mass Spec were a guy, I would totally marry him and bear his
little Mini Mass children.



Tony: You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the
Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less
to say.
McGee: Is that even possible?



Tony: Aren't you hot?
Ziva: [smirks] I've been told that before.
Tony: I'm talking about temperature!
Ziva: Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.
Tony: Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little
immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.
[edit] Double Identity [7.17]Ziva: Hey, any of you notice something different
about Ducky?
McGee: Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.
Tony: Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.
Ziva: No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.
Tony: Wow. That's very observant.



Tony: You ever been married, doc?
Dr. Talridge: Twice, but never at the same time.



McGee: I built an application for my phone.
Tony: Why is that important to what we're doing here?
McGee: With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent
information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download
all the codes, and there it is.
Tony: Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.
McGee: It is pretty super, isn't it?
Tony: I don't believe you.
McGee: Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.
Tony: Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could
you'd prove it to me by doing it.
McGee: Uh, no --
Tony: [snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.
[edit] Jurisdiction [7.18]Ziva: I found candy leftover from Valentine's day.
Tony: Candy from who?
Ziva: Why does it matter?
Tony: It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean
very much to you. It means something!
Ziva: It means nothing.
Tony: Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.
Ziva: So am I!



Gibbs: I wanted to see how Jensen lived.
Tony: It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no
nonsense, stoic.
Gibbs: Stoic? My house is stoic?
Tony: Understated, then?
Gibbs: I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?
Tony: Well, they're prickly and thorny.



Ziva: What is CGIS?
McGee: Coast Guard Investigative Service.
Ziva: The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?
McGee: Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.
Ziva: But it is the Coast Guard!
Tony: Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.
McGee: Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but
they are our legitimate sibling.
Tony: Like Corky in Life Goes On.



Ziva: These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was
abandoned.
Tony: Calafuego. Treasure hunters.
Ziva: Is that was this is all about? Treasure?
Tony: Pirate treasure.
Ziva: Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.
Tony: Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.
Ziva: Real monkeys?
Tony: I envy your brain sometimes.



Tony: Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?
Ziva: It is just a movie, Tony.
Tony: How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just
a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: [chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.
Ziva: I do have friends!
Tony: Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday
night at work? Huh?
Ziva: You are my friend.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No. My date canceled.
Tony: Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]
[edit] Guilty Pleasure [7.19]Ziva: [to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two?
I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.
Tony: Itch, and yes we are.
Ziva: You two are like a married couple.
Gibbs: Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.



McGee: Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.
Tony: Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.



Gibbs: Abby --
Abby: No time for smalltalk, Gibbs, there's way too much to tell.
Gibbs: I only said 'Abby', Abby.
Abby: Well, now you've said it thrice.



McGee: Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.
Tony: What?
McGee: T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples
contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.
Tony: Yeah, we got it McBitter.
McGee: You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]
McCadden: Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was
dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.
Tony: Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.
McGee: He put up a fight.
McCadden: Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.
Tony: Or Ziva. [they laugh]



Tony: You're annoying!
McGee: You're juvenile!
[edit] Moonlighting [7.20]Tony: McGee would know. Head shots are his
specialty.
Ducky: What?
Palmer: He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.
Ducky: Ah.
Tony: What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and
future king of dorkland?
Palmer: Hey, I now have a girlfriend.
Tony: The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.



Palmer: It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand.
It made me break out in red welts.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Palmer: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Palmer: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
Ducky: But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.



Fornell: Thanks for doing it my way.
Gibbs: Yeah, don't mention it.
Fornell: I was being facetious.
Gibbs: Yeah, me too.



Agent Grady: You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.
Tony: We're working on it.
Ziva: We have hit a shamu.
Grady: Does she mean snafu?
Tony: Roll with it.



[Tony and Ziva enter the squadroom and see Palmer without his shirt on, and a
rash erupting around his henna tattoo]
Tony: Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there,
so do you think you guys could...?
Tony: I'm late for a squash game!
Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]
Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!
Palmer: I can get the top part!
Tony: Stay, stay, stay!
[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all
arguing at once.]
Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have
to hurt you massively.
Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!
Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva: No, you wouldn't!
[Elevator doors close]



Tony: I thought you said 27.000 kills.
McGee: 28.000 kills.
Tony: But you said yesterday 27.000 kills!
McGee: Well, that was yesterday.
Tony: You kill a thousand people a day?
McGee: I was hot. I was super hot. I was cappin' fools!
Tony: It's not a cause for pride, McGee! It's a cause for concern!
[edit] Obsession [7.21]Ziva: So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss
Right?
Tony: [laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't
know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful,
professional.
Ziva: Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?
[They smile and walk away from each other]



Director Vance: State Department has appointed Ms.Hart to be Alejandro’s legal
counsel for the task force.
Gibbs: Of course they did.
Alejandro Rivera: I met Allison in Mexico City. We work well together.
Allison Hart: Alejandro was very helpful in my securing Colonel Bell’s release
from prison.
Gibbs: Maybe we shouldn’t be cooperating, Leon.



[Abby has been kindly invited by Alejandro Rivera to speak at a symposium in
Mexico City]
McGee: You’re not going to go, are you?
Abby: Are you kidding? Why wouldn’t I go?
McGee: Well, I bet he just wants to find out how many tats you have.
Abby: Maybe I have a new one that you’re never going to see.



Gibbs: You okay?
Tony: Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally
involved in a case.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.
[edit] Borderland [7.22]Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds
playing random chat.
Ziva: You are obsessed.
Tony: You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: Why is that?
Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.
Ziva: [scoffs]



McGee: Now I understand why Tony took the couch in Paris.
Abby: Ziva said that she did.
[they look at each other understandingly]



Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Hi, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hey, Abs.
Abby: Can I come in?
Gibbs: Yeah. You already are in.
Abby: Oh, right. Okay. It was nice talking to you.
Gibbs: Abs. Why are you here?
Abby: You know why I'm here. I matched the bullet in Pedro Martinez's head to
your sniper rifle. You killed him. In cold blood. I mean, I know what he did,
Gibbs. He killed your wife and your daughter, but Gibbs.
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Gibbs doesn't do things like that, or does he? Now I don't know. I don't
know anything. The only thing that I do know is that I didn't find this out by
accident.
Gibbs: Rule forty.
Abby: If it seems like someone is out to get you, they are. You have no idea
how much I wish it was yesterday. Maybe if I could just close my eyes and open
them again it will be. [crosses her fingers and closes her eyes, only to open
them in dismay] Do you realize the situation that I'm in now?
Gibbs: Yeah, I know.
Abby: Do you understand the choice that I have to make now?
Gibbs: I know.
Abby: Stop saying I know!
Gibbs: What do you want me to say?
Abby: Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me that I made a mistake with the ballistics or
--
Gibbs: No. No, I can't say that.
Abby: Then tell me how much I've been like a daughter to you, and how much you
love me.
Gibbs: Will that help?
Abby: No. What I really need to know, Gibbs, is if you're going to love me no
matter what.
[edit] Patriot Down [7.23]Tony: It is perfect for s'mores.
McGee: I never liked s'mores.
Tony: What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your
chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are
you?
McGee: I'm a Webelos, actually.
Tony: Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.



McGee: Why would you let someone get away with rape?
Ziva: Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on
that ship would ever totally trust her again.
McGee: Well, you're a woman. What would you do?
Ziva: I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I
would castrate them and give them what they deserve.
Tony: Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.



Tony: A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla
to caramel.
Ziva: Can we stop talking about the flan?
Tony: What are you, anti-flan?



Abby: Since when did I become the kid in class that the teacher won't call on?
The evidence in my report says that you killed Pedro Hernandez, and you're not
even willing to talk to me about it.
Gibbs: I didn't think I needed to.
Abby: I owe you everything! You're Gibbs! No one needs to know the truth about
the Hernandez investigation. I am willing to do anything for you. I just need
you to tell me what to do.
Gibbs: No you don't, Abs. I've only ever needed you to do one thing.
Abby: My job. But it's different this time. I mean, it has to be, right?
Gibbs: No, it doesn't.
[edit] Rule Fifty-One [7.24]Gibbs: Ain't that a riddle? No way out. Guy
trapped in a room, no doors, no windows."
Paloma Reynosa: How did he get there?
Gibbs: Walls were built around him. But there's nothing there except a mirror
and a table. How does he get out?
Jason Paul Dean: Look in the mirror, see what you saw. take the saw, cut the
table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole. Most retarded
riddle I ever heard.



Tony: Did you see that?
Ziva: See what?
Tony: A wink.
Ziva: Director Vance winked?
Tony: I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but
--
Ziva: Why would it matter if he winked?
Tony: Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink,
nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up
the slack when we see it.
Ziva: You see slack.
Tony: I don't know. Did you see a wink?



Abby: You guys are going to Mexico! What's the plan?
Tony: What do you know, Abs?
Abby: Gibbs mentioned rule forty.
Tony: If you think someone's out to get you, they are?
Ziva: I have never heard of a rule in the forties.
Tony: They don't come up very often.
Abby: And that's a good thing.
Ziva: How many times have I told Gibbs to write these things down?!
Tony: You don't have to write them down, they're for daily use, most of the
rules, but the forties --
Abby: The forties. The forties are for emergency use only.
Tony: If the forties are in play something unspeakably bad is going down.
Ziva: We have to get him back.
[edit] Season 8[edit] Spider and the Fly [8.01]Tony: That horse likes you!
McGee: This isn't funny, Tony.
Tony: Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any,
like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that
your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!
McGee: I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right?
It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a
little compassion here?
Tony: And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when
you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the
bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.
McGee: I've actually been working, unlike some people!
Gibbs: Certain people here are working.
McGee: Of course, boss.



Ziva: Hello, Tony. I'm back!
Tony: Well, hello, little miss Sunshine State, and don't you look balmy.
Ziva: I do not know what balmy means, but I would assume it is not good.
Tony: Just because I was alone, manning the fort, handling Gibbs solo, while
you've been strolling around South Beach dancing to the rhythm of the night,
why would I feel the need to say anything negative?
Ziva: Because you are you. Besides, I was working the entire time.
Tony: Ha!
Ziva: Ha what??
Tony: Are those tan lines?
Ziva: [coyly] Where do you think you're looking?
Tony: Does it matter?
Ziva: Well, actually, yes it does. And I can assure you, I do not have any tan
lines.
Tony: Oh. So you did lay in the sun.
Ziva: Yes, I did, actually, this morning before my flight. And I came up with
something case related prior to my departure.
Tony: [closes in eyes and inhales as Ziva stands next to his desk] You smell
like ocean and shea butter.



McGee: [exiting the elevator] Ah, I missed these stained orange walls. God
bless tacky American bureaucracy.
Tony: The prodigal probie returns.
McGee: You know, I realized something, Tony. You don't appreciate something
until it's gone.
Tony: So you missed me, ay?
McGee: No, other things, like breakfast without beer.
Ziva: I thought that was the Irish.
Tony: Canadians, too.
McGee: You know, beer doesn't go well with either eggs or oatmeal. [looks at
Ziva] Why are you so tan?
Ziva: Why are you so white?
McGee: I've always been like this.
Ziva: It becomes you.
McGee: You're lying.
Ziva: Through my teeth.



Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the first case that Jethro and I worked? Two
sailors capsized a recreational skiff one summer's eve; panic ensued. When
they were finally located, one sailor was dead and the other severely
hypothermic.
Abby: So the one sailor drowned?
Ducky: No. Rather than watch his friend slowly expire, one sailor stabbed the
other, claiming that it was more humane. He was convinced that his actions
were justified.
Abby: Like Gibbs twenty years ago. [Ducky nods] Ducky, what if this doesn't
work? What's going to happen with Gibbs?
Ducky: In 1940 Winston Churchill sat in his bunker smoking one of those
majestic cigars, waiting for news that the first German bombs were decimating
London. "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty," he said over the
radio, "and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth
lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'"
The hour is upon us, Abby. All we can do is wait and see.
[edit] Worst Nightmare [8.02]McGee: [speaking to three recruits while standing
at his desk] Now, this is where the brain trust of the entire unit sits. Come
on in. Come on in. Please, have a seat. You notice how I've angled my desk
here to get a good vantage point of the entire team here. It's very important
as an NCIS agent to stay aware.
Tony: [watching from his desk] What's going on here? Are we being replaced by
younger models?
Ziva: I am a younger model.
Tony: If that was intended to hurt me, you have succeeded.
Ziva: And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a
good idea. It feeds McGee's need to have groupies. [Ziva smiles]



Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my mp3 player,
my Caf-Pow, my desk or Burt my farting hippo without my express written
consent.
Michael Seelus: Well, how am I going to do anything then?
Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.
Seelus: I don't have a camera.
Abby: And if accidentally turn my back to you, you are to immediately move
back into my eyeline.
Seelus: Why don't I just wear bells?
Abby: That's a really good idea! [moves across the lab and retrieves a set of
bells from a drawer] I mean, I'm sorry about this. Darren worked out, but I've
just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. [holds out
the bells]
Seelus: I'm not putting those on.
Abby: Oh, actually you are!
Seelus: No, I'm not?
Abby: [cheerfully] Except for the fact that you are.
Gibbs: [walks in] Abs, I need something fast.
Abby: [to Seelus] To be continued. [to Gibbs] Who are you and what you done
with my Gibbs who doesn't like interns?



Gibbs: This is Special Agent Gibbs.
Mason: It was self defense.
Gibbs: Why don't you come on in, we can talk about it?
Mason: I think we both know that's not gonna happen.
Gibbs: You lied to me Mason.
Mason: I am sorry about that, but I just didn't want to take the chance that
NCIS would screw things up, so I went to the ransom drop myself.
Gibbs: Yea, how'd that work out?
Mason: You're not the only one who was lied to. They said Rebecca would be
there, they lied. I did not start the fight.
Gibbs: No, no, you just ended it.
Mason: He was trying to kill me, he gave me no choice. That's why I am calling
you, to warn you. These people cannot be trusted. It was like the amateur hour
out there today.
Gibbs: And you're the professional? Right?
Mason: I am what I am, bad luck for these guys. The rest is not important.
Gibbs: Mason, you need to come in before you cross a line that you can't come
back from.
Mason: I don't have a lot of time so let me be as clear as I can be. There is
not a force on this planet that's going to stop me from finding my
granddaughter. You have to work within the law. I am a bit more flexible.
[Call disconnects]
McGee: Well, he sounds serious.
Gibbs: No kidding.
[edit] Short Fuse [8.03]McGee: Ziva, what's going on?
Ziva: Tony has been selected to be on the cover of the new NCIS recruiting
brochure.
McGee: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Tony: Hey, check it out. Who's the new face of NCIS? You're looking at it,
McEnvy. Get used to it.
McGee: There will be no living with him now.
Ziva: Now??



Gibbs: You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
Fornell: My daughter had a performance at school, I told you. Be nice to me.
I'v just spent two hours with our ex-wife.
Gibbs: Yeah! She mention my name?
Fornell: Not for years.
Gibbs: Heh, you shaved your beard!
Fornell: That's very observant.
Gibbs: What is that?
Fornell: It’s rice.
Gibbs: I thought you were picking up cheeseburgers.
Fornell: It’s lamb curry from the Punjab Express.
Gibbs: We both agreed we hate that place.
Fornell: We did, but I got a twofer coupon in the mail.
[edit] Royals and Loyals [8.04]Ziva: Apologize.
Tony: For what?
Ziva: For being you.
Tony: Sweetheart, if I had a dollar for every time I'd done that, I'd be
loaded.



Ziva: What?
Tony: I'm just watching the pheromones ooze from your body.
Ziva: I do not see anything.
Tony: That's because they're invisible. It's just a musky scent given off to
attract the opposite sex.
Ziva: Now you're being ridiculous.
Tony: Oh, no. It's true. Think about it: first you had your little Miami vice,
now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking
Israeli love machine.
Ziva: [speaking of the British liaison officer to the U.S. Navy] He is
charming.
Tony: What is it with chicks and Brits? Jagger, Bono, Beatles, Bond.
Ziva: I am not into bondage, I can assure you.



Tony: It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!
Ziva: Why would anyone leave a needle in a stack of hay anyway?
Tony: Oh, Lord.



Tony: Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash
for a ticket to Glasgow.
Royal Marine/MI6 agent Major Malloy: It wasn't me.
Ziva: Gibbs, where did you find him?
Gibbs: I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria,
not Switzerland.



Ziva: Tony, I have a question.
Tony: Shoot.
Ziva: If and when you meet my friend, and I emphasize 'if', what will you say?
Tony: Be careful. [chuckles insecurely] Um, handle with care; contents
priceless.
Ziva: Goodnight, Tony.
Tony: Goodnight, Ziva.
[edit] Dead Air [8.05]Ziva: Tony, have you been drinking?
Tony: No. [sniffs breath] Why?
Ziva: I could have sworn I just heard you thank McGee.
Tony: I appreciate his insight.
Ziva: [skeptically] On what?
Tony: Baseball.
McGee: Specifically the implementation of instant replay in baseball. If we
have the technology, why not use it?
Ziva: I do not know what is more disturbing: the fact that you both agree on
something or that McGee is a fan of a sport.



Abby: [jumps when Gibbs touches her shoulder] Gibbs! Are you trying to give me
heart palpitations?
Gibbs: No. What do you got, Abs?
Abby: Heart palpitations.



Tony: [Talking about Ziva] She’s not doing a very good job. The body language
is all wrong. Classic Ziva would’ve been more reckless, hair would’ve been
more wild. She was very sexual then.
McGee: You think Ziva’s less sexual now?
Tony: Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.
McGee: You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.
Tony: [Doesn’t say anything, stares at Ziva]
McGee: You were putting on a show, right?
Tony: [Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]



Ziva: Tony!! [jumps on Tony to cover him from a bomb blast]
Tony: This is nice. I miss the old Ziva.
Ziva: I can tell.
Tony: Don't flatter yourself. That's just my knee.
Ziva: So, Matt Lane planted a bomb then stayed behind to unpyer a game rather
than flee the scene.
Tony: We told you Ziva.
Gibbs: It's baseball.
Ziva: Huh
Tony and McGee: Nice
Ziva: You two need a moment.
Tony: You'll understand. Eventually
Ziva: Will I? (Goes to grab mitts and baseball)
Ziva: Hey Gibbs, Have a catch?
McGee: Wow, look at this. So, you do know a little somethin about baseball.
Huh!
Ziva: Yeah. My father taught me.
[edit] Cracked [8.06]Abby: We communicate in the same way. I could tell the
first time I saw all of this. Everyone else saw chaos, and I saw patterns
right away; there was order to the chaos. I want you to know that whatever it
is that you're trying to tell me, I promise you, I promise I'll understand.
Ducky: Careful. Sometimes they talk back.



McGee: How many Caf-Pow's have you had today?
Abby: Um, Eleven..teen.
[edit] Broken Arrow [8.07]Ziva: Hey, guys? [Tony and McGee arrive to see Ziva
looking into a dumpster] Someone is going to have to go though this -- this is
disgusting.
Tony: Last time I checked, I was senior field agent.
McGee: It's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.
Tony and McGee: But we do!
Ziva: You're going to pull rank on me?! [watches as they turn and leave]



Dinozzo Sr.: Is that Ziva?
Tony: [frustrated] Yeah.
Dinozzo Sr.: Junior, get my bag. Oh wow, Ziva, look at you! What do you say,
sweetheart?
Ziva: Hi!
Tony: Watch the hands!
Dinozzo Sr.: I'm so happy to see you!
Tony: Let's go!



Admiral Chase: Does Agent David carry a weapon?
Gibbs: She is a weapon.
[edit] Enemies Foreign [8.08]Eli David: I was summoned. Vance's review of the
international case-files, and his request for contributions from every NCIS
director.
Gibbs: Not every director.
Eli David: No. Not Jenny Shepard. She was truly responsible for bringing our
organizations together, and for bringing my daughter into your life, but I am
not here for her.
Gibbs: For Ziva.
Eli David: Yes.
Gibbs: You're not here for Ziva. She has a name.
Eli David: I am aware. I gave it to her.



Vance: Eli's here already, isn't he?
Gibbs: You knew he'd come.
Vance: You dangle the right bait you can catch any game. The Palestinians are
following the same logic.
Gibbs: Chasing Eli.
Vance: That was unexpected. We've got to find him first, then we need to get
on Eli's protection detail. I know he's going to make it miserable for us.
Gibbs: Got McGee babysitting him at a safehouse. We're running drills to
secure the hotel.
Vance: Good. How's our own David handling it?
Gibbs: Her father left her to die in a desert.
Vance: So it's a problem.
Gibbs: Would be for me. Won't be for Ziva.



McGee: The Palestinians last location is a thousand miles south of D.C. Now
every minor and major airport between has their photos posted. I've got alerts
at the train stations, bus stations, local L.E.O.s up and down the coast, as
well as all hardware shipments, commercial or military. I have hung a net.
Ziva: I do not know who Annette is or why you are so proud of killing her.
McGee: No, what I mean is, when they make a move I'll know about it.



Abby: You should see your dad.
Ziva: How would that help the case?
Abby: It wouldn't. Have you even spoken to him?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Okay.
Ziva: What does it matter to you?
Abby: Do you think it's just by chance that he came back into your life? I
mean, what about Gibbs and his father and Tony? It's just that there comes a
point, you know, in your lifetime where they really come back into your life,
because they matter to you, and because you matter to him. I mean, I suppose
that it sounds complicated, but believe me, it's not nearly as complicated as
knowing that they're never, ever going to come back again.
[edit] Enemies Domestic [8.09]Liat: Director David has left us a message.
Tony: What's that?
Malachi: It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?
Liat: More likely the Israeli embassy.
Tony: "House". Oh, well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the
street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --
Ziva: [interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split
up, cover each possibility.
Liat: Okay. [she and Malachi leave]
Tony: Look, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --
Ziva: Tony, do you know what a Golem is?
Tony: Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?
Ziva: No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore.
It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics sketched the name
Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph
was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm
saying?
Tony: Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?
Ziva: Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.
Tony: You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?



Ziva: The second word was knesset - the word you removed. Beit knesset - the
nearest synagogue. But just one question: why did you not trust me?
Liat: You're not with us.
Ziva: Aba! Show yourself!
Liat: Are you an idiot?
Ziva: We're not looking for the afikoman. He can hear us if we call him.
Liat: Yes, but you don't know who else might hear.
Ziva: Aba!
Liat: [grabbing Ziva by the shoulder] You stop!
[Liat and Ziva fight on the bimah]
Eli: Stop this! [enters with Malachi] What are you doing?
Ziva: [pointing to Eli] He's coming with me, Malachi.
Liat: He's not going anywhere.
Eli: Liat, you do not answer for me.
Ziva: Hadar is dead. Director Vance is nearly so. Everyone has questions for
you.
Eli: Then you take me to NCIS. You will have your answers.



Abby: [referring to Eli David] He knew how to do it. He just confessed to
knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on! How many people know
how to build a homemade Claymore mine?
Malachi': In this room? [he, Liat and Ziva raise their hands]
Abby: Okay, fine. [raises her hand]



Gibbs: Rule number nine.
Vance: How did you get that by security?
Gibbs: Never go anywhere without a knife.



Eli: There have been times I felt this job take a piece of me. Where I worried
it might be gone forever.
Ziva: Sometimes life surprises you.
Eli: Those are the moments worth living for, my Ziva. [kisses her forehead]



Gibbs: Hey! That was my Danish!



McGee: Oh no. Agent McCallister! Now remember, you're supposed to ask me
before using the men's room.
McCallister: Shut up! Permission to smack your boy with my cane, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Denied.
[edit] False Witness [8.10]Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the
interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV
at work, as you call it.
Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.
Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who
arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has
not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
Ziva: It has not stopped you before.
Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over
it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Ziva: Everyone?
Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world.
Everyone!
Ziva: Brenda.
Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed
relationship last year.
Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed
to was a one night stand.
Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself
into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree.
Nice one, huh?
Ziva: And you feel responsible.
Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?
Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the
time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all
things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up.
And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are
higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to
treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the
heart. But you, need to be who you are.
Tony: Who am I?
Ziva: You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.
[edit] Ships In The Night [8.11]Tony: The paparazzi's gonna love this, Ziva,
How do I look?
[edit] Recruited [8.12][Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]
McGee: So, where is she?
Tony: [starts] Who?
McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony: Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.
McGee: You are lying.
Tony: McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of
our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.
McGee: Like what?
Tony: Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.
McGee: Tony.
Tony: All right. She spent the weekend with him.
McGee: Who?
Tony: The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister
-- I'm running out of things to call him.



Gibbs: [kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.
Dr. Walter Magnus: He -- he just kissed her.
Ducky: Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.



[McGee sneezes]
Tony: Cover your mouth.
McGee: I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You
know, walnut, oak.
Tony: Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.
McGee: I need my inhaler.
Tony: I want Ziva back.
[edit] Freedom [8.13]McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?
Tony: Since about the 12th century.
(Ziva laughs)



McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)



McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not
dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you,
after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages
evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me.
(McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony
signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony
DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)



(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda
sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a
plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some
kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the
neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know
that.



(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)
Ducky: These bruises and lascerations could be consistent with somebody
hitting a target repeatedly.
Gibbs: The target was the wife, Duck. I wouldn't blame her if she did this.
Ducky: Nobody would. But that doesn't make it any less of a crime.



(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card
illegally)
Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Nick: 'Sup dude.
McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you
never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware
you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?
Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Ziva: Oh.
McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable
girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony: Yeah dude.
McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work
again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
McGee: Not every night.
Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)
Tony: You're welcome.



(Tony, McGee and Nick Miller decide to go to GameStop)
Nick: (To Ziva) Smoking hot chick! Can she come too?
(Ziva smiles and looks at Tony)
Tony: Cool it, Nick.
(Tony drags him towards the elevator as Ziva laughs)
[edit] A Man Walks Into A Bar... [8.14]Dr. Cranston: The thing that puzzles
me, with all this change, allegiance to country, of the type of men you're
drawn to, what is it that you are looking for? What is it that you want?
Ziva: I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that
too much to ask?



Dr. Cranston: What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?
Tony: A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has
nothing to show for it.
Dr. Cranston: How does that make you feel?
Tony: Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.
Dr. Cranston: I know. So do a lot of other people. Maybe Agent Todd was hard
on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got
a chance to tell you.
Tony: I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.



Kate: How was I supposed to know what you were planning?
Tony: Well, we're a team, Kate! You're supposed to follow my lead.
Kate: Oh, even when I don't know where it's going?
Tony: Especially then.



Gibbs: Stand right here. Look down. Do you feel that? Right there?
Dr. Cranston: What?
Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot
her own brother. That, doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing
wrong with memories.



Dr. Cranston: Man walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for a glass of water,
bartender pulls out a shotgun, fires a blast just missing the man, man says
"thank you" puts a tip on the bar and exits. Why the '"thank you"? Why the
tip?



Dr. Cranston: It's all about responses, Gibbs. You, Vance, ...your agents. We
keep things piling up inside... even the harshest response seems appropriate.



Dr. Cranston: It's clear to me we all react to life's challenges in different
ways - your people are no exception. Some fight death and some embrace its
solace. Some recognize their fate and others do whatever is necessary to alter
it. Sometimes we defy other's expectations and, occasionally, we rise to meet
them. But the constant is being true to ourselves. We do what we have to when
we have to. We react - for better or worse.
[edit] Defiance [8.15][edit] Kill Screen [8.16]Tony: I hope you didn't break
his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.
McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home
today.
Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?
Tony: What else did it say?
McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad
idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?
Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.
Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.
McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking
about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs
again] Okay, now what's so funny?
Tony: Same thing.
McGee: Thanks for the confidence, Tony.



Ziva: I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.
McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.
Ziva: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours
before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.
Tony: And you loved every second of it.
[edit] One Last Score [8.17]Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were
having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.
Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own
office.
Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.
Ziva: It is over the edge!!
Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby
speaking] What are you guys talking about?
Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?
Ziva: The same.
Tony: Easy.



Tony: So something interested here here, huh?
Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood.
Craftsman made.
Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!
Tony: Total genius.
Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or
that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where
Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"
Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he
made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have
Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.
[edit] Out of the Frying Pan... [8.18]Gibbs: What do you got?
Abby: Other than my respect and adulation for human's ability to engineer
teeny, tiny parts made of nothing but sand?
Gibbs: [looking down at a touchpad computer] Is it dead or alive?
Abby: It's neither. It's like a zombie, Gibbs; if you don't kill the brain, it
doesn't die.



Ducky: (talking to Ziva about a dead body that had been stabbed) Lizzie Borden
took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done,
she gave her father forty-one.
[edit] Tell All [8.19][Gibbs walks into Abby's lab with a scorched book from
the crime scene]
Gibbs: Hey Abs, brought you a book.
Abby: Oh...great...you know, it's supposed to be burnt after reading, not
before?



[Tony and Ziva are Abby's lab attempting to piece together the burnt pages of
the book]
Ziva: Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!
Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a
puzzle before? You go out to in.
Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!
Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read
here.



[Tony is hiding in a shower cubicle in a secret attempt to read Gibbs'
invitation. Ziva realizes this and pulls the curtain back on him.]
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva.
Ziva: You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs'
mail.
Tony: What's your point?
Ziva: That letter's not for you to read.
Tony: I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day
in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal?
Doesn't make any sense.
Ziva: Right, so be honest. Surely you would Gibbs there at your wedding?
Tony: I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak
moment.



Ducky: Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...
Palmer: Tweeting, Doctor. Like the little yellow canary and the puddy cat. I
used to love that cartoon...



Abby: [about the suspect] She's like Lisbeth Salander meets scary Katy Perry.
[edit] Two-Faced [8.20]McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.
Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is
taking me to the opera.
Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?



Gibbs: You CIA?
Ray Cruz: Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.
Tony: That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.
Ray: It's what I do. It's not who I am.
Tony: That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals
puppet regimes for a living.
Ziva: Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?
Gibbs: Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.
Ray: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.
Tony: Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!
McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or
something.
Tony: Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen
a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark
Knight.
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I
am. (normally) Huh.



Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how
close the two of you are.
Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.
Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.
(Tony looks troubled)



Abby: Change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's Agent Barrett.
I'm not a fan. I mean, of change. Her I don't mind. She's feisty for someone
so small, and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby: Not like I like you.
Gibbs: Abs. [hugs her]
Abby: I like our family just the way it is.
Gibbs: Nothing's going to change.
[edit] Dead Reflection [8.21]Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.
Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't
stink up the car.
Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Your loss.
Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?
Tony: No.
Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?
Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.
Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and
him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one
wants to talk about.
Tony: Elephant.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a
rhinoceros. It's an elephant.



Tony: I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in
the squad room I was expecting one and I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?
Gibbs: Rule number twelve.
Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great,
though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice
having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean,
there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together.
We're on separate teams.
Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett
is a bad idea.
Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.
Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.
Tony: No, it won't.
Gibbs: It already has.
Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my
eye off the ball.
Gibbs: I depend on you.



Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You
know what I mean?
EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.
Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see.
Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the
shadow always knows.
EJ: You're scared of him.
Tony: [nods] Yep!
EJ: I'm not.
Tony: You should be.
[edit] Baltimore [8.22]McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more
upset than he's letting on.
Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.
McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat
slit by a serial killer.
Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're
not just any partner, McGee!
McGee: Neither is Tony.



Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the
brave. Why is that for me?
Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave
in my book.
Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?
Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking,
but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.
Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.
Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously.
Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.



Gibbs: [telling Abby and McGee how he recognized a possible suspect's picture]
Rule number 35.
Abby and McGee: [look at each other and smile] Always watch the watchers.



[In a flashback, Tony is talking to Gibbs over the phone. Gibbs' cell rings in
the background]
Tony: You need to get that?
Gibbs: No. My wife.
[...]
Gibbs: [phones rings again] Ah, I gotta get this one.
Tony: Is that your wife again?
Gibbs: Divorce lawyer.



Tony: Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs smacks Tony on the head, to his
surprise] Did you just physically assault me?
Gibbs: I don't have a lot of rules, but rule number five is 'you don't waste
good.' You're good.
Tony: You gonna make a habit of that?



Tony: [talking about Gibbs, in flashback] Who'd wanna be a navy cop? I'd
rather have the plague.
[edit] Swan Song [8.23]Franks: Who the hell are all these people?
Abby: Oh. These are the new guys! Gibbs didn't tell you?
Franks: Man of few words.
Abby: I've noticed.



Ziva: There is always another monster.
Tony: Yep.
Ziva: I mean, we pursue them, but we just keep making targets of ourselves.
Tony: Better us than someone who didn't sign up for it.
Ziva: I don't think I can take anymore. [steps into Tony's arms]
Tony: Hey, we're going to get him, okay?
[Elevator door opens to reveal Abby and McGee hugging]
Tony: [motions with his arm] Bring it in.
[Abby and McGee join Tony and Ziva for a group hug]



Gibbs: Seaman Derek Balfour.
Franks: Sweet merciful crap, man. Am I really supposed to remember all these
names?!?
[edit] Pyramid [8.24]EJ: Why didn't he kill me? I was fighting like hell, but
why didn't he do it right there?
Tony: You were a message, not a victim. Consider yourself lucky.
EJ: Levin's dead. Cade may not make it. They were my responsibility. Where
exactly is the luck in that? You think Gibbs would have let Cobb leave Europe?
You think any of this would have happened if anybody else had been leading the
case.
Tony: Stop beating yourself up. We've all lost people in the field. You're a
good agent.
EJ: Am I?



Ziva: I know what it's like to lose a team member, especially one you care
deeply for. You learn there is no rhyme or reason to dying, good or bad it's
just completely out of your hands.
EJ: Agent Levin died because I screwed up.
Ziva: No, Agent Levin died because it was his time. There was nothing you
could do about it.



Tony: What do you mean the security camera's not working?
McGee: I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for
days.
Tony: Isn't that illegal?!
Gibbs: Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.
Tony: How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?
EJ: Tony.
Tony: Sorry.
EJ: We're all worried about Ziva.
Tony: I know. It's just different for some of us.
(EJ stares at him)



EJ: [looking at Cobb sitting in interrogation] This isn't right. It's too
easy.
Tony: He knows where Ziva is. There's nothing easy about it.
EJ: Cobb's playing us.
Tony: Playing Leroy Jethro Gibbs? The guy must have a death wish.
EJ: What does he want?
Tony: Rule 16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.



Ducky: 'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail gamemenship, Mr.
Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this
situation.
Palmer: Situation?
Gibbs: Operation: Frankenstein.



Vance: Good morning, Mr. Secretary.
Davenport: Like hell it is, Leon. This better be damn important!
Gibbs: Agent's dead. Another critical. I don't know how much more important it
can get.



Franks: [Gibbs reads a letter from Franks] Too many years of lighting up
finally caught up with me, probie.For 3 decades, I outran every bullet aimed
at me. Can't out run this - not with this lungs. Only got a few months left to
go. And I plan to live 'em.
Gibbs: Never one to dissapoint. Were you, Mike?



Jarvis: Director Vance, I'm authorizing Agent DiNozzo access to sensitive
compartmental information commensurate with a black op. None of your other
team members need to know, is that clear?
Vance: Actually Clay, I'm a little concerned.
Jarvis: So an agent is selling top secret information. And they'll need to be
dealt with appropriately.
Vance: Mr. Secretary, I'd like to discuss this first.
Jarvis: There's nothing else to talk about... If you are uncomfortable with
this, Agent DiNozzo and I can do it without you. [Sec Nav hands DiNozzo a
file] Take a look. That's who you're handling. Do whatever it takes. Any
questions?
[edit] Season 9[edit] Nature of the Beast [9.1]Ziva: I do not know what you
are investigating, and I do not need to know, but ever since we lost Levin and
Franks and EJ left, NCIS has been through a lot. We have been through a lot.
We need some time.
Tony: We. As you in you and me?
Ziva: That's not what I meant.
Tony: Well what did you mean then, Ziva?
Ziva: All I'm saying is, look out for yourself. Please.



Abby: [watching footage of Tony in the bullpen] Okay, he starts to turn the
picture over. There!
McGee: Go two frames back. See, that looks like a woman to me.
Abby: No, it doesn't. It looks like a hairy pirate with a mustache!
McGee: You mean Tony's assignment is to kill Johnny Depp?
Ziva: I like Johnny Depp.
Abby: This isn't working.
Ziva: It is too grainy. I cannot see anything.
McGee: I don't feel comfortable doing this.
Abby: I know. We're spying. On family.
Ziva: Well, sometimes we must cross boundaries to protect those we care about.
McGee: Well, hypothetically, what if Ray was Tony's target?
Ziva: Okay, though I am confident it is not Ray, we should prepare ourselves
for the unexpected.
McGee: I hope it isn't anyone we know.



Ducky: Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring
to Director Vance]
Palmer: Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white
dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use
club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision.
They're probably talking about the incision.



Rachel: Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?
Tony: [angrily] What?
Rachel: Well, the women you date are messed up.
Tony: I date all kinds of women!
Rachel: You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.
Tony: I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!
Rachel: Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.
Tony: Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!
[edit] Restless [9.2]Tony: How old do you guys think I am?
Ziva: Physically or mentally?
[edit] Penelope's Papers [9.3]Ducky: [referring to the ringing phone] That's
the third time in an hour.
Palmer: I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.
Ducky: There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're
married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged
wedding vows.
Palmer: How did you know it was Breena?
Ducky: You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not
much lately.
Palmer: It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having
a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say
seems wrong. What should I do?
Gibbs: [walks in] Just give her what she wants.
Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.



Penelope Langston: Agent Gibbs, I always knew my grandson would introduce us,
but I could never have imagined it would be like this. You failed to tell me
that he is so handsome, Timothy. Great eyes.



Gibbs: Go home, McGee. You can't be professional. Go home.
McGee: Boss, I won't let you treat her like that, she's my grandmother.
Gibbs: She's also the lead witness in a murder investigation. What do you want
me to do? Needlepoint my questions?
McGee: Penny had nothing to do with Lieutenant Booth's death.
Gibbs: I never said that!
McGee: What are you going to do? Break her down until she cracks?
Gibbs: Until I am done, Tim! I don't like this any more than you do, I know
she's a family member.
McGee: Boss, she means everything to me.
Gibbs: I respect that. This is about murder, a guy is dead. Enough! We find
what was in those papers. We find Booth's killer.
McGee: And she's the one that can tell us. She will talk to me.
[McGee walks back into the Interrogation Room; Gibbs smiles and then walks
into the observation room]
[edit] Enemy on the Hill [9.4]McGee: I think we should have waited for Gibbs.
Tony: No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long.
Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.
McGee: Why?
Tony: The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took
out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.
McGee: Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was
until I told you!
Tony: Neither did Ziva!



Ziva: [phone rings] David.
Tony: Can Brett hear you?
Ziva: Yes, of course.
Tony: Are you sitting down?
Ziva: What is it?
Tony: Put on your most Mossad ninja face. No reaction. Brett is George Kaplan.
They are one in the same person.
Ziva: [falsely cheerful] Oh really? So what's the plan?
Tony: Gibbs wants you to hang in there until we know more. Don't let him out
of your sight, like you did last time?
Ziva: [laughs] Nice. Well, I'll wait for you to call me back then, sweetheart.
Tony: Good luck.
[edit] Safe Harbor [9.5]Abby: No. You're never going to find the perfect woman
for Gibbs.
McGee: How do you know?
Abby: Because he's already found her.
McGee: His first wife. That doesn't mean we can't still try, right?
Abby: It's futile.



Mariam Bawali: You have the wrong man, Ziva.
Ziva: No, you have the wrong man! This journey for freedom is nothing but a
way for him to enter this country by using you and your sons!
Mariam: I have lived with him for thirty years. I love him! Nothing changes
that.
Ziva: [places a photo of a bombing on the table] This. This changes it.
Mariam: No. No, I don't believe it.
Ziva: Then you are lying to yourself! I mean, you have to know the truth deep
down. I mean, you must! Yet you allow him to lie to you. To your children.
Mariam: I am protecting my children.
Ziva: They will resent you for it, Mariam.
Mariam: Perhaps I had suspicions, but have you never turned a blind eye on
someone you love?
Ziva: Yes, and it was a mistake.



Gibbs: Ziva, sometimes people do the wrong things for the right reasons.
Ziva: People always think the wrong reasons are right. Especially parents.
Gibbs: Well, they've got perspective.
Ziva: Parents still make mistakes.
Gibbs: Yeah.
Ziva: My mother never told me what kind of man my father was. Perhaps she
thought I was not strong enough to handle it.
Gibbs: Nah, she's just being a mother.
Ziva: How do you know?
Gibbs: Perspective.
Ziva: Are you lonely, Gibbs?
Gibbs: You're never alone when you have kids. [kisses Ziva's forehead] 'Night,
kid.
[edit] Thirst [9.6]Ziva: Ugh.
Tony: You know it's too early when there's no one even here to make coffee.
Ziva: Does that mean you made some?
Tony: Oh yeah, and I made some nice muffins too. Get 'em while they're piping
hot.
Ziva: You should have got some on the way in.
Tony: Who had the time? I got the pre-dawn wake-up call after a 2:00 A.M.
night, no less.
McGee: Anyone know what's up?
Tony: Oh hey, Timmy. Yeah, Gibbs wants to get a jump on Jimmy's bridal
registry. Ziva's thinking his and hers salad tongs.
Ziva: At the moment I can think of nothing but coffee.



McGee: The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from
Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk,
pulled off onto the shoulder over there.
Gibbs: Did you get a time?
McGee: A little over three hours ago.
Ducky: Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to
be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.
Ziva: Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?
Tony: Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --



Tony: [speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you
are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.
McGee: A little young, Tony.
Tony: Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of
confidence.
Ziva: Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse,
not her work ethic.
Tony: See? Ziva knows.
Ziva: What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new
sources for office gossip.
Tony: That is completely unfair!
Gibbs: Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.
[edit] Devil's Triangle [9.7]Ziva: What is going on?
Tony: I found fifteen hairs in my shower drain this morning. I tell you this
because you're my friends and I need you. For twelve years, every morning I
have counted the hairs in my drain and there have never been more than five.
Never more than five. Never!
McGee: Every day?
Ziva: For the last twelve years?
Tony: You say that like it's not normal.
Ziva: Well that is because it's not normal.
Tony: What's not normal is a man of my vim and vigor going bald!
Ziva: Well, bald can be sexy.
Tony: Sure, if you're Connery or Nicholson. Would you date a bald man?
Ziva: I have dated men with thinning hair, yes.
Tony: Haha! Thinning hair, but not -- [makes squeaky noise] -- Baldy McBald.
Hi, Special Agent Baldy McBald, want to go to Mount Baldy this weekend to do
bald things? Bald!!



Ziva: You two are being ridiculous. Everyone's hair thins. It's barely
noticeable! It's not like you're going gray. [realizes Gibbs is standing
behind her]
Tony: I'm so glad that wasn't me.
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Gray can be sexy. [watches as Gibbs walks away to answer his
phone and shoots Tony a dirty look]
Tony: [whispers] Lucky.



Diane: Would you tell Tobias that I never meant to hurt him?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. He knows. I think.
Diane: I really liked him, but I never should have married him. I didn't love
him. Just like you never loved me.
Gibbs: I liked you. I still do.
Diane: But the only woman you'll ever love is Shannon. You were my Shannon,
Leroy. [walks away]
[edit] Engaged (Part 1) [9.8][dream sequence]
Gibbs: [rolls over in bed to hug Shannon] Looks like morning happened again.
Shannon: What's the plan today?
Gibbs: I'm thinking of going to the hardware store.
Shannon: Have they invented a tool you don't have in that basement of yours?
Gibbs: [smiles] I need supplies.
Shannon: [laughs] That's what I like to hear. I love it when you start
something new. What do you have in mind?
Gibbs: I'll let the wood tell me.
Shannon: I hope the wood says rolltop desk. [moves to get out of bed]
Gibbs: [pulls her back] I changed my mind. I'll stay in bed all day with you.
The hardware store will be there tomorrow.
Shannon: How are you going to get what you need if you don't let me go?
[Gibbs wakes up on the couch to an empty home]



Ziva: Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.
Tony: Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.
McGee: The witnesses on the ground are telling the same story. There was an
explosion and the plane began an immediate descent. [notices Tony's
seriousness] What's with him?
Ziva: He's thinking.
Tony: This isn't the case du jour, you know. This is life calling collect
saying, "Hey, I'm short. Appreciate me."



Palmer: Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.
Ducky: We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.
Palmer: The Led Zeppelin bassist?
Ducky: No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten
when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore
Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring
him back to America.
Palmer: Home.
Ducky: Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.



Gibbs: There. Isolate the background.
Tony: What is that, Farsi?
Ziva: It's Pashtu.
Tony: Number nine on the David language list? Our very own beauty of Berlitz?
Ziva: I think of Pashtu as more of number seven, actually.
[edit] Engaged (Part 2) [9.9]Tony: I hate libraries.
McGee: Another one of your fears?
Tony: Don't mock me.
McGee: What's to hate about libraries?
Tony: The smell gets me every time.
McGee: Yeah? What does a library smell like?
Tony: Lonely, smart people. [laughs]



Gibbs: People died because of that teacher, marines. What do you think should
happen to her?
Lt. Flores: Sir, that's not my decision.
Gibbs: Yeah, but you've thought about it, right?
Lt. Flores: She should be held accountable for her crimes.
Gibbs: Oh.
Lt. Flores: She should watch those girls change the world in positive ways she
never imagined.
Gibbs: That a punishment?
Lt. Flores: That's a gift, Sir. Punishment is knowing she could have done the
same.
[edit] Sins of the Father [9.10]Tony: How did it go with my father last night?
Where is he?
Gibbs: Autopsy.
Tony: [deadpan] You shot him. I can't say I blame you.



Tony: Hey, Abs. Gibbs sent me down to find out what you found out.
Abby: What are you talking about?
Tony: You know, that thing you're working on for him.
Abby: Tony, I'm not telling you anything about your father's case. My lips are
sealed.
Tony: [scoffs] Come on, I'm just doing -- [Abby steps in his way] -- I'm
desperate, Abby.
Abby: I'm sorry. [hugs Tony]] Now leave and consider yourself banished.
Tony: [attempts to step around Abby, fails, and picks up a test tube] What's
this?
Abby: Your father's urine.
Tony: I'm going.
[edit] Newborn King [9.11][edit] Housekeeping [9.12]Tony: You should cut
yourself some slack, EJ. What's the saying? That which does not kills us makes
us stronger. I think Nietzsche said that. The thing to remember about
Friedrich Nietzsche, of course, is that he died in an insane asylum. That's
probably not the best way to start a pep-talk, huh?



EJ: So much for my big plans, huh? What about your plans, Ziva? Beyond NCIS.
Family?
Ziva: Maybe, someday. Though that day seems increasingly distant at the
moment.
EJ: [holds up her coffee in a toast] To someday.
Ziva: Someday.



EJ: [looking down at a case of guns] All I wanted for breakfast was the
coffee.
Tony: Now we're ready for a fair fight.
EJ: Always good to be prepared.
Tony: I've been prepared for months. With Cole on the loose, it's time to
bring out some Connery, and I'm paraphrasing: never bring a knife to a gun
fight.
EJ: James Bond?
Tony: Untouchables, 1987. Connery won an Academy Award for that.



Tony: You know, one of these days I'd like to actually meet someone who
appreciates movies the way I do, or at least appreciates the way I appreciate
them.
EJ: She does, Tony.
Tony: Who?
EJ: Ziva.
Tony: [laughs] Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Caribbean is a
cinema classic.
EJ: I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares.
Tony: What's the matter with you? We're co-workers.
EJ: Yeah?
Tony: We're teammates.
EJ: Uh-huh.
Tony: We have each other's back.
EJ: Exactly.
Tony: Huh. Surround yourself with people you would give your own life for.



Ziva: So, EJ is gone?
Tony: And safe, for a change.
Ziva: May I ask where?
Tony: Someplace quiet, with someone she can count on. Hopefully.
Ziva: That is the word, is it not? Hopefully. Even when you think you can
count on someone, you often cannot.
Tony: Do I detect a blip on the Ray-dar?
Ziva: I would rather not discuss it.
Tony: Well, since EJ and I parted friends, Agent Cruz seems to have some
communication issues.
Ziva: Yeah, and I'm losing my patience.
Tony: As you well should. [walks over to her desk] You know, you and I, we
have a lot in common in that respect.
Ziva: [laughs] You think?
Tony: Oh, I don't think. I know.
Ziva: Well, then I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as
romantically dysfunctional as I am.
Tony: Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life? [Ziva looks
down at her mobile phone as it rings] No. Seriously?
Ziva: What should I say?
Tony: Say hello.
Ziva: Oh, Ok
[edit] A Desperate Man [9.13]Tony: According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the
killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.
Ziva: Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.
Tony: Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your
boyfriend minutes.
Ziva: Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!
Tony: Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.
Ziva: Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.
Tony: Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?
Ziva: Just stay out of it!
Tony: Tell me what happened.
Ziva: He does not appreciate me. There.
Tony: If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.
Ziva: While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we
could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally
back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed,
Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call,
nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then
he just said he got caught up with work.
Tony: Well.
Ziva: Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be.
There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for
a...
Ziva: There's someone there.
Tony: Yeah.
[edit] Life Before His Eyes [9.14]Tony: [standing at McGee's desk] This is
definitely unusual.
Ziva: Unusual is the operative word.
McGee: [walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?
Tony: Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when
something's up.
Ziva: And something is definitely up.
McGee: What are you two talking about?
Tony: The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up
and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.
McGee: My monitors? That's what you're worried about?
Tony: We're not big on change around here.
McGee: Well I thought I would try something a little different today.
Tony: What makes today so special?
Ziva: We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and
constipation.
Tony: Consternation.
Ziva: No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.



Tony: [going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk,
too.
Ziva: [whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross!
[moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]
Tony: Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.
Ziva: Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.
McGee: [looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are
snooping together, as a team.
Ziva: We are merely curious and concerned.
Tony: Well, it's nothing you need to know about.



Tony: Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to
something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that
sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm
proud of you.
McGee: Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the
cyber division in Okinawa.
Tony: That's it?
McGee: Yes.
Tony: Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've
gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.
McGee: Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.
Tony: Let's not get carried away.
McGee: Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is
disconcerting.
Tony: You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?
McGee: Sort of, yeah. What do I do?
Tony: It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.



Shannon: Just think of all the cases, all of the lives you've touched, Gibbs.
You sacrificed everything to help those people.
Gibbs: But I wanted both.
Shannon: It doesn't work like that.
[edit] Secrets [9.15]Ziva: [mumbling in Hebrew] Unbelievable!
Tony: You finally saw The Crying Game?
Ziva: No. I got a speeding ticket!
Tony: Oh. You know what that means, McGee.
McGee: The system works.
Ziva: I was barely going over the limit!
McGee: Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says
you were doing 80 in a 40.
Ziva: Not the entire time.
Tony: Did you tell them you were a federal agent?
Ziva: Excuse me?
Tony: Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh,
that's not my wallet!
Ziva: You do that often?
Tony: With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in
seventeen years.
McGee: Or paid for parking at football games.
Tony: It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.
Ziva: I do not think Gibbs would approve.
Tony: What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.
Gibbs: What don't I know, DiNozzo?
Tony: Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a
disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip
big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]
Gibbs: Let's go. Dead Navy captain.
Ziva: Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?
McGee: I'd rather not think about it.



Tony: Sorry, I'm just --
McGee: Really pensive.
Tony: Confused.
McGee: Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?
Tony: [scoffs] What are you talking about?
McGee: Lipstick. It's not your color.
Tony: [looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.
McGee: So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.
Tony: The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.
McGee: That bad?
Tony: NTSB is still looking for bodies.
McGee: What happened?
Tony: That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.



Ziva: [to Tony] That is something Wendy mentioned about you. That you were one
of the most honest people she knew. To others. She said the only person you
lied to was yourself, which you do. A lot.



Tony: [looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.
Ducky: What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.
Tony: I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's
shouting] Sorry. I was --
Ducky: Would you like to talk about it?
Tony: You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put
it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible
than it was before?
Ducky: I'm confused.
Tony: So am I.
Ducky: Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that
you were a man in pain.
Tony: [scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.
Ducky: No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one
love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro
coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that
ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased
the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it
all behind you.



Wendy: I lied to you, Tony.
Tony: About?
Wendy: Why I invited you to lunch. You were wrong. I was not trying to get
information for a story. I invited you because I wanted to see you. Your turn.
Tony: Why?
Wendy: Uh, because we're taking turns and now it's your turn.
Tony: No. That is not what I meant and you know it.
Wendy: You want to know why I left.
Tony: I want to know why you said yes to me when the answer was really no. I
want to know why you waited until the very last moment to tell me the truth.
But most of all, my runaway bride, I would like to know why.
Wendy: Would it make a difference now? If you weren't so sad and so lonely you
wouldn't even be wondering.
Tony: [laughs] Sad and lonely? You have me confused with Bosco. You like to
see my little black e-book?
Wendy: Show me whatever you like, but it's not going to change what I see with
my own eyes. You should tell her how you feel, whoever she is.
Tony: A) That's never going to happen, B) get out of my head, and C) answer
the question.
Wendy: I left because I wasn't read to meet "the one", okay? And you were the
one.
Tony: That doesn't make any sense.
Wendy: Are you sure? Because from I see you've spent the last nine years
avoiding relationships. I was just broken first, which is why I left my hero
cop to marry a stockbroker who cared more about money than people. I wasn't
read to meet the one when we met, Tony, but I sent you that invitation because
I am now.
[edit] Psych Out [9.16][edit] Need to Know [9.17]Tony: [notices Ziva pacing]
McGee, what's Ziva doing?
McGee: Memorizing her speech.
Tony: Speech?
McGee: Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.
Tony: In what language, Vulcan?
Ziva: I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.
McGee: I think you mean back off.
Tony: Why are you so uptight, Ziva?
Ziva: Public speaking is not my thing. It makes her nervous.
Tony: Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed
terrorists without breaking a sweat.
Ziva: I'm trained for that.
[
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